Dividing the Stuff: Dividing Personal Property in a Divorce Without Losing Your Cool

Dividing the Stuff: Dividing Personal Property in a Divorce Without Losing Your Cool

by | Dec 1, 2025 | Family & Divorce Mediation

For many people, dividing personal property in divorce ends up being harder than dividing money.

It surprises them.

The house, the retirement accounts, even support can feel abstract. The furniture, dishes, artwork, photos, and small personal items are not. Those things lived with you. They witnessed the relationship. They carry stories. The house is the marriage museum.

I have seen couples who resolved complex financial issues fairly quickly, only to grind to a halt over pots and pans, the washer and dryer, or a box of knick-knacks collected over years of shared life. Often the items themselves are not especially valuable. What they represent is.

A piece of artwork recalls a trip taken when things were still good. The silver marks a milestone anniversary. A small figurine was a gift from a child. By the time people reach this stage of divorce, they are already emotionally spent. Dividing personal property can reopen grief in a very tangible way.

Below are some practical guidelines that consistently help people move through this part of the process with less conflict and less expense.

Start with realistic values

When dividing personal property in a divorce, courts generally value household items at garage sale value. That is a useful reality check.

Unless you own rare artwork, high-end antiques, or something truly unique, most household items have limited resale value. Emotional meaning can quietly inflate perceived worth, which makes agreement harder. When in doubt, ask a simple question: what would a neutral third party realistically pay for this item used?

Keeping values grounded helps keep conversations grounded.

Handle most items without lawyers

It rarely makes sense to involve attorneys in deciding who gets the couch, the coffee maker, or the bath mat. Legal fees add up quickly, and disputes over dividing personal property in a divorce can consume time and money out of proportion to their importance.

For high-value or unusual items, professional guidance can be appropriate. For most household property, people are better served handling it directly or with the help of a mediator or coach.

Create an inventory before dividing anything

Before decisions are made, it helps to know what actually exists.  In other words, it helps to define the pie before dividing the pie.

Some people prefer a written list. Others find it easier to walk through the home with a phone or camera and record each room. That record can then be used to create a list later. The method matters less than having a shared reference point.

When dividing personal property in a divorce, an inventory reduces suspicion and keeps the process organized.

Use a simple sorting system

One approach that works well for dividing personal property in a divorce is to sort items into clear categories:

  • Items one person will keep
  • Items the other person will keep
  • Items to sell and divide the proceeds
  • Items to donate or discard

Notice what is missing. There is no category for items people cannot agree on.

When agreement is impossible, selling or donating the item is often the cleanest solution. Another option is taking turns choosing disputed items until they are gone. For highly sentimental objects, some couples choose to pass them on to their children.

The goal is progress, not perfect fairness.

Make a plan for photos and videos

Photographs and videos deserve special care.

I often recommend setting a date when both people will make photos and videos from the marriage available to each other. Each person can then choose what they want duplicated. With current technology, scanning and digital copying are relatively easy and affordable. Sharing duplication costs evenly tends to feel fair.

This approach allows both people to preserve memories without turning them into bargaining chips.

Understand how the law treats pets

Many people are surprised to learn that, legally, pets are considered property. Courts generally have limited patience for extended pet disputes and may order outcomes that satisfy neither person.

Because of that reality, it is usually far better for people to work out pet arrangements themselves. Focus on the animal’s needs and daily life rather than ownership language. Doing so often leads to better outcomes for everyone involved.

Take extra care when safety is an issue

In cases involving domestic violence or restraining orders, dividing personal property requires additional planning.

Direct contact may not be appropriate or allowed. Attorneys, mediators, or agreed-upon third parties can help coordinate inventories and exchanges. Legal orders must be respected, even when emotions are high or items feel urgent.

Dividing personal property in a divorce isn’t worth compromising safety or violating court orders.

See the opportunity in the process

Many people eventually describe dividing personal property in a divorce as unexpectedly clarifying.

Letting go of objects tied to an old chapter can create space for something new. When the process is handled thoughtfully, it can feel less like a loss and more like a transition.

If the emotional weight becomes overwhelming, a divorce coach or neutral professional can provide support at a fraction of the cost of extended legal conflict.

Dividing personal property does not have to become another battleground. With patience, structure, and realistic expectations, most couples can move through it with minimal professional intervention.

