A year of divorce mediation always teaches me something, but the lessons rarely show up the way I expect. After so many years in the chair, I still find myself surprised by people. There is plenty of fear and frustration in the work, and I see my share of rough edges. Even so, this year brought moments that stopped me in my tracks in the best possible way. A few families showed a kind of steadiness and generosity that reminded me why this work matters.
One couple in particular stays with me. These folks made a choice to build their agreement around the needs of their children and each other, not what the law might dictate. The monied spouse said something I almost never hear in a mediation room. They said they did not care what the law said. They wanted this to be right. Period.
From there, everything shifted. They built a plan that kept their kids stable and gave both parents a firm footing. The agreement was generous and thoughtful, and their attorneys helped make sure the details worked. When we wrapped up, the room felt warm and steady, with no drama and no scorekeeping. These were simply two solid people trying to leave the marriage with their dignity intact and their children protected. Those kids will be all right.
The Weight People Carried This Year
Folks came into divorce mediation tired this year, more than usual. The world has been heavy. People are stretched financially, politically, and emotionally. They walk into my office already burned out and impatient, and that exhaustion spills right into the marriage and the divorce.
Fear was the emotion I saw most often. When people are afraid, they try to control everything in sight, including the schedule, the money, the rules, and each other. That kind of control only tightens the knot.
Parents were terrified their kids might be damaged by the divorce, yet oddly enough, the kids often seemed stronger than the parents. After the pandemic years, many young people bounced back with a kind of resilience that surprised everyone. The parents carried more anxiety than the kids did.
Financial stress showed up in every corner. Cash flow is tight. Housing in San Diego County feels impossible to find. People do not want to lose a low mortgage rate. Renting is often more expensive than staying put. Refinancing can blow up a budget. I saw more deferred sales this year than I have in a long time. Underneath all of it lives a quiet worry that retirement will not be affordable. Inflation spooked many people.
Slower Is Faster
When people arrived half-crazed and locked in fight-or-flight, the most reliable response was to slow the pace of the conversation, encourage a full breath, and allow the room to settle into a calmer rhythm.
People come in like cornered raccoons right now. You can feel the anxiety sitting in their bodies. Giving them a moment to breathe and think clearly changed everything. Slower truly was faster.
Empathy also needed more intentional coaching this year. In a polarized world, people forget how to imagine someone else’s experience. A simple question made a big difference. I would ask, “What would the other person need from a settlement?”
It pulled them out of their own fear and into a bigger frame.
The Patterns That Kept Showing Up
Throughout the year, I saw consistent patterns, each of which held a meaningful divorce mediation lesson.
Fear became control. People did not start out wanting to be controlling. They were scared. Naming that helped soften the room.
People misunderstood what the law requires. Parents came in insisting a 50/50 schedule was mandatory. It is not. The law cares about best interest, not perfect math. And support orders do not usually result in a 50/50 split of spendable income. Helping people let go of those myths took patience.
People thought they communicated poorly when they really just disagreed. That one came up constantly. They would say they had terrible communication. In reality, they communicated pretty well. They simply did not agree. When we talked about disagreement as a normal part of divorce, people stopped jumping to worst-case scenarios.
Generosity showed up more than expected. People erred on the side of kindness this year. When they shifted from protecting themselves to caring about the other person’s well-being, the whole energy changed.
I had to hold my own still center. Mediators live in the world too. This year tested that. My own anxiety about politics, economics, and humanity wanted to sneak into the room. I had to keep myself grounded.
Meditation helped. Talking with trusted colleagues helped. Even during a session, quiet mantras kept me steady: “They see the world differently than I do. That does not change who I am or how I show up.”
What People Did Better This Year
Even though the world felt mean and loud, people actually listened to each other more. Many couples had been in therapy before arriving in my office. They could not save their marriage, but the skills they learned in counseling helped them divorce with more care.
Couples relied on the skills they had practiced, including active listening, clearer communication, and a renewed sense of humility. Those efforts made a meaningful difference in how their mediations unfolded.
Heading Into the New Year
Peace is not the absence of conflict. It is the mastery of it.
People find peace by learning how to be steady when they disagree. Disagreement is normal. Fighting is optional. The moment people stop fighting, compromise becomes possible.
A Word to My Fellow Mediators
Mediators carry a lot, often more than people realize. It’s so important for us to allow ourselves room to breathe and remember that we are human in all of this. The work can knock any of us around. As we head into a new year, I hope we can find a little more steadiness, a little more kindness toward ourselves, and the space to keep mastering our craft.