In fact, some are much better than others. What’s more, a bad family mediator can cost you a lot of stress and money in the long run. Good conflict resolution requires a very specific set of skills. In other words, it’s best to get a mediator as your neutral third party who knows what she is doing.
In California, there are no licensure requirements for mediators. So, it’s buyer beware to some extent.
Here are some questions to ask a divorce mediator:
#1: How much mediation training has the mediator had?
Training is really important. Good mediators have a specific skill set in working with parties to resolve their differences. These listening and communication skills are crucial to a case going well or poorly.
Make sure your mediator has sufficient training and has received continuing training too. For example, if they just took a course 15 years ago without getting updates, they will probably lack crucial skills.
Looking for divorce mediation training?
Check out Family Resolution Institute here
for more information.
#2: What other professional credentials does the mediator have?
Make sure your mediator has professional know-how beyond just a one-time mediation training course. Typical mediators are either lawyers, mental health professionals or financial professionals. They should have a working knowledge of the family law issues you are going to face.
When drafting a settlement agreement, it is often helpful to have a lawyer serve as your mediator. Mental health professionals are excellent for custody cases or cases where emotions are high. Financial professionals help a ton with money issues. If there is no other underlying credential, you might want to look elsewhere.
Also, be careful of unlicensed professionals. For instance, just because someone has a J.D., they may not necessarily be a licensed attorney. You certainly don’t want a disbarred attorney as your mediator. If they don’t have an active license, ask why.
#3: Is the mediator a full-time mediator, or a dabbler?
It’s best to get a mediator who mediates on a full-time basis. Be careful of dabblers. A person who mediates full-time takes the profession seriously.
People often get into trouble if they hire a person whose full-time job is as an adversarial attorney or a therapist, for example, who may only mediate now and then. Such folks will likely not have the skills you need to get results.
#4: Beware of one-day or super cheap processes.
Marriage is not an easy thing to unwind. Be careful of mediators who promise results in one day or some other very short time period. Chances are, you will feel rushed, and your settlement will not cover what it needs to cover. A good process typically involves several mediation sessions.
Also, be careful of super-cheap mediators. In many cases, you really do get what you pay for. There can be lasting consequences if you rush your divorce process and miss something important. Spend the time and money to get it right!
#5: Ask the divorce mediator about his/her process and conflict resolution style.
Every mediator is different and may have a different style. Some mediators are much more facilitative while others are more directive and evaluative. As a result, the relationship with your mediator is very personal.
A mediator who is excellent for one couple may not be so good for another. So take the time to get to know the mediator, her process, and style before you agree to mediate.
Very importantly, don’t rely on your mediator for legal advice. Even if your mediator is an attorney, he can’t be YOUR attorney because of conflict of interest concerns. So it is always smart during any mediation process to consult with a lawyer to ensure your decisions are informed.
It’s important to know the right questions to ask a divorce mediator. Hopefully, these tips will help you with the mediator selection process.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, we provide both collaborative law and mediation services. To get more information, give us a call at 858-410-0144.
You can control how angry and hurt you remain after your divorce. Using principles of forgiveness during divorce will help you control divorce emotions and move on.
Almost every divorce involves a situation where somebody did someone wrong. Or… at the very least, someone feels like someone did somebody wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am living the B.J. Thomas song, “Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song”.
The reality is that divorce sucks. It hurts a lot in fact. As a California divorce mediator, I used to hide behind the excuse that California is a no-fault state and what happened to lead to the divorce is legally irrelevant. But the no-fault concept misses the point that divorce is more than just a legal process; it’s a human experience. If you require legal help through the divorce, here’s what to expect from their services – https://www.benchrestgallery.com/how-a-divorce-lawyer-can-help/.
Divorce Causes Real Pain: The Need to Control Divorce Emotions
The parties to a divorce are real people with real pain. Often a case just won’t settle until the parties can process their divorce emotions, hurt, and pain. This can almost always be made easier once you are in touch with a Family Attorney, because not only do they advise you on your rights, but they are there there for you when you are at your most vulnerable to protect you. They can help you focus, and process your emotions.
I don’t mean to minimize the pain of divorce emotions because I know it is very real. However, one can find that place where a person can let go of the anger and hurt in order to move on. Forgiveness during divorce and after really is possible.
