coparenting Archives

2025 Divorce Mediation Lessons: Reflections From a Year in the Room

by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 2, 2025 | Family & Divorce Mediation, Professional Practice & Training

A year of divorce mediation always teaches me something, but the lessons rarely show up the way I expect. After so many years in the chair, I still find myself surprised by people. There is plenty of fear and frustration in the work, and I see my share of rough edges. Even so, this year brought moments that stopped me in my tracks in the best possible way. A few families showed a kind of steadiness and generosity that reminded me why this work matters.

One couple in particular stays with me. These folks made a choice to build their agreement around the needs of their children and each other, not what the law might dictate. The monied spouse said something I almost never hear in a mediation room. They said they did not care what the law said. They wanted this to be right. Period.

From there, everything shifted. They built a plan that kept their kids stable and gave both parents a firm footing. The agreement was generous and thoughtful, and their attorneys helped make sure the details worked. When we wrapped up, the room felt warm and steady, with no drama and no scorekeeping. These were simply two solid people trying to leave the marriage with their dignity intact and their children protected. Those kids will be all right.

The Weight People Carried This Year

Folks came into divorce mediation tired this year, more than usual. The world has been heavy. People are stretched financially, politically, and emotionally. They walk into my office already burned out and impatient, and that exhaustion spills right into the marriage and the divorce.

Fear was the emotion I saw most often. When people are afraid, they try to control everything in sight, including the schedule, the money, the rules, and each other. That kind of control only tightens the knot.

Parents were terrified their kids might be damaged by the divorce, yet oddly enough, the kids often seemed stronger than the parents. After the pandemic years, many young people bounced back with a kind of resilience that surprised everyone. The parents carried more anxiety than the kids did.

Financial stress showed up in every corner. Cash flow is tight. Housing in San Diego County feels impossible to find. People do not want to lose a low mortgage rate. Renting is often more expensive than staying put. Refinancing can blow up a budget. I saw more deferred sales this year than I have in a long time. Underneath all of it lives a quiet worry that retirement will not be affordable. Inflation spooked many people.

Slower Is Faster

When people arrived half-crazed and locked in fight-or-flight, the most reliable response was to slow the pace of the conversation, encourage a full breath, and allow the room to settle into a calmer rhythm.

People come in like cornered raccoons right now. You can feel the anxiety sitting in their bodies. Giving them a moment to breathe and think clearly changed everything. Slower truly was faster.

Empathy also needed more intentional coaching this year. In a polarized world, people forget how to imagine someone else’s experience. A simple question made a big difference. I would ask, “What would the other person need from a settlement?”

It pulled them out of their own fear and into a bigger frame.

The Patterns That Kept Showing Up

Throughout the year, I saw consistent patterns, each of which held a meaningful divorce mediation lesson.

Fear became control. People did not start out wanting to be controlling. They were scared. Naming that helped soften the room.

People misunderstood what the law requires. Parents came in insisting a 50/50 schedule was mandatory. It is not. The law cares about best interest, not perfect math. And support orders do not usually result in a 50/50 split of spendable income. Helping people let go of those myths took patience.

People thought they communicated poorly when they really just disagreed. That one came up constantly. They would say they had terrible communication. In reality, they communicated pretty well. They simply did not agree. When we talked about disagreement as a normal part of divorce, people stopped jumping to worst-case scenarios.

Generosity showed up more than expected. People erred on the side of kindness this year. When they shifted from protecting themselves to caring about the other person’s well-being, the whole energy changed.

I had to hold my own still center. Mediators live in the world too. This year tested that. My own anxiety about politics, economics, and humanity wanted to sneak into the room. I had to keep myself grounded.

Meditation helped. Talking with trusted colleagues helped. Even during a session, quiet mantras kept me steady: “They see the world differently than I do. That does not change who I am or how I show up.”

What People Did Better This Year

Even though the world felt mean and loud, people actually listened to each other more. Many couples had been in therapy before arriving in my office. They could not save their marriage, but the skills they learned in counseling helped them divorce with more care.

