Dividing the Stuff: Dividing Personal Property in a Divorce Without Losing Your Cool

Dividing the Stuff: Dividing Personal Property in a Divorce Without Losing Your Cool

by | Dec 1, 2025 | Family & Divorce Mediation

For many people, dividing personal property in divorce ends up being harder than dividing money.

It surprises them.

The house, the retirement accounts, even support can feel abstract. The furniture, dishes, artwork, photos, and small personal items are not. Those things lived with you. They witnessed the relationship. They carry stories. The house is the marriage museum.

I have seen couples who resolved complex financial issues fairly quickly, only to grind to a halt over pots and pans, the washer and dryer, or a box of knick-knacks collected over years of shared life. Often the items themselves are not especially valuable. What they represent is.

A piece of artwork recalls a trip taken when things were still good. The silver marks a milestone anniversary. A small figurine was a gift from a child. By the time people reach this stage of divorce, they are already emotionally spent. Dividing personal property can reopen grief in a very tangible way.

Below are some practical guidelines that consistently help people move through this part of the process with less conflict and less expense.

Start with realistic values

When dividing personal property in a divorce, courts generally value household items at garage sale value. That is a useful reality check.

Unless you own rare artwork, high-end antiques, or something truly unique, most household items have limited resale value. Emotional meaning can quietly inflate perceived worth, which makes agreement harder. When in doubt, ask a simple question: what would a neutral third party realistically pay for this item used?

Keeping values grounded helps keep conversations grounded.

Handle most items without lawyers

It rarely makes sense to involve attorneys in deciding who gets the couch, the coffee maker, or the bath mat. Legal fees add up quickly, and disputes over dividing personal property in a divorce can consume time and money out of proportion to their importance.

For high-value or unusual items, professional guidance can be appropriate. For most household property, people are better served handling it directly or with the help of a mediator or coach.

Create an inventory before dividing anything

Before decisions are made, it helps to know what actually exists.  In other words, it helps to define the pie before dividing the pie.

Some people prefer a written list. Others find it easier to walk through the home with a phone or camera and record each room. That record can then be used to create a list later. The method matters less than having a shared reference point.

When dividing personal property in a divorce, an inventory reduces suspicion and keeps the process organized.

Use a simple sorting system

One approach that works well for dividing personal property in a divorce is to sort items into clear categories:

  • Items one person will keep
  • Items the other person will keep
  • Items to sell and divide the proceeds
  • Items to donate or discard

Notice what is missing. There is no category for items people cannot agree on.

When agreement is impossible, selling or donating the item is often the cleanest solution. Another option is taking turns choosing disputed items until they are gone. For highly sentimental objects, some couples choose to pass them on to their children.

The goal is progress, not perfect fairness.

Make a plan for photos and videos

Photographs and videos deserve special care.

I often recommend setting a date when both people will make photos and videos from the marriage available to each other. Each person can then choose what they want duplicated. With current technology, scanning and digital copying are relatively easy and affordable. Sharing duplication costs evenly tends to feel fair.

This approach allows both people to preserve memories without turning them into bargaining chips.

Understand how the law treats pets

Many people are surprised to learn that, legally, pets are considered property. Courts generally have limited patience for extended pet disputes and may order outcomes that satisfy neither person.

Because of that reality, it is usually far better for people to work out pet arrangements themselves. Focus on the animal’s needs and daily life rather than ownership language. Doing so often leads to better outcomes for everyone involved.

Take extra care when safety is an issue

In cases involving domestic violence or restraining orders, dividing personal property requires additional planning.

Direct contact may not be appropriate or allowed. Attorneys, mediators, or agreed-upon third parties can help coordinate inventories and exchanges. Legal orders must be respected, even when emotions are high or items feel urgent.

Dividing personal property in a divorce isn’t worth compromising safety or violating court orders.

See the opportunity in the process

Many people eventually describe dividing personal property in a divorce as unexpectedly clarifying.

Letting go of objects tied to an old chapter can create space for something new. When the process is handled thoughtfully, it can feel less like a loss and more like a transition.

If the emotional weight becomes overwhelming, a divorce coach or neutral professional can provide support at a fraction of the cost of extended legal conflict.

Dividing personal property does not have to become another battleground. With patience, structure, and realistic expectations, most couples can move through it with minimal professional intervention.

At the end of the day, these are things. How you handle them will shape how much conflict you carry forward.ips to divide personal property, san diego divorce, san diego divorce attorney, Shawn Weber, san diego divorce mediator

I Have An Alimony Order in California – What is a ‘Gavron Warning’?

by | May 14, 2018 | Uncategorized

What is a Gavron Warning?