Don’t Be a Monkey
Perhaps you have heard of the fable of the monkey trap. Apparently, you can take a jar with an opening large enough to fit a monkey hand and fill the jar with cookies. The monkey then comes along, inserts his hand through the opening to grab a cookie. However, because his fist with the cookie is now larger than the opening to the jar, the monkey can’t remove his fist and is trapped. Rather than rationally letting go of the cookie, the monkey will remain trapped indefinitely.
There is at least some truth to the story as shown by this video about a hunter capturing a baboon with a similar strategy:
Similar to the monkey who won’t let go, we tend to hold onto our grudges. By holding onto our hurt and anger with a clenched fist, we can become trapped until we figure out to let go. Similar to the monkey, it’s hard to escape a divorce situation without learning to also release the clenched fist. A person might finish her divorce, but will still carry the pain into the post-divorce life and even into the next relationship.
Forgiveness during divorce is an important way to release anger.
Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Anger and the search for revenge rarely help anything. They certainly don’t bring peace.
If you find yourself consumed with anger when you think of your ex, consider letting go. Make a conscious decision to forgive the other person. Notice that I am not suggesting that you allow anyone to cause you harm again. I simply suggest that forgiving and letting go of the anger will help to control divorce emotions. It will go a long way to finding peace.
Remember, forgiveness during divorce is an exercise that only the injured person can control. It does not require the wrongdoer to pay for what he did to you or to apologize. The other person does not even need to be sorry. Your forgiving and letting go is entirely up to you. It’s not easy, but it is completely within your control.
If you find forgiveness during divorce difficult to achieve and find that it gets in the way of moving on, consider discussing the issue with clergy or mental health professionals. Those former professionals can dig up the Church Resources and help you with solutions on how to proceed in life. Perhaps, hearing such practical and reliable advice could be something that you need at this point. Until you can control divorce emotions and let go of the anger, you, like the monkey, will be stuck. If you have employed one of the Denver law firms to assist you through the divorce process, they may be able to offer you some support too.
If you think forgiveness during a divorce is too hard, you are wrong. It is reachable. There are tons of examples in the world of people who forgave the unspeakable and made their lives better. See the examples below:
For many of my clients, the holidays after divorce can be a difficult time.
Many are keenly aware of the loss they have suffered as the result of their divorce and will go to great lengths to preserve a sense of family. The changes to the family, for many, are in stark contrast to the ideal Norman Rockwell Holiday memories they want their kids to have. People also, quite reasonably, want their children with them on those special days. All of that is reasonable, but when the wish to have your kids with you on a special Holiday turns into conflict between you and your ex, your kids can suffer.
It’s a bit ironic that in this season when we are supposedly celebrating peace on earth, some of the greatest interfamily conflict can occur and if you’re not careful, your kids will be right in the middle of a holiday visitation disaster. Here are just a few ideas about how to bring “Peace on Earth” to your kids for the holidays after divorce:
Consider Celebrating Some Part of the Holiday Together with Your Ex.
I know, you worked hard to get away from your former spouse, but your kids didn’t. For their sake, consider putting the past behind you and let your kids open presents with both of their parents. That said, if you just can’t be in the same room with the other parent without it devolving into a slug fest, then reconsider. But if you both can keep it together long enough for the kids to have a nice holiday, you will have done something very kind for them. This is the season of giving after all.
Coordinate Presents with the Other Parent.
Much of the holidays after divorce conflict we see is when the parents compete with each other over the present giving. Don’t let that happen. Rather, spend some time early coordinating the gift giving with the other parent. Perhaps consider purchasing joint gifts. Don’t let something as beautiful as gift giving turn into an ugly competition.
Don’t Project Your Own Emotions About the Holidays After Divorce Onto Your Kids.
Holiday visitation stirs up all kinds of feelings and emotions. Regret, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness- these are feelings that can pop up in spades during the holidays. However, if these are your emotions, they might not necessarily be what your kids are feeling. We have a tendency to project our own feelings and frustrations onto others, when that is usually not appropriate. Be aware of that and keep your expression of emotions in check. Stay selfless and make the holidays about others and what their needs are. Be mindful, that your kids’ needs will likely include time with the other parent.
Plan the Holiday Visitation and Travel Schedule Early.