Couples relied on the skills they had practiced, including active listening, clearer communication, and a renewed sense of humility. Those efforts made a meaningful difference in how their mediations unfolded.

Heading Into the New Year

Peace is not the absence of conflict. It is the mastery of it.

People find peace by learning how to be steady when they disagree. Disagreement is normal. Fighting is optional. The moment people stop fighting, compromise becomes possible.

A Word to My Fellow Mediators

Mediators carry a lot, often more than people realize. It’s so important for us to allow ourselves room to breathe and remember that we are human in all of this. The work can knock any of us around. As we head into a new year, I hope we can find a little more steadiness, a little more kindness toward ourselves, and the space to keep mastering our craft.

Co-parenting on Halloween: How not to make candy night into a nightmare

by Shawn Weber | Oct 30, 2025 | Family & Divorce Mediation

Co-parenting on Halloween can be tricky – or it can be a treat. It depends on you!

Halloween has a way of sneaking up on even the most organized separated parents. Judges don’t usually mention it in custody orders, probably because it doesn’t come with a day off work. But let’s get real: for kids, Halloween is the Super Bowl of childhood (well, or at least the World Series). They plan plays, scout candy routes, and train their sweet tooth all month. The last thing they need is for their parents to turn their night of magic into a showdown. Give them the gift of laughter, not drama.

So, how do you keep the co-parenting on Halloween about the kids and not about your latest argument? Here are a few tricks (and treats) to keep things fun and focused on your children:

First, put Halloween in your parenting plan.

Yes, actually write it down. Decide ahead of time who gets trick-or-treating this year, or who goes to the school parade. Don’t wait until October 30th to start the debate. Clear plans mean fewer last-minute meltdowns—for everyone.

Consider doing Halloween together.

If you and your ex can handle being in the same place without the drama, great. Kids light up when both parents show up and keep things friendly. You do not have to match costumes or fake a friendship. Just keep it polite and easy. But if you know the night will turn into a horror show, skip it. Give everyone a break and keep the peace.

Let your kids have their night.

Don’t make Halloween memorable for all the wrong reasons. This isn’t the time to air your grievances or compete for Best Parent. Focus on their fun, not your own feelings.

Control the grandparents and extended family.

Sometimes, the real monsters on the scene can be the extended family. Perhaps they don’t quite understand what this co-parenting scene is all about, and they are tempted to engage in conflict. Stop them! Don’t let them badmouth the other parent or start a fight. Tell them to behave themselves and follow the getting-along program before the evening even starts.

Costume drama should be left to the theater, not your living room.

Don’t turn your child’s costume choice into a tug-of-war. Talk it out ahead of time and let your kid pick what makes them happy. Remember, the goal is giggles, not power plays.

Share the Halloween joy when you can.

If it’s your night, maybe swing by the other parent’s place so the kids can show off their costumes. It’s a small gesture, but it tells your kids both parents are in their corner. If it’s not your night, don’t crash the party. Respect the boundaries and find another time to celebrate.

Co-parenting on Halloween can be sweet, like candy, or a nightmare, like a scary movie.

It all depends on whether the adults can keep it together. Give your kids a night that’s about them, not about your old arguments. Show them how grownups are supposed to behave. Halloween should be about candy and giggles, not conflict. Years from now, your kids won’t remember who bought the best costume or who had the last word. But they will remember feeling safe and loved. That’s the real treat.

Keep the peace long after the candy’s gone.

Schedule a conversation to build a plan that keeps things sweet for your kids all year.

Let's Talk!