At the end of the day, these are things. How you handle them will shape how much conflict you carry forward.ips to divide personal property, san diego divorce, san diego divorce attorney, Shawn Weber, san diego divorce mediator

Six Toxic Words to Ruin Your Mediation

Six Toxic Words to Ruin Your Mediation

by | Mar 24, 2023 | Uncategorized

When it comes to settling a conflict through the mediation process, you want to make sure every word you use is meaningful and purposeful. However, for those who are not familiar with the world of mediation, there are some words which can have a catastrophic effect on settlement possibilities. In this blog post we will take an in depth look at six “toxic” words commonly seen during Mediation proceedings so both clients and lawyers alike can avoid any potential mishaps along the way.

The power of words during mediation and why it’s important to watch what you say

Mediation can be a powerful force in resolving conflicts, but it also requires some finesse to get through. One of the most important things to consider when in a mediating situation is the power of words. What you say could serve as the foundation for an agreement, or hold enough weight to derail any progress made thus far. It’s essential to be aware of both the literal and figurative meanings of the words used during mediation because they can have a significant influence on how the case concludes. Thoughtful discourse and respectful communication are paramount to facilitate a successful negotiation.  Basically, make sure your words don’t end up doing more harm than good!

First Word – “Never” – Why this word can cause an impasse in a settlement

The word “never” when used in settlement negotiations is a surefire way to put an immediate stop to discussions. No matter what scenario or context, it is totally unproductive and it communicates a complete unwillingness to compromise. In fact, throwing the word out there during mediation could be viewed as a declaration of war.  By immediately setting an adversarial tone, “never” will do little more than send both parties back to square one.

Yes, sometimes negotiations require a firm stance. But, stepping away from the table with hardline terms like “never” achieves nothing. Let’s try leaving such inflammatory language at the door and work together for a positive outcome. 

Second Word – “Can’t” – Why this simple word can shut down negotiation progress

“Can’t” is a deceptively powerful word! We often think of it as a harmless negation – an easy refusal, or a way to retreat from an uncomfortable situation. In the context of settling a case through mediation, however, “can’t” carries a nasty burden. By simply saying “I can’t”, a party can give an impression they are unwilling to go any further in negotiation.  Such a conclusion could easily be the death knell for any chance of resolution.

In contrast, choose phrases to build toward mutually beneficial negotiations,   Phrases such as “let me investigate that further” or “let me discuss this with my team” communicates a person may not be thrilled with a proposal, but leaves open the possibility of progress. Remember – when it comes to mediation, “can’t” can cost you!

Third Word – “Contingency” – How using conditions hinders success

When mediating, it’s important to keep an open mind and avoid placing conditions on the desired outcome. The word “contingency” is especially discouraged for this reason. Even if two parties theoretically agree during mediation, introducing expectations or contingencies can break any already formed agreement. After all, in an ideal world the goal of a negotiation would be to come to one clear compromise, not several small ones all attached with individual strings! Ensuring there is no hidden agenda or “if-then” policies will guarantee that everyone is on an even playing field and working towards one common goal – settling a case.

Fourth Word – “Fair” – Why “Fair” is the F-word.

When it comes to mediation, “fair” is the F-word because all too often, both parties focus only on what is fair for them instead of looking for solutions. This idea of fairness is subjective and can create roadblocks in reaching agreements that benefit everyone.

Instead of focusing on “fair”, turn to negotiation skills and compromise.  This will take you much further than the debate about who deserves what. Aiming for a good business decision you can live will take you much farther than focusing on what is or is not fair.  After all, when two parties work together to create an outcome that is good for both sides, everybody wins.

Fifth Word – “Fault” – assigning blame is a recipe for disengagement

The fifth word to avoid in attempted case resolution through mediation is “fault”. In the quest for peace and agreement between parties, pointing the finger will earn little progress. All too often, attempts at assigning blame only serve to destroy the chances of each side getting what they want in a peaceful manner. It’s important for successful negotiation to keep blame out of the equation.  It’s a recipe for disengagement that won’t yield good results!

Sixth Word – “Should” – Why the tyranny of the “shoulds” can destroy progress

When it comes to settling a case during mediation, the word “should” is often like an uninvited party crasher – it can derail progress and throw a wrench into negotiations. By putting expectations on the other person or making one side feel their choice is wrong, the guilt of a “should” can create tension and damage any idea of compromise. Committing to the tyranny of shoulds can render both parties unable to move beyond limited thinking and prevents creative solutions. As such, it’s wise counsel to avoid “should” while mediating; unless, of course, you like adding fuel to an already tense situation!

The Six Toxic Words to Destroy Your Negotiation

  • Never
  • Can’t
  • Contingency
  • Fair
  • Fault
  • Should

"Stressed

"Need

Remember, there is no such thing as impasse in mediation! When you are stuck, it doesn’t mean you storm away from the table and declare a failure. It just means you and your mediation team haven’t found the right proposal yet.