Don't just assume that your ex will be aware of or will cooperate in fulfilling your expectations for the perfect holiday with the kids. Communicate early and plan ahead with your kids' other parent to reduce confusion or frustration when the holiday comes around. Don't assume anything about the schedule. Don't wait until Thanksgiving to talk about the holidays. Start talking and coordinating in July – or even earlier. That way, when the holiday comes around, there will be no surprises.
In summary, the holidays after divorce can be a time when cherished memories are created. However, they can also be a time of heartache and terrible memories if not done properly. Don't let problems with holiday visitation be a flashpoint for your kids to remember how badly you and your ex behaved. Let it be "Peace on Earth" for your kids. That means that you need to take responsibility to be a peacemaker with the other parent.
These are just a few ideas. Maybe you have some ideas or tips. Share them with me!
My friend and colleague, San Diego Divorce Attorney Fran Setzer, wrote a great post about using a neutral Child Specialist to help with divorce proceedings.
A neutral Child Specialist, who is a mental health professional experienced with children and divorce, can be an excellent resource for parents and really puts the needs of the children front and center. I am a big fan of bringing the right specialized resource to the right situation. A Child Specialist is the perfect tool when considering the needs of kids in a divorce.
I will often receive a call from a potential client interested in a San Diego divorce mediation, but who is a little apprehensive because their spouse has had a history of coercion, manipulation and bullying. The question then arises as to whether mediation is really the appropriate venue to resolve the case. Many of my peers may disagree with me, but a good mediator can successfully resolve almost any case. Here are some points to consider for a successful divorce mediation when your spouse is a bully:
Check to make sure you have a well-trained mediator.
Mediating a case where there is a history of coercion or manipulation is advanced work and not for the faint of heart. You need to make sure that your mediator has the skill, background and personality to ensure a level playing field. It may be a good idea to bring up your concerns in a caucus session so that the mediator is aware.
Make sure you consult with an attorney.
Mediation is actually without risk because the mediator makes no decisions in your case. She can only help facilitate the discussion. Nothing becomes binding until you sign the marital settlement agreement. You would be wise, however, to work with advising counsel throughout the mediation process. Come to mediation sessions armed with knowledge of your rights and what the law may or may not provide. Under no circumstances should you ever feel pressure to sign any documents without first having had the opportunity to review it with your attorney. If you continue to feel uncomfortable, you may want your attorney to attend mediation with you.
Consider hiring a divorce coach or a therapist.
You need to bring your best self to the mediation sessions. To avoid falling into the same old patterns where you may have been manipulated or coerced in the past, it is wise to meet with a mental health professional knowledgable in divorce issues to prepare you for the sessions so that you can avoid getting your buttons pushed. You can find divorce coaches by looking up your local Collaborative Practice group. In San Diego, you can go here: http://www.collaborativefamilylawsandiego.com.
Demand Full Financial Disclosure.
In successful mediation, disclosure is essential. Make no decisions without having had the opportunity to thoroughly review all material financial information. A financial disclosure should also include back-up statements and documents. Like in the cold war, it’s “Trust but Verify.” You may consider having a financial professional such as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) review the disclosures to uncover any “red flags” deserving additional investigation.
Stand Your Ground.
Bullies often bluster and threaten. More often than not, the threats are empty. If you prepare yourself, you need not be intimidated. Often times, abusive relationship involve a sort of abuse dance. You don’t have to dance anymore. You are getting divorced. You are intelligent. You are certainly not stupid. Stand on your own two feet and rely on your support system to be strong.
If there is physical intimate partner violence, think twice.
It is one thing to be a bit of a blowhard and a verbal bully. It’s entirely different when the situation involved physical violence. Do not trifle with domestic violence. If that is happening, mediation is very difficult. However, even in such situations, mediation can be appropriate with safeguards in place. For instance, you can be in separate rooms at all times or you can demand anger management counseling. In any case, make sure you have trained professionals who know what they are doing. If for one moment, you do not feel safe, you can withdraw. However, as a general rule, physical intimate partner violence presents a huge red flag.
San Diego Divorce Mediation, San Diego Divorce Mediator, San Diego Divorce Mediation, Solana Beach, Shawn Weber, San Diego Divorce Attorney
Not every divorce mediator is the same.
