by Shawn Weber | Oct 30, 2025 | Family & Divorce Mediation
Co-parenting on Halloween can be tricky – or it can be a treat. It depends on you!
Halloween has a way of sneaking up on even the most organized separated parents. Judges don’t usually mention it in custody orders, probably because it doesn’t come with a day off work. But let’s get real: for kids, Halloween is the Super Bowl of childhood (well, or at least the World Series). They plan plays, scout candy routes, and train their sweet tooth all month. The last thing they need is for their parents to turn their night of magic into a showdown. Give them the gift of laughter, not drama.
So, how do you keep the co-parenting on Halloween about the kids and not about your latest argument? Here are a few tricks (and treats) to keep things fun and focused on your children:
First, put Halloween in your parenting plan.
Yes, actually write it down. Decide ahead of time who gets trick-or-treating this year, or who goes to the school parade. Don’t wait until October 30th to start the debate. Clear plans mean fewer last-minute meltdowns—for everyone.
Consider doing Halloween together.
If you and your ex can handle being in the same place without the drama, great. Kids light up when both parents show up and keep things friendly. You do not have to match costumes or fake a friendship. Just keep it polite and easy. But if you know the night will turn into a horror show, skip it. Give everyone a break and keep the peace.
Let your kids have their night.
Don’t make Halloween memorable for all the wrong reasons. This isn’t the time to air your grievances or compete for Best Parent. Focus on their fun, not your own feelings.
Control the grandparents and extended family.
Sometimes, the real monsters on the scene can be the extended family. Perhaps they don’t quite understand what this co-parenting scene is all about, and they are tempted to engage in conflict. Stop them! Don’t let them badmouth the other parent or start a fight. Tell them to behave themselves and follow the getting-along program before the evening even starts.
Costume drama should be left to the theater, not your living room.
Don’t turn your child’s costume choice into a tug-of-war. Talk it out ahead of time and let your kid pick what makes them happy. Remember, the goal is giggles, not power plays.
Share the Halloween joy when you can.
If it’s your night, maybe swing by the other parent’s place so the kids can show off their costumes. It’s a small gesture, but it tells your kids both parents are in their corner. If it’s not your night, don’t crash the party. Respect the boundaries and find another time to celebrate.
Co-parenting on Halloween can be sweet, like candy, or a nightmare, like a scary movie.
It all depends on whether the adults can keep it together. Give your kids a night that’s about them, not about your old arguments. Show them how grownups are supposed to behave. Halloween should be about candy and giggles, not conflict. Years from now, your kids won’t remember who bought the best costume or who had the last word. But they will remember feeling safe and loved. That’s the real treat.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | Aug 8, 2019 | Uncategorized
Can you believe it’s back to school time already? Divorced parents need to make some specific preparations for a successful school year. Photo Wokandpix/Creative Commons License
Can you believe it’s already time for 60 million American kids to go back to school? Didn’t we just start summer?
Mixed feelings are natural at this time of year for everyone. Kids are sad about summer being over so quickly. But they are likely to be excited and happy to see friends and get involved in favorite activities like athletics, music, or robotics.
But if you are a divorced parent navigating co-parenting, back to school is a little more complicated. Who pays for what? What activities will the child get to be involved in? Who does the school call if there is a problem? Who gets to chaperone the field trip? What school will your child will attend, near Dad’s house or Mom’s house?
The phone starts ringing at Weber Dispute Resolution at this time of year. Parents having trouble solving these issues come to us for help mediating their conflicts. We are glad they do, instead of taking their problems to court. If you need the same help for yourself or your clients, we hope to hear from you.
We offer these tips to help you start working through problems and considering your options.
Get on the same page about routines.
Get on the same page about school routines. Photo: Luci/Creative Commons License
Don’t make school any more complicated than necessary. Kids do better if you and your co-parent agree on routines, and so will you. Meet before school starts without the kids in a neutral location to discuss the routine details first. Some areas for discussion:
- Emergency contacts and emergency procedures
- Instructions about academics and schoolwork
- Disciplinary issues
- Transportation and pick-up
- After-school activities
Once you agree, write it all down and share the plan with your children.