Paper family split between broken dollar heart with Alimony text

What is a Gavron Warning?

The idea of the “Gavron Warning” came from the case In Re Marriage of Gavron, (1988) 203 Cal.App.3d 705, 250 Cal.Rptr. 148. In this case, the parties separated in 1976 after a 25 year marriage. Subsequently, the court ordered the husband to pay $1,100 per month of alimony. He did so until 1981, when he asked the court to reduce support to $550 and then terminate entirely after one year. This initial request was denied.

However, the husband tried again in 1986. This time the court ordered that support would continue for five months and then terminate. The wife appealed and reversed the trial court’s order. The appellate court held that because the wife was not warned in prior orders to become self-sufficient, she could not be penalized years later because the court did not tell her to make efforts. In essence, as the court argued, the failure to focus her on the expectation to become self-sufficient meant that the court could not cut her support now.

Because of this case, the courts will frequently issue a warning to the supported spouse. Here is an example of a Gavron Warning:

“NOTICE: It is the goal of this state that each party will make reasonable good faith efforts to become self-supporting as provided for in Family Code section 4320. The failure to make reasonable good faith efforts may be one of the factors considered by the court as a basis for modifying or terminating spousal or partner support.”

Supporting Spouses will want the Gavron Warning included

So, the lesson for support payers is to make sure that the court includes such language in the spousal support order. If it is not, it may be harder to reduce income later if the supported spouse refuses to make good faith efforts to become self-sufficient. When I am representing a support payer, I always ask the judge for a Gavron Warning and I almost always include it in written stipulations. I will also sometimes simply file and serve a written Gavron Warning to the supported party myself at the beginning of the case so that there is no question that the supported party has been warned.

The supported spouse will likely rather not have the Gavron Warning included, but it is hard to oppose it

When I am representing a supported spouse, naturally I will not bring the Gavron Warning up. However, if opposing counsel wants it in an order, there is no legal basis to resist it. The moral for the supported spouse is not to count on the alimony as a permanent means of support.

I frequently refer the supported spouse for vocational counseling to assist with re-entering a career. I get as much alimony as I can, but encourage the prudence of planning for self-reliance. After all, no one knows for sure what the future holds. Not only could the support payer try to reduce alimony, it could simply terminate by means of death. Any changed circumstance such as unemployment or disability could force a reduction or termination in support too. The best advice is to use the support as a life preserver to stay afloat in the short run, but take steps immediately to be ready for when the support may no longer be available.

Further reading:

How California Spousal Support Works

What does California Child Support Cover?

 

 

How can we divide personal property without going crazy?

by | Jan 1, 2016 | Uncategorized

Sometimes it is most difficult in divorce cases to divide personal property -the “stuff” accumulated over the years of a relationship. When people share their lives with each other, they also share and accumulate a lot of personal property. Sometimes the task of dividing the household furniture, furnishings and appliances can be a real struggle. Not only can it be difficult to physically divide and value the assets, it can be a real emotional rollercoaster.

I mediated for a divorcing couple recently, who had their most difficult struggles dividing the pots, pans, furniture, washer, dryer, stereo and those little knick-knacks they picked up at the swap meet over the years. Worse they were on the “pack rat” side of things so they accumulated a lot of things together. Each item represented something important. One piece of artwork reminded them of their romantic vacation in Mexico. The silver they had purchased together to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The little statuette on the mantel was a gift from their child. All through the house they saw many symbols of their relationship and all that they had invested in each other. As a result, a task to divide personal property was extremely painful.

Here are some tips to help you divide personal property:

Understand that the court would only award a household asset at garage sale value.

divorce, personal property, divide personal property, san diego divorce attorneyUnless it is a Steinway Grand Piano or a rare piece of artwork, the chances are high that your stuff is not worth nearly what you may think. While you are looking at the values of things, think of what you would, as an objective outsider, pay for the item at a garage sale or a flea market. Be careful not to allow emotions to “inflate” in your mind the value of the flatware or the coffee maker. Yes we know that the teddy bear collection is absolutely adorable, but honestly, what would a third person really want to pay for it. Use common sense and don’t allow your emotions to cloud things for you when you divide personal property.

Do it yourself.

It is really not cost effective to pay your attorney $300 plus per hour to fight about who gets which couch or who gets the bath mat. If it’s a high dollar asset such as expensive artwork or collectable antiques, you may want to use your professionals. But, for most things it makes more sense to save the money and do it yourself.

Do an inventory first.

It’s a good idea early in the process and before you start dividing things to make a list. If time is a problem, I often recommend going through the house with a video camera and speaking about each item as you tape. You can then go make your list later.