The Irreplaceable Dad: The Importance of Dads Stepping Up In Co-parenting and Moms Letting Them Do It

by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Mar 26, 2018 | Uncategorized

This article was originally posted in 2013. We have received such a positive reaction that we are reposting it. It was the subject of Shawn Weber’s upcoming interview on the Real Talk San Diego Facebook Live program on March 28 at 1:00 PM PDT. Watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/yourwealthhour

Some dads aren’t so great

Let me preface this post by noting that there are a lot of terrible fathers. Many of them are abusive, punitive and cruel. Many are irresponsible and fail to take their role as parent seriously. Some simply abandon and neglect their families. In such cases, it may very well be better for the kids if these dads weren’t around. Such men are not “fathers”. They are unworthy of the title. My heart goes out to their victims. But, there are good dads out there and in many cases, their role can be unnecessarily marginalized. I am only talking about the good dads in this post. Women, please don’t hate me.

Every time Father’s Day approaches, I find myself contemplating the role of a dad in the family- in particular, given my career as a family law attorney, the role of a dad in a post-divorce family. I grow increasingly frustrated with the term “single parent”, which is so often bantered about unnecessarily. We are told of how hard the single parent has to work. Often we are treated to images of single moms struggling to make ends meet with kids at home and a dad nowhere to be found or, at least, not involved. For many of my clients, that is the case. To be sure, there are a lot of dads out there who don’t step up.

Co-parenting is better when possible

In most cases, however, single parenting isn’t necessary. Co-parenting is the better way to go. After the demise of some marriages, one parent does everything possible to eliminate the other parent from the equation. I have heard moms say that they would be happy if their kids’ dad would just go away. Some even say they would prefer their ex-husbands to be dead. Such sentiment is surprisingly common. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”

There are dads who check out and neglect their families, refusing to pay child support and refusing to take responsibility as fathers. There are dads who are abusive. It is only natural that a woman may feel uneasy about the man who beat her up. I am not talking about the bad apples here. However, there are many dads who do not deserve the level of scorn they receive.

Divorce can be nasty. When people get to my office, things are usually pretty bad. Folks don’t make the big decision to get a divorce unless they are very unhappy with their spouse. However, all too often, a wife can unnecessarily extend her hatred of her ex to his relationship with the children. These women, not realizing the damage they inflict on their children, will stop at nothing to minimize or even eliminate a dad’s involvement in the family. While they are very happy to maximize the child support they receive, they are relentless in removing dad from the parenting equation. This is not ok. Kids need their dad and although a wife’s experience of her ex-husband as a spouse may be less than perfect to say the least, this man still has an important role with the kids.

I have had a number of cases recently where a mother decides, for whatever reason, to relocate out of the state. These women have reasons for their decision to relocate. Sometimes the reasons are good. Many times they aren’t. Perhaps they are moving closer to family. Perhaps they feel they can get cheaper housing. Universally, they minimize the impact on the kids’ relationship with dad. They, wrongly, believe that they are the only important parent in their children’s lives.

What they fail to understand is that this man, with all of his imperfections, is still their kids’ dad. He is a part of them. They love him. Yes, they even need him. One prominent psychologist told me that the moving parent almost in every case fails to understand how devastating moving the kids away from the other parent can be. In family law, move-away cases are not about what is in the child’s best interest. Rather it is about minimizing detriment. It is rarely in the child’s best interest to move away. As participants in the legal process we are then asked to determine whether it messes the kids up more to lose their dad or to lose their mother. Judge’s hate these kinds of cases.

Dads matter to kids

I have seen grown, tough men weep openly in my office as they explain to me how hurt they are that the mother of their children cares so little for their contribution. One such parent lamented that with his wife moving, he would no longer be able to attend Cub Scout meetings or coach the soccer team. The opportunity to sport his child’s team badge and colors on a polo shirt, that can be customized from places like Imprint, will no longer be possible. The support he could show for his child has gone in a blink of an eye. Another father told me how upset he was that his son would miss out on campouts and fishing trips. Another dad told me how tragic it was that he and his daughter would miss their regular basketball scrimmages at the local park.

I have also seen children in pain that one of their parents is being cut out of their lives. One teenage boy told me that he misses his father terribly and doesn’t understand why his mother speaks negatively about him. He says, “He’s my dad. When she bad mouths him, it is like she is talking bad about me. It makes me cry. I don’t show her though; I just go in my room and punch my pillow.” Another twelve-year-old boy told me that while he loves his mom and understands that she had her reasons for leaving his father, he feels like a piece of him is missing. He said, “My uncles are great. But they are not my dad. Why can’t I just have my dad around.” Then with tears in his eyes he said, “I just wish I could still hang out with him.”