"Download

Here’s a great little cheat sheet you can use during negotiations to become a pro at negotiating. Follow the tips on this sheet and make specific and plausible proposals based on rational evaluation rather than emotions.

Read also:

Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations

“I can’t believe you asked for that!”: Dealing with insulting proposals in divorce negotiations

Practice Tips: Ways Attorneys Can Participate in Mediation

Conclusion

As the ability for parties to reach a settlement often lies in the hands of what is said, the six toxic words explored in this post are ones that should be watched out for if you want to stay on track during a mediation. Although finding the right combination of words is challenging, avoiding these six particular words will help ensure successful negotiations during mediation and a positive outcome.

Know any other toxic words?

These aren’t the only toxic words which can ruin a mediation.  Which ones can you identify?  Share your toxic words and phrases in the comments!

What Does Alternative Dispute Resolution Mean?

by | Jul 13, 2017 | Uncategorized

The term “alternative dispute resolution” (or “ADR”) is often used to describe conflict resolution without going to court.

If you find yourself facing a family law matter, you might first ask, “How do I avoid going to court?”   Parties can use ADR for any family law issue, whether it’s a divorce, child custody dispute, or support issues.  But, there is a lot of confusion about what ADR practice actually entails.  Professionals and parties alike often use words like “mediation,” “arbitration,” and “private judging” interchangeably.  However, these terms could not be more different.

The main theme of all of these alternative dispute resolution options is that the mediator, arbitrator, or private judge acts as a neutral.  They are not there to advocate for or legally advise either party.  Rather, they are there to get the parties to a resolution, or settlement.  However, the powers and abilities that they have depends entirely on which process you choose.

MEDIATION

Mediation is typically what most people think of when they think of staying out of court and reaching an agreement.  A mediator’s job is to help the parties communicate with each other so they reach an agreement themselves.  A mediator does not make any orders or decisions for the parties.  Rather, a mediator facilitates an effective dialogue between the parties.  Sometimes, a mediator might provide legal information about what the law says, but will never provide legal advice to either party.  Mediation allows parties to never go to court, because it is a private process outside of court.  Mediation is usually the most informal process of these three options.

You can utilize a mediator in a couple different ways:

Mediating with Just the Mediator and No Attorneys in the Room

You can work with the mediator exclusively to settle all of your issues.  The mediator has training to help resolve conflicts.  She can help you uncover areas where you agree and find solutions for areas where you do not. Because the mediator is a neutral, however, you are wise to consult with an attorney outside of the mediation sessions.

Mediated Settlement Conference with Attorneys Present

If you prefer to have your attorney present, you can schedule a neutral settlement conference with your mediator.  The mediator leads the discussion as neutral and your attorneys participate in the discussions.  This can be done in lieu of or in addition to litigation depending on the posture of your case.  Because your attorney is in the room during the negotiations, you can get your advice in real time during the meeting rather than having to schedule a later appointment with your advising lawyer.

ARBITRATION

Arbitration is similar to a trial at court.  However, the arbitrator is the one who makes the decision rather than a public judge.  Each side will present their case to the arbitrator.  They might use the same procedural tools as a court process might require, such as discovery and evidence.  An arbitrator then makes a decision based on each side’s case.  Arbitration takes place outside of court, and is usually more relaxed and informal than the courtroom.

Parties might choose arbitration because they want a private, third-party neutral to make a decision for them, but don’t want to set foot inside a courtroom.  There are two kinds of arbitration – either binding or non-binding.  Binding arbitration means that the arbitrator’s decision is final, and the parties must accept that decision.  However, non-binding arbitration means that if the parties disagree with the arbitrator’s decision, they can go back into court to have a judge decide.

PRIVATE JUDGING

Private judging is very similar to arbitration, except a private judge has the ability to make binding court orders the same way a public judge does.  With private judging, parties generally go through the same process as litigation.  This might include procedures like filing a motion at court, but a private judge would determine the case instead.

A private judge is usually much more accessible than a public judge.  This is because private judges are typically experienced family law attorneys, or retired former judges.  Their schedules tend to be more flexible than the impacted calendars of current sitting judges.  Private judges are also able to devote more focus to one case at a time.  With court, a matter may take several months before a court even has time to hear it.  Parties might choose private judging if they want to have the structure and formalities of litigation, but don’t want to go through the courtroom or deal with the wait times of the court’s calendar.