Deal with school expenses up front.
Custodial parents usually find themselves paying up front for back-to-school wardrobes and school supplies and then ask for half of the expenses. But even when parents agree to split the cost, sometimes one parent has very different ideas about how much to spend on things like clothes. Set a budget up front you can both live with. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.
Share school supplies information.
You may be the parent in charge of school shopping, but your ex might want to be involved. Let’s say your kid is in their last year of high school and wants to buy some gifts for their classmates to keep as memories of their time together. They might come to either of you to request the purchase. However, keeping the other one involved – whether you’re going to a store to buy keepsakes or heading online to Jostens or similar stores for the same – might be in your best interest so as to avoid any conflicts. If you do decide to go alone, make sure both of you have talked in advance about what Jim or Jane get to give their friends as a memorable keepsake. Purchases like this on a whim rarely end up without an argument and upset parents and kids.
Figure out what extra-curricular activities will be added – and paid for.
Are your kids into sports? Drama? Robotics? After school activities take time and money. Be sure you agree which parent is contributing both. Photo: KeithJJ/Creative Commons
Outside of the classroom, many kids want to participate in sports, music, drama, debate, student government, robotics or other science competitions. These activities can build valuable skills and develop passions your kids may follow into careers. But they also put a strain on your schedule and your budget. When time and money aren’t unlimited, you and your co-parent have to decide up front what’s realistic for your child and what’s not. Who is going to provide the transportation, and pay the fees?
Coordinate everyone’s calendars.
There are going to be lots of events when school starts: sports and music practices, meets, science fairs, concerts, etc. And you think your workday is busy! Coordinate the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child is able to attend important events. Have calendars in each house, one in your child’s backpack and give one to teachers or coaches to show which parent he will be with.
Negotiate attendance at school events.
Agree in advance to be courteous to one another at school events so you can attend at the same time. You can suck it up for the hour it takes every few months. If this is really, truly not possible, arrange to attend on different nights or at different times.
Meet the new teacher.
Meet your child’s teacher and stay in communication. Photo: Kevin Lopez/Creative Commons License
Divorced or not, it is always good to meet with your child’s new teacher. Let her or him know your child comes from a divorced home or a shared custody home. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just a bad day. Your child’s teacher should know what’s going on. But keep teachers and school personnel out of any conflicts between you and your former spouse.
Share information about your child’s education and progress.
Don’t play games or create obstacles for the noncustodial parent to get information. Unless you have a protective order, give permission to the children’s teachers, counselors, and medical professionals to share school information with both parents.
Arrange for duplicate notifications.
Information should be shared with both parents. It can be useful to arrange for separate, duplicate notifications about academic progress and school activities so one parent is not responsible for copying and sending information to the other, including anything like schoolwork or forms your child brings home; Do NOT make your child the responsible party.
A written record can help keep legal issues straight and problems from escalating. If you have a contentious relationship with your co-parent, why fan the flames at all? Arrange up front for a neutral third party like a mediator to be the point of mutual contact between you to ensure civility and cooperation.
Remember who school is for. It’s not a battleground to establish who is the better parent.
Remember, school is for your kids – not a battleground for you and your ex. Photo: Ernesto Silva/Creative Commons License
It’s great for you to be involved with your children, but don’t get into a competition with your former spouse. Your child is still dealing with your divorce no matter how long ago it happened while juggling the demands of school. Let school be your kid’s refuge, a place for him or her to have fun, learn, achieve and excel, and forget about difficult family issues.
No matter what, you can’t go wrong making a decision if you stop and ask yourself this: what’s in the best interest of my child? You get an A-plus.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | Nov 19, 2018 | Uncategorized
SMART parenting agreements can ensure happy holidays even when you’re divorced.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, we believe in crafting SMART agreements. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-Bound. SMART agreements help with enforcement, and make it clear to both parties what is required for them to stay within the boundaries of their agreement.
Here’s why a SMART agreement makes things so much easier:
- When an agreement isn’t SPECIFIC, parties become confused over exactly what they agreed on
- Unless performance can be MEASURED in some way, it is difficult to determine where the boundaries are, and when they’ve been broken.
