by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 5, 2018 | Uncategorized
The idealized Norman Rockwell image of the nuclear family isn’t the reality for the large number of divorced families in the U.S.
Happy holiday images depict a perfect family, home and hearth. Norman Rockwell perfected this idealized holiday with a mom, dad, and those above average children gathered around the Christmas tree or lighting a menorah. Of course there’s a nice fire crackling in the fireplace. Children are spellbound by lights, ornaments, wrapping paper, and gifts.
This ideal is far from reality for many families after a divorce. Unfortunately, some parents make the circumstances much worse than they need to be. One child of divorce confided in me recently. She lamented years later as an adult how the holidays were the worst part of her childhood. Her divorced parents seemed to fight even more than normal.
Do you really want your kids remembering the holidays this way for the rest of their lives? Do you want your kids to celebrate all the joys of the season, or suffer through the Nightmare Before Christmas – and after Christmas, too!
One big source of friction after a divorce during the holidays revolves around buying gifts. Some folks really struggle with holiday shopping. It’s something divorced parents don’t often think about. But it is important to figure out how to coordinate presents for your kids from both of you and both sides of the family together.
Here are some tips from an experienced family law attorney who has seen divorce parents at their worst during the holidays.
Don’t turn Christmas into a competition
The holidays are meant to be a special time for families. You’re missing the point if you turn it into an ugly war between parents trying to outdo the other and literally buy your kids’ affection. If there’s a really special gift your child would like, try to agree to go in on it together and make it a joint gift. It could mean the world to your child if the tag said “from Mom and Dad.” This is the greatest gift to the child of divorced parents.
Make a list together for holiday shopping
I know, it was a monumental struggle to agree on the holiday shopping list when you were married. How can you possibly work together now? I assure you it’s possible. Make a point before the season starts to exchange ideas about what gifts you’re going to get the kids. It will be a mess if you both buy the same things. Agreeing on a shopping list goes a long way to reduce awkward moments.
Discuss what gifts are appropriate
Try to work together within reasonable limits to make your child’s holiday dreams a reality. Photo: Anna Gin/Creative Commons
Don’t assume you agree on what gifts are appropriate or not appropriate for your child. Talk about it. I’ve seen many occasions where one parent who wants to limit screen time is upset when the other parent bought a smartphone or Xbox for a child. In one case, a parent bought an “M-rated” video game against the other parent’s wishes. Parenting confusion with different expectations confuses kids. You may have different values, but you need to figure out a way to meet in the middle and compromise. This is hard enough for married couples! If you get stuck and can’t agree, consider meeting with a mediator to find solutions.
Agree on a budget
I’ve seen too many co-parents compete with one another about who can outdo the other parent. Agree on a budget and stick with it. That way, both can enjoy the holiday without making the other one feel inferior. Moreover, if the two of you consulted the Price website or other similar online pages, you might be able to find Macy’s promo codes or similar discounting offers that would help you get some of the pricier products that you would have generally avoided. Remember that it is about making your child happy, so working together would be best.
Consider opening gifts as a family together
Consider opening presents together with your kids. Children appreciate time with both parents. This might not be a choice for everyone. If it’s too difficult and you can’t keep it together, you may need to decline. There is no shame in this. But if you can pull it off and put your differences aside long enough to get through the holiday, it can really be special for your children. Many years later when they are adults, perhaps parents themselves, your kids will understand the real gift you gave them.
Holidays after a divorce blow up the images of the perfect holiday, making the painful changes in your life even harder to cope with. It’s hard for your kids, too. But this is the season of ‘Peace on Earth.’ With some effort – maybe a LOT of effort – you can make the holidays into special memories rather than a nightmare haunting your kids for the rest of their lives.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Nov 19, 2018 | Uncategorized
SMART parenting agreements can ensure happy holidays even when you’re divorced.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, we believe in crafting SMART agreements. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-Bound. SMART agreements help with enforcement, and make it clear to both parties what is required for them to stay within the boundaries of their agreement.
Here’s why a SMART agreement makes things so much easier:
- When an agreement isn’t SPECIFIC, parties become confused over exactly what they agreed on
- Unless performance can be MEASURED in some way, it is difficult to determine where the boundaries are, and when they’ve been broken.
- Any agreement must be ATTAINABLE – something you can easily comply with. People can’t be expected to do the impossible – it’s setting them up to fail.