There are many different options for conflict resolution.  It’s important to know which one suits your personal situation best, as each process has its own pros and cons.  It’s a good idea to discuss your options with a knowledgeable family law attorney who is skilled with ADR practice.  He or she can help you navigate the intricacies of a family law matter, no matter which process you choose.

What Does Alternative Dispute Resolution Mean?

by | Jul 13, 2017 | Uncategorized

The term “alternative dispute resolution” (or “ADR”) is often used to describe conflict resolution without going to court.

If you find yourself facing a family law matter, you might first ask, “How do I avoid going to court?”   Parties can use ADR for any family law issue, whether it’s a divorce, child custody dispute, or support issues.  But, there is a lot of confusion about what ADR practice actually entails.  Professionals and parties alike often use words like “mediation,” “arbitration,” and “private judging” interchangeably.  However, these terms could not be more different.

The main theme of all of these alternative dispute resolution options is that the mediator, arbitrator, or private judge acts as a neutral.  They are not there to advocate for or legally advise either party.  Rather, they are there to get the parties to a resolution, or settlement.  However, the powers and abilities that they have depends entirely on which process you choose.

MEDIATION

Mediation is typically what most people think of when they think of staying out of court and reaching an agreement.  A mediator’s job is to help the parties communicate with each other so they reach an agreement themselves.  A mediator does not make any orders or decisions for the parties.  Rather, a mediator facilitates an effective dialogue between the parties.  Sometimes, a mediator might provide legal information about what the law says, but will never provide legal advice to either party.  Mediation allows parties to never go to court, because it is a private process outside of court.  Mediation is usually the most informal process of these three options.

You can utilize a mediator in a couple different ways:

Mediating with Just the Mediator and No Attorneys in the Room

You can work with the mediator exclusively to settle all of your issues.  The mediator has training to help resolve conflicts.  She can help you uncover areas where you agree and find solutions for areas where you do not. Because the mediator is a neutral, however, you are wise to consult with an attorney outside of the mediation sessions.

Mediated Settlement Conference with Attorneys Present

If you prefer to have your attorney present, you can schedule a neutral settlement conference with your mediator.  The mediator leads the discussion as neutral and your attorneys participate in the discussions.  This can be done in lieu of or in addition to litigation depending on the posture of your case.  Because your attorney is in the room during the negotiations, you can get your advice in real time during the meeting rather than having to schedule a later appointment with your advising lawyer.

ARBITRATION

Arbitration is similar to a trial at court.  However, the arbitrator is the one who makes the decision rather than a public judge.  Each side will present their case to the arbitrator.  They might use the same procedural tools as a court process might require, such as discovery and evidence.  An arbitrator then makes a decision based on each side’s case.  Arbitration takes place outside of court, and is usually more relaxed and informal than the courtroom.

Parties might choose arbitration because they want a private, third-party neutral to make a decision for them, but don’t want to set foot inside a courtroom.  There are two kinds of arbitration – either binding or non-binding.  Binding arbitration means that the arbitrator’s decision is final, and the parties must accept that decision.  However, non-binding arbitration means that if the parties disagree with the arbitrator’s decision, they can go back into court to have a judge decide.

PRIVATE JUDGING

Private judging is very similar to arbitration, except a private judge has the ability to make binding court orders the same way a public judge does.  With private judging, parties generally go through the same process as litigation.  This might include procedures like filing a motion at court, but a private judge would determine the case instead.

A private judge is usually much more accessible than a public judge.  This is because private judges are typically experienced family law attorneys, or retired former judges.  Their schedules tend to be more flexible than the impacted calendars of current sitting judges.  Private judges are also able to devote more focus to one case at a time.  With court, a matter may take several months before a court even has time to hear it.  Parties might choose private judging if they want to have the structure and formalities of litigation, but don’t want to go through the courtroom or deal with the wait times of the court’s calendar.

There are many different options for conflict resolution.  It’s important to know which one suits your personal situation best, as each process has its own pros and cons.  It’s a good idea to discuss your options with a knowledgeable family law attorney who is skilled with ADR practice.  He or she can help you navigate the intricacies of a family law matter, no matter which process you choose.

How can we divide personal property without going crazy?

by | Jan 1, 2016 | Uncategorized

Sometimes it is most difficult in divorce cases to divide personal property -the “stuff” accumulated over the years of a relationship. When people share their lives with each other, they also share and accumulate a lot of personal property. Sometimes the task of dividing the household furniture, furnishings and appliances can be a real struggle. Not only can it be difficult to physically divide and value the assets, it can be a real emotional rollercoaster.