- Any agreement must be ATTAINABLE – something you can easily comply with. People can’t be expected to do the impossible – it’s setting them up to fail.
- Agreements require RELEVANCE to make sense in any particular circumstance.
- Finally, linking the provisions to TIME-BOUND deadlines lets people know when things should happen.
So, unless your agreement is a SMART agreement, there is a good chance you will be facing problems down the road.
This is especially true when we are talking about holiday co-parenting. People can become emotional during the holiday season. It’s understandable and predictable. Holidays are all about family. Not having your children with you and with your extended family during the holidays can be hard to cope with.
Because people are so emotional about the holidays, parenting decisions about holiday traditions and practices can become a significant source of conflict. When I used to litigate family law cases in courtrooms, unfortunately for my clients, they paid me a good amount of money to sort out holiday schedules and last-minute misunderstandings.
With a SMART holiday co-parenting agreement, you can avoid big emotional blowouts AND writing big checks to lawyers. Here’s how.
SMART – Specific
When crafting holiday orders and agreements, make sure you are very specific about what the schedule is. Just saying that the
SMART agreements are specific. Photo: Antonio Litterio/Wikimedia
kids are with mom on Christmas in even-numbered years and Dad in odd-numbered years is a start. But it is not very specific. Get into the weeds about when exactly Christmas starts and ends. Where will the kids be delivered or picked-up. I have even seen people get specific about whether a joint present opening time would happen and how it would go. The more specific your agreement is, the less likely there will be misunderstandings.
Another example is with New Year’s Eve and Day. When talking about New Year’s Eve and Day and odd years versus even years, which year counts for odd or even? Is it New Years Eve, which falls in one year, or New Years Day, which falls in the following year? This kind of lack of specificity can lead to confusion.
A colleague of mine recalled a poll on a local list serve account for family law attorneys. She learned that when confronted with the question of which day, New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day, counts for purposes of even and odd, roughly half of the respondents thought it was New Years Eve while the other half thought it was New Years Day. Get clear, and you can avoid trouble.
SMART agreements are timebound.
SMART – Measurable and Time-Bound
When talking about parenting schedules, measurable and time-bound tend to go together. It’s good practice to have a clear start and end time when describing holiday periods. A common provision is “The child shall spend Father’s Day with the father every year.” This is too vague.
Much better and a more effective provision: “The child shall be with father on Father’s Day every year from 8 a.m. the morning of the holiday until 8 a.m. the day after the holiday.”
SMART – Attainable
It seems like a no brainer an agreement or order should be attainable. But sometimes, people don’t realize a provision is unattainable. In a recent case, the court order described as written the children would be with Mom on Christmas Day at 10:00 a.m. and returned to Dad at 10:00 a.m. the next morning. However, the parties lived more than 3,000 miles apart! These parents could not possibly make this work from any practical standpoint.
In another case, the children were to alternate between mom’s house and dad’s house during the holidays for overnight visits in an even and odd patterned schedule. The problem? One of the parents was incarcerated.
So it’s important to avoid these kinds of attainability problems by making sure the agreement’s boilerplate language is customized to you and written to fit your unique circumstances.
SMART – Relevant
SMART agreements must be relevant to your circumstances.
Holiday co-parenting orders should be relevant to your situation. In one of my cases, Family Court Services made Christmas co-parenting recommendations. The parties only celebrated Jewish holidays. Clearly, something lost in translation was missed.
As practitioners, it’s tempting to fit people neatly into nice little boxes. But it makes little sense to force parents to observe a holiday schedule for holidays the parties don’t even celebrate. In another case, attorneys included a provision for Fourth of July. The parties didn’t celebrate Fourth of July and weren’t concerned about having the kids on Fourth of July.
The SMART Approach to Happy Holidays When You’re Divorced
Filling a holiday co-parenting agreement with irrelevant provisions does nothing but confuse things, and clutter up your case with unhelpful rules. To say nothing of having an agreement that falls into the “TL; DR” category (that’s Tool Long, Didn’t Read).