Dads, you need to step up

Not just to pick on the moms, I have had many mother’s complain that they wished that their ex-husbands would be more involved fathers. They try to encourage dad to participate, but he refuses. Sometimes dads just “check out” as parents after the divorce. This is not ok either. Dads, you need to step up.

I am a strong believer that it takes two genders to be most effective in parenting. To be sure, there may be someone out there who will take me to task and wrongly accuse me of sexism. I am just noting, that as much as we would like to say that there are no differences, men and women are, in fact, different. These differences, rather than seen as a way to divide families, should be embraced and celebrated. As a father of five children, my wife and I have had many conversations about how important we believe the gender differences are in our parenting. We each bring different parenting styles and different approaches to the table. These differences enrich our children and bring them balance.

The best co-parenting I see is when both parents are deeply involved

While the parents may have deep and real differences that led to a divorce, they don’t show their children these differences. Rather they present a unified front to the kids. They both encourage a relationship with the other parent. They seek the other parent’s guidance and counsel about issues with the kids. The kids benefit greatly from having both parents as active and equally important parts of their lives.

(Just an aside, it is equally damaging when fathers eliminate mothers from the equation. But we are talking about dads here. We also see more cases where the dads get pushed out then the other way around. But the inverse does happen.)

So what is the lesson?

Moms, unless your ex is truly one of the bad apples I mentioned above, you should probably go out of your way to include him in the parenting of your kids. Remember, he is part of who they are as individuals. That is meaningful. Encourage him to be involved. Encourage your kids to reach out to him.

Dads, it’s time to step up if you haven’t already. You are vital and irreplaceable. You are more than a convenient source for child support. You are far more important than a mere sperm donor. Make SURE that your children know that you love them. Demonstrate your love by word and deed. Be responsible. Be involved. Tell your kids that you love them. Show an interest in their activities. Don’t give up. Don’t just blame your ex if you have a terrible relationship with your kids. Step up and take initiative. Those kids of yours are precious and they need you. You are their father!

To both parents, minimize your conflict.

Spend less time fighting about stuff in court and more time working together in a mutually respectful manner. I encourage the use of mental health professionals, mediation or Collaborative Practice to help folks work together. I know the split up probably hurt. Now, be the grown-ups. Swallow your pride. Find a way, if at all possible, to work together for your kids.

Read also:

https://weberdisputeresolution.com/tips-holiday-co-parenting/

https://weberdisputeresolution.com/3-tips-kids-voice-divorce/

https://weberdisputeresolution.com/five-tips-to-have-a-miserable-divorce/

6 Tips for Successful Holiday Co-Parenting

by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 14, 2017 | Uncategorized

By Shawn Weber, Family Law Attorney and Mediator

When we think of the holidays, we think of family. Our traditions are all about bringing the family together and celebrating togetherness. We have Norman Rockwell style images in our heads of the family (and children) gathered around the table with something delicious. Whether it’s lighting the menorah or setting out cookies for Santa, the Holidays inspire hopes for greeting card type scenery and happy times with our children. After all, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” It is also during the holiday time that most parents may opt to take their kids for vacations. It can either be to busy cities like New York, Florida or to serene and peaceful countryside locations like the ones at Iceland. You can opt for camper rental and spend quality time with them on the highlands. They would definitely appreciate spending time with the nature.

However, for single parents, the holidays can be especially trying. As a family law attorney, I typically see an uptick in custody and visitation disputes prior to every major holiday. It makes sense that the most emotionally meaningful calendar dates for people sometimes lead to the most emotionally driven family disputes.

It is always amazing to me that a time of year for celebrating peace on earth can be so full of conflict. Often I will get a frantic call right before a special day.

Examples are:

“The kids were with my ex last year. Now he wants to take them again!”