I mediated for a divorcing couple recently, who had their most difficult struggles dividing the pots, pans, furniture, washer, dryer, stereo and those little knick-knacks they picked up at the swap meet over the years. Worse they were on the “pack rat” side of things so they accumulated a lot of things together. Each item represented something important. One piece of artwork reminded them of their romantic vacation in Mexico. The silver they had purchased together to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The little statuette on the mantel was a gift from their child. All through the house they saw many symbols of their relationship and all that they had invested in each other. As a result, a task to divide personal property was extremely painful.

Here are some tips to help you divide personal property:

Understand that the court would only award a household asset at garage sale value.

divorce, personal property, divide personal property, san diego divorce attorneyUnless it is a Steinway Grand Piano or a rare piece of artwork, the chances are high that your stuff is not worth nearly what you may think. While you are looking at the values of things, think of what you would, as an objective outsider, pay for the item at a garage sale or a flea market. Be careful not to allow emotions to “inflate” in your mind the value of the flatware or the coffee maker. Yes we know that the teddy bear collection is absolutely adorable, but honestly, what would a third person really want to pay for it. Use common sense and don’t allow your emotions to cloud things for you when you divide personal property.

Do it yourself.

It is really not cost effective to pay your attorney $300 plus per hour to fight about who gets which couch or who gets the bath mat. If it’s a high dollar asset such as expensive artwork or collectable antiques, you may want to use your professionals. But, for most things it makes more sense to save the money and do it yourself.

Do an inventory first.

It’s a good idea early in the process and before you start dividing things to make a list. If time is a problem, I often recommend going through the house with a video camera and speaking about each item as you tape. You can then go make your list later.

Make a list to divide personal property.

In fact, make several lists. I suggest four columns. Column 1 means he gets it. Column 2 means she gets it. Sell everything you list in column three and divide what money you get equally. Column 4 is for those things in your closet to throw away or donate like the polyester suit in the closet, your old beta video tapes or the pile of Louis L’Amour novels that you haven’t read in twenty years. Notice, I am not including a list for items about which you cannot agree. I am a big believer in using the old Solomon method. If you can’t agree on who gets it, then sell it or donate it. You simply can’t afford, for most items, to spend the time arguing and spending money on your attorneys. One idea, if you are stuck, is to just take turns picking items you can’t agree on until they are gone. Another idea is to give extremely sentimental items as gifts to your children.

Make a plan for photographs and videos.

I recommend that you choose a date when each of you will make photographs and videos taken during the marriage available to the other. The person making the photograph or video available will allow the other to choose which ones he or she would like to duplicate. There are services available that can duplicate photographs and even restore some of them for you for a reasonable fee. You can also convert your old vhs to digital so that you both can keep a copy of your videotapes with yourselves. With today’s computers, scanners and printers, you might be able to do a lot of this yourselves. Each of you should share equally in the duplication costs.

Pets, according to the law, are property.

I have had many clients tell me how their pets have become nearly as important to them as children. They are often surprised to learn that the court deals with them not as living things so much as property. Few courts will entertain a pet “custody battle.” Remember, a court has the ability to truly play Solomon with your pets and order them sold. I advise parties to do everything they can to work it out relating to the pets. Do everything possible to consider your pets’ needs and do what is best for them rather than allowing them to become an issue of property division.

Be careful if there is a history of domestic violence.

In cases where there has been domestic violence, sometimes it is difficult to sit together and divide personal property. In such instances, it is probably advisable to go ahead and use your attorney as at least a go between. Naturally, if there are restraining orders in place, it would be impossible to meet face to face. But the same ideas described above apply. It is just you will need to make arrangements to inventory the house without the other being present and with proper legal arrangements. Don’t violate a restraining order just to get some stuff out of the house.

I have had many clients tell me that the process of dividing the personal items was a healthy cleansing process.

One client told me, it was nice to get rid of some of our old, useless stuff and start over for a fresh, clean break. If even after following these steps, a couple still finds it difficult emotionally, I recommend making use of a divorce coach, who can even come to your home while you do the division. Typically using a single divorce coach is much more cost effective than using your attorneys to divide household items.

If both parties approach the task to divide personal property with a fair, patient and open mind they will likely be successful in doing the division with little to no attorney intervention. The court’s are particularly happy when parties can reach agreements on their own. Parties should be careful not to allow the division of things bring unnecessary conflict. Remember, they are just things and not people.

tips to divide personal property, san diego divorce, san diego divorce attorney, Shawn Weber, san diego divorce mediator