Your agreement should be meaningful, with SMART rules that make sense for you and your family alone. Work with someone who will listen to your needs and get you know you, your co-parent, and your kids, and create something that fits. You won’t be fighting against it and arguing about it, which doesn’t help anyone.
Want to clean up your holiday co-parenting schedule BEFORE the holidays get here? Would you like to avoid those frantic last minute calls to a lawyer to fix your holiday parenting schedule? Contact Weber Dispute Resolution now, and you can have truly happy holidays without a care. Isn’t that the holiday gift all families wish for?
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | Aug 28, 2018 | Uncategorized
Family law attorney and mediator Shawn Weber of Weber Dispute Resolution appeared on the NBC 7 San Diego Morning News on Friday, August 24 to offer advice to divorced parents who have conflicts over ‘back to school’ issues with their children.
Family law attorney and mediator Shawn Weber interviewed by NBC 7 San Diego news on back to school issues for divorced parents.
Weber recommends parents discuss their expectations and come to an agreement on time commitments, spending, and logistics involving school-age children long before the school year starts.
If you need help working through conflicts with your ex-spouse over parenting issues, contact Weber Dispute Resolution today at 858-410-0144.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | Mar 26, 2018 | Uncategorized
This article was originally posted in 2013. We have received such a positive reaction that we are reposting it. It was the subject of Shawn Weber’s upcoming interview on the Real Talk San Diego Facebook Live program on March 28 at 1:00 PM PDT. Watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/yourwealthhour
Some dads aren’t so great
Let me preface this post by noting that there are a lot of terrible fathers. Many of them are abusive, punitive and cruel. Many are irresponsible and fail to take their role as parent seriously. Some simply abandon and neglect their families. In such cases, it may very well be better for the kids if these dads weren’t around. Such men are not “fathers”. They are unworthy of the title. My heart goes out to their victims. But, there are good dads out there and in many cases, their role can be unnecessarily marginalized. I am only talking about the good dads in this post. Women, please don’t hate me.
Every time Father’s Day approaches, I find myself contemplating the role of a dad in the family- in particular, given my career as a family law attorney, the role of a dad in a post-divorce family. I grow increasingly frustrated with the term “single parent”, which is so often bantered about unnecessarily. We are told of how hard the single parent has to work. Often we are treated to images of single moms struggling to make ends meet with kids at home and a dad nowhere to be found or, at least, not involved. For many of my clients, that is the case. To be sure, there are a lot of dads out there who don’t step up.
Co-parenting is better when possible
In most cases, however, single parenting isn’t necessary. Co-parenting is the better way to go. After the demise of some marriages, one parent does everything possible to eliminate the other parent from the equation. I have heard moms say that they would be happy if their kids’ dad would just go away. Some even say they would prefer their ex-husbands to be dead. Such sentiment is surprisingly common. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
There are dads who check out and neglect their families, refusing to pay child support and refusing to take responsibility as fathers. There are dads who are abusive. It is only natural that a woman may feel uneasy about the man who beat her up. I am not talking about the bad apples here. However, there are many dads who do not deserve the level of scorn they receive.
Divorce can be nasty. When people get to my office, things are usually pretty bad. Folks don’t make the big decision to get a divorce unless they are very unhappy with their spouse. However, all too often, a wife can unnecessarily extend her hatred of her ex to his relationship with the children. These women, not realizing the damage they inflict on their children, will stop at nothing to minimize or even eliminate a dad’s involvement in the family. While they are very happy to maximize the child support they receive, they are relentless in removing dad from the parenting equation. This is not ok. Kids need their dad and although a wife’s experience of her ex-husband as a spouse may be less than perfect to say the least, this man still has an important role with the kids.
I have had a number of cases recently where a mother decides, for whatever reason, to relocate out of the state. These women have reasons for their decision to relocate. Sometimes the reasons are good. Many times they aren’t. Perhaps they are moving closer to family. Perhaps they feel they can get cheaper housing. Universally, they minimize the impact on the kids’ relationship with dad. They, wrongly, believe that they are the only important parent in their children’s lives.