“I have been planning a visit with my kids to see my parents in another state and now she is ruining our plans! I already bought plane tickets!”

“He is trying to buy the kids with expensive gifts. It makes me look terrible! He knows he doesn’t pay me enough support and I can’t keep up with him!”

“She is threatening to show up right in the middle of our holiday dinner.”

Below are some tips learned through years of trial and error as a family lawyer to help co-parents get through the holidays:

Tip #1: Be Specific In Your Holiday Co-Parenting Plan

There is a reason why lawyers write everything down. When you have your agreement in writing, there is less opportunity for playing games. When I draft custody orders, I try to include a written holiday schedule with specifics about when the kids will be with each parent for which holiday. For example, a provision might look something this:

“In every even-numbered year, Sarah shall be in the Father’s care at 10:00 A.M. on December 24 until 10:00 A.M. on December 25 and in the Mother’s care from 10:00 A.M. on December 25 until 10:00 A.M. on December 26. In every odd-numbered year, this schedule shall reverse.”

(As an aside, notice that I split up the Christmas holiday in a way that lets both parents share in the fun. This is a very typical type of provision to consider including in your holiday co-parenting plan.)

The more specific your order, the less confusing your holiday co-parenting will be on the day of the holiday. Remember, confusion and ambiguity breed conflict and disagreement.

Tip #2: Don’t Wait Until the Last Minute. Discuss and Agree to Holiday Co-Parenting Plans Early.

Planning a trip to North Dakota with the kids for winter break? Then make your holiday co-parenting plans and get your ex’s agreement early. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a party make plans and buy non-refundable tickets only to have those plans dashed at the last minute because they didn’t consult with the other parent. Talk about it early. Agree on travel plans. Get it in writing.

Tip #3: Talk to each other about gifts.

It can be very awkward when both parents buy little Susie a Big Hugs Elmo. So, make an effort to coordinate. And please, don’t make it a competition. It’s about your child after all.

Tip #4: Control the Relatives.

Your child does not need to hear anyone speaking ill of the other parent over turkey, even if he really is a big jerk. Make sure that relatives and family members refrain from bad mouthing. Remember, that’s your child’s other parent they’re talking about. When you allow other people to speak ill of the other parent in front of your children, it only hurts the kids.

Tip #5: Don’t be selfish. Share!

There is a real temptation to want to keep all of the holiday fun for yourself. Avoid that type of thinking. When you are co-parenting, you simply may not get to spend every holiday with your child. It’s the season of giving-remember? However, you may consider (if you are up to it) spending a holiday together with the ex. Why not do the Santa thing together? It can really make a holiday special for your child if you can pull it off without fighting. Be realistic about it, though. If you really can’t get through an evening with your ex without throwing your egg nog at him, then go the separate route.

Tip #6: Respect Boundaries.

If it is your ex's year to have the kids on a holiday, remember to be respectful of her time with the kids. Don't interfere. Do not try to show up at the house unannounced during dinner. Don't worry. I know it may be really difficult to be away from your little ones during a special holiday, but it will be okay. Don't let your kids be the subject of a tug of war on a day that is supposed to be merry and joyful. Let them experience the holiday without being placed in the middle of your struggle. Just let go-at least for the holiday. Your ex will be grateful and will be more likely to return the favor when it's your year.

https://weberdisputeresolution.com/holiday-visitation-bring-peace-on-earth-to-your-kids/

6 Tips for Successful Holiday Co-Parenting

by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 14, 2017 | Uncategorized

By Shawn Weber, Family Law Attorney and Mediator

When we think of the holidays, we think of family. Our traditions are all about bringing the family together and celebrating togetherness. We have Norman Rockwell style images in our heads of the family (and children) gathered around the table with something delicious. Whether it’s lighting the menorah or setting out cookies for Santa, the Holidays inspire hopes for greeting card type scenery and happy times with our children. After all, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” It is also during the holiday time that most parents may opt to take their kids for vacations. It can either be to busy cities like New York, Florida or to serene and peaceful countryside locations like the ones at Iceland. You can opt for camper rental and spend quality time with them on the highlands. They would definitely appreciate spending time with the nature.