Make a list to divide personal property.

In fact, make several lists. I suggest four columns. Column 1 means he gets it. Column 2 means she gets it. Sell everything you list in column three and divide what money you get equally. Column 4 is for those things in your closet to throw away or donate like the polyester suit in the closet, your old beta video tapes or the pile of Louis L’Amour novels that you haven’t read in twenty years. Notice, I am not including a list for items about which you cannot agree. I am a big believer in using the old Solomon method. If you can’t agree on who gets it, then sell it or donate it. You simply can’t afford, for most items, to spend the time arguing and spending money on your attorneys. One idea, if you are stuck, is to just take turns picking items you can’t agree on until they are gone. Another idea is to give extremely sentimental items as gifts to your children.

Make a plan for photographs and videos.

I recommend that you choose a date when each of you will make photographs and videos taken during the marriage available to the other. The person making the photograph or video available will allow the other to choose which ones he or she would like to duplicate. There are services available that can duplicate photographs and even restore some of them for you for a reasonable fee. You can also convert your old vhs to digital so that you both can keep a copy of your videotapes with yourselves. With today’s computers, scanners and printers, you might be able to do a lot of this yourselves. Each of you should share equally in the duplication costs.

Pets, according to the law, are property.

I have had many clients tell me how their pets have become nearly as important to them as children. They are often surprised to learn that the court deals with them not as living things so much as property. Few courts will entertain a pet “custody battle.” Remember, a court has the ability to truly play Solomon with your pets and order them sold. I advise parties to do everything they can to work it out relating to the pets. Do everything possible to consider your pets’ needs and do what is best for them rather than allowing them to become an issue of property division.

Be careful if there is a history of domestic violence.

In cases where there has been domestic violence, sometimes it is difficult to sit together and divide personal property. In such instances, it is probably advisable to go ahead and use your attorney as at least a go between. Naturally, if there are restraining orders in place, it would be impossible to meet face to face. But the same ideas described above apply. It is just you will need to make arrangements to inventory the house without the other being present and with proper legal arrangements. Don’t violate a restraining order just to get some stuff out of the house.

I have had many clients tell me that the process of dividing the personal items was a healthy cleansing process.

One client told me, it was nice to get rid of some of our old, useless stuff and start over for a fresh, clean break. If even after following these steps, a couple still finds it difficult emotionally, I recommend making use of a divorce coach, who can even come to your home while you do the division. Typically using a single divorce coach is much more cost effective than using your attorneys to divide household items.

If both parties approach the task to divide personal property with a fair, patient and open mind they will likely be successful in doing the division with little to no attorney intervention. The court’s are particularly happy when parties can reach agreements on their own. Parties should be careful not to allow the division of things bring unnecessary conflict. Remember, they are just things and not people.

tips to divide personal property, san diego divorce, san diego divorce attorney, Shawn Weber, san diego divorce mediator

San Diego Attorney Sandra Morris on Why Collaborative Practice Saves Money

by | Jul 15, 2013 | Uncategorized

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My friend and colleague, Sandra Morris, is an outstanding family law attorney in San Diego and a member of the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego.  She recently shared a great article about the cost benefits in choosing Collaborative Practice to do a divorce as opposed to the terrible cost of litigation.  It’s a good read.

My favorite quote from the article: “The economic and time savings in the costs of discovery is enormous. You have saved time, and therefore saved money.”

Here is a link to the article: http://collaborativefamilylawsandiegoblog.com/?p=349

For information about how you can use Collaborative Practice for your divorce or legal dispute, contact Shawn Weber at 858-345-1616 or visit http://www.bravewebermack.com/Family-Law-Overview/Collaborative-Divorce.shtml.

Love and Real Estate: Family Law Attorney Shawn Weber’s 3rd Appearance on San Diego AM 1700 ESPN Radio on “The Real Estate Radio Hour”

by | Feb 13, 2013 | Uncategorized

San Diego Mediator Shawn Weber the Dolphin Lawyer on ESPN Real Talk San Diego talking about mediation

The “Dolphin Lawyer” Shawn Weber

I was happy to make another appearance on the Real Estate Radio Hour on San Diego AM 1700 ESPN Radio.  This time I was able to talk to hosts Ryan White and David McElveen about Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, deferred sale of the family residence and “nesting” where the kids get the house and the parents pack their bags instead of the kids.  It’s a lot of fun to sit down with Ryan and David to talk about “Love and Real Estate” — especially right before Valentine’s Day!

Give it a listen and let me know what you think!

Here’s the link to the podcast: View in iTunes

Real Estate Radio 2013-02-12