What they fail to understand is that this man, with all of his imperfections, is still their kids’ dad. He is a part of them. They love him. Yes, they even need him. One prominent psychologist told me that the moving parent almost in every case fails to understand how devastating moving the kids away from the other parent can be. In family law, move-away cases are not about what is in the child’s best interest. Rather it is about minimizing detriment. It is rarely in the child’s best interest to move away. As participants in the legal process we are then asked to determine whether it messes the kids up more to lose their dad or to lose their mother. Judge’s hate these kinds of cases.
Dads matter to kids
I have seen grown, tough men weep openly in my office as they explain to me how hurt they are that the mother of their children cares so little for their contribution. One such parent lamented that with his wife moving, he would no longer be able to attend Cub Scout meetings or coach the soccer team. The opportunity to sport his child’s team badge and colors on a polo shirt, that can be customized from places like Imprint, will no longer be possible. The support he could show for his child has gone in a blink of an eye. Another father told me how upset he was that his son would miss out on campouts and fishing trips. Another dad told me how tragic it was that he and his daughter would miss their regular basketball scrimmages at the local park.
I have also seen children in pain that one of their parents is being cut out of their lives. One teenage boy told me that he misses his father terribly and doesn’t understand why his mother speaks negatively about him. He says, “He’s my dad. When she bad mouths him, it is like she is talking bad about me. It makes me cry. I don’t show her though; I just go in my room and punch my pillow.” Another twelve-year-old boy told me that while he loves his mom and understands that she had her reasons for leaving his father, he feels like a piece of him is missing. He said, “My uncles are great. But they are not my dad. Why can’t I just have my dad around.” Then with tears in his eyes he said, “I just wish I could still hang out with him.”
Dads, you need to step up
Not just to pick on the moms, I have had many mother’s complain that they wished that their ex-husbands would be more involved fathers. They try to encourage dad to participate, but he refuses. Sometimes dads just “check out” as parents after the divorce. This is not ok either. Dads, you need to step up.
I am a strong believer that it takes two genders to be most effective in parenting. To be sure, there may be someone out there who will take me to task and wrongly accuse me of sexism. I am just noting, that as much as we would like to say that there are no differences, men and women are, in fact, different. These differences, rather than seen as a way to divide families, should be embraced and celebrated. As a father of five children, my wife and I have had many conversations about how important we believe the gender differences are in our parenting. We each bring different parenting styles and different approaches to the table. These differences enrich our children and bring them balance.
The best co-parenting I see is when both parents are deeply involved
While the parents may have deep and real differences that led to a divorce, they don’t show their children these differences. Rather they present a unified front to the kids. They both encourage a relationship with the other parent. They seek the other parent’s guidance and counsel about issues with the kids. The kids benefit greatly from having both parents as active and equally important parts of their lives.
(Just an aside, it is equally damaging when fathers eliminate mothers from the equation. But we are talking about dads here. We also see more cases where the dads get pushed out then the other way around. But the inverse does happen.)
So what is the lesson?
Moms, unless your ex is truly one of the bad apples I mentioned above, you should probably go out of your way to include him in the parenting of your kids. Remember, he is part of who they are as individuals. That is meaningful. Encourage him to be involved. Encourage your kids to reach out to him.
Dads, it’s time to step up if you haven’t already. You are vital and irreplaceable. You are more than a convenient source for child support. You are far more important than a mere sperm donor. Make SURE that your children know that you love them. Demonstrate your love by word and deed. Be responsible. Be involved. Tell your kids that you love them. Show an interest in their activities. Don’t give up. Don’t just blame your ex if you have a terrible relationship with your kids. Step up and take initiative. Those kids of yours are precious and they need you. You are their father!
To both parents, minimize your conflict.
Spend less time fighting about stuff in court and more time working together in a mutually respectful manner. I encourage the use of mental health professionals, mediation or Collaborative Practice to help folks work together. I know the split up probably hurt. Now, be the grown-ups. Swallow your pride. Find a way, if at all possible, to work together for your kids.
Read also:
https://weberdisputeresolution.com/tips-holiday-co-parenting/
https://weberdisputeresolution.com/3-tips-kids-voice-divorce/
https://weberdisputeresolution.com/five-tips-to-have-a-miserable-divorce/