- Agreements require RELEVANCE to make sense in any particular circumstance.
- Finally, linking the provisions to TIME-BOUND deadlines lets people know when things should happen.
So, unless your agreement is a SMART agreement, there is a good chance you will be facing problems down the road.
This is especially true when we are talking about holiday co-parenting. People can become emotional during the holiday season. It’s understandable and predictable. Holidays are all about family. Not having your children with you and with your extended family during the holidays can be hard to cope with.
Because people are so emotional about the holidays, parenting decisions about holiday traditions and practices can become a significant source of conflict. When I used to litigate family law cases in courtrooms, unfortunately for my clients, they paid me a good amount of money to sort out holiday schedules and last-minute misunderstandings.
With a SMART holiday co-parenting agreement, you can avoid big emotional blowouts AND writing big checks to lawyers. Here’s how.
SMART – Specific
When crafting holiday orders and agreements, make sure you are very specific about what the schedule is. Just saying that the
SMART agreements are specific. Photo: Antonio Litterio/Wikimedia
kids are with mom on Christmas in even-numbered years and Dad in odd-numbered years is a start. But it is not very specific. Get into the weeds about when exactly Christmas starts and ends. Where will the kids be delivered or picked-up. I have even seen people get specific about whether a joint present opening time would happen and how it would go. The more specific your agreement is, the less likely there will be misunderstandings.
Another example is with New Year’s Eve and Day. When talking about New Year’s Eve and Day and odd years versus even years, which year counts for odd or even? Is it New Years Eve, which falls in one year, or New Years Day, which falls in the following year? This kind of lack of specificity can lead to confusion.
A colleague of mine recalled a poll on a local list serve account for family law attorneys. She learned that when confronted with the question of which day, New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day, counts for purposes of even and odd, roughly half of the respondents thought it was New Years Eve while the other half thought it was New Years Day. Get clear, and you can avoid trouble.
SMART agreements are timebound.
SMART – Measurable and Time-Bound
When talking about parenting schedules, measurable and time-bound tend to go together. It’s good practice to have a clear start and end time when describing holiday periods. A common provision is “The child shall spend Father’s Day with the father every year.” This is too vague.
Much better and a more effective provision: “The child shall be with father on Father’s Day every year from 8 a.m. the morning of the holiday until 8 a.m. the day after the holiday.”
SMART – Attainable
It seems like a no brainer an agreement or order should be attainable. But sometimes, people don’t realize a provision is unattainable. In a recent case, the court order described as written the children would be with Mom on Christmas Day at 10:00 a.m. and returned to Dad at 10:00 a.m. the next morning. However, the parties lived more than 3,000 miles apart! These parents could not possibly make this work from any practical standpoint.
In another case, the children were to alternate between mom’s house and dad’s house during the holidays for overnight visits in an even and odd patterned schedule. The problem? One of the parents was incarcerated.
So it’s important to avoid these kinds of attainability problems by making sure the agreement’s boilerplate language is customized to you and written to fit your unique circumstances.
SMART – Relevant
SMART agreements must be relevant to your circumstances.
Holiday co-parenting orders should be relevant to your situation. In one of my cases, Family Court Services made Christmas co-parenting recommendations. The parties only celebrated Jewish holidays. Clearly, something lost in translation was missed.
As practitioners, it’s tempting to fit people neatly into nice little boxes. But it makes little sense to force parents to observe a holiday schedule for holidays the parties don’t even celebrate. In another case, attorneys included a provision for Fourth of July. The parties didn’t celebrate Fourth of July and weren’t concerned about having the kids on Fourth of July.
The SMART Approach to Happy Holidays When You’re Divorced
Filling a holiday co-parenting agreement with irrelevant provisions does nothing but confuse things, and clutter up your case with unhelpful rules. To say nothing of having an agreement that falls into the “TL; DR” category (that’s Tool Long, Didn’t Read).
Your agreement should be meaningful, with SMART rules that make sense for you and your family alone. Work with someone who will listen to your needs and get you know you, your co-parent, and your kids, and create something that fits. You won’t be fighting against it and arguing about it, which doesn’t help anyone.
Want to clean up your holiday co-parenting schedule BEFORE the holidays get here? Would you like to avoid those frantic last minute calls to a lawyer to fix your holiday parenting schedule? Contact Weber Dispute Resolution now, and you can have truly happy holidays without a care. Isn’t that the holiday gift all families wish for?