However, for single parents, the holidays can be especially trying. As a family law attorney, I typically see an uptick in custody and visitation disputes prior to every major holiday. It makes sense that the most emotionally meaningful calendar dates for people sometimes lead to the most emotionally driven family disputes.

It is always amazing to me that a time of year for celebrating peace on earth can be so full of conflict. Often I will get a frantic call right before a special day.

Examples are:

“The kids were with my ex last year. Now he wants to take them again!”

“I have been planning a visit with my kids to see my parents in another state and now she is ruining our plans! I already bought plane tickets!”

“He is trying to buy the kids with expensive gifts. It makes me look terrible! He knows he doesn’t pay me enough support and I can’t keep up with him!”

“She is threatening to show up right in the middle of our holiday dinner.”

Below are some tips learned through years of trial and error as a family lawyer to help co-parents get through the holidays:

Tip #1: Be Specific In Your Holiday Co-Parenting Plan

There is a reason why lawyers write everything down. When you have your agreement in writing, there is less opportunity for playing games. When I draft custody orders, I try to include a written holiday schedule with specifics about when the kids will be with each parent for which holiday. For example, a provision might look something this:

“In every even-numbered year, Sarah shall be in the Father’s care at 10:00 A.M. on December 24 until 10:00 A.M. on December 25 and in the Mother’s care from 10:00 A.M. on December 25 until 10:00 A.M. on December 26. In every odd-numbered year, this schedule shall reverse.”

(As an aside, notice that I split up the Christmas holiday in a way that lets both parents share in the fun. This is a very typical type of provision to consider including in your holiday co-parenting plan.)

The more specific your order, the less confusing your holiday co-parenting will be on the day of the holiday. Remember, confusion and ambiguity breed conflict and disagreement.

Tip #2: Don’t Wait Until the Last Minute. Discuss and Agree to Holiday Co-Parenting Plans Early.

Planning a trip to North Dakota with the kids for winter break? Then make your holiday co-parenting plans and get your ex’s agreement early. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a party make plans and buy non-refundable tickets only to have those plans dashed at the last minute because they didn’t consult with the other parent. Talk about it early. Agree on travel plans. Get it in writing.

Tip #3: Talk to each other about gifts.

It can be very awkward when both parents buy little Susie a Big Hugs Elmo. So, make an effort to coordinate. And please, don’t make it a competition. It’s about your child after all.

Tip #4: Control the Relatives.

Your child does not need to hear anyone speaking ill of the other parent over turkey, even if he really is a big jerk. Make sure that relatives and family members refrain from bad mouthing. Remember, that’s your child’s other parent they’re talking about. When you allow other people to speak ill of the other parent in front of your children, it only hurts the kids.

Tip #5: Don’t be selfish. Share!

There is a real temptation to want to keep all of the holiday fun for yourself. Avoid that type of thinking. When you are co-parenting, you simply may not get to spend every holiday with your child. It’s the season of giving-remember? However, you may consider (if you are up to it) spending a holiday together with the ex. Why not do the Santa thing together? It can really make a holiday special for your child if you can pull it off without fighting. Be realistic about it, though. If you really can’t get through an evening with your ex without throwing your egg nog at him, then go the separate route.

Tip #6: Respect Boundaries.

If it is your ex's year to have the kids on a holiday, remember to be respectful of her time with the kids. Don't interfere. Do not try to show up at the house unannounced during dinner. Don't worry. I know it may be really difficult to be away from your little ones during a special holiday, but it will be okay. Don't let your kids be the subject of a tug of war on a day that is supposed to be merry and joyful. Let them experience the holiday without being placed in the middle of your struggle. Just let go-at least for the holiday. Your ex will be grateful and will be more likely to return the favor when it's your year.

https://weberdisputeresolution.com/holiday-visitation-bring-peace-on-earth-to-your-kids/