Lawyers and mediators may work in the same neighborhood, but let’s be honest, we don’t always speak the same language. I say that as someone who’s been on both sides of the table. Some of my best friends are lawyers. Heck, I am one. Still, after years in the trenches, I’ve noticed we often talk past each other.

A good lawyer knows how to spot risk and protect the client while pushing for an edge without crossing the line. That balance takes judgment and a clear head. A good mediator is different. The mediator stays steady in the storm and helps people find a way out of the mess. These are two very different jobs. When lawyers show up to mediation expecting a courtroom battle, or mediators expect lawyers to just drop their advocacy hats, nobody wins. Everyone leaves annoyed.

I really want to improve mediation for lawyers (and for me and my clients). So, here’s my wish list of things I wish every lawyer knew about mediation and their role in it.

Let’s clear up a big myth right out of the gate: mediation isn’t just negotiation with a new name tag.

Mediation for lawyers isn’t just another round of hardball bargaining. It’s a process that takes people from venting and drama to facts and understanding, and (if we’re lucky) to a real solution. If you treat it like a street fight, you’ll miss the whole point.

Most clients show up to mediation because they’re worn out from fighting. They want a place to be heard and to keep their dignity intact. If a lawyer storms in ready for battle, that safe space disappears in a flash. Sure, the client might feel good for a minute having a gladiator in their corner, but the fallout can last for years.

Good lawyers know how to read the room. The mediator’s office is not a courtroom. It is closer to a hospital. Everyone is already bleeding, at least a little.

We are not your opponent—and we are not the judge.

Mediators are neutral. Our job is not to trick, trap, or favor anyone. We do not make rulings, decide who is right, or hand out victories.

So, you don’t need to argue your case like you’re in front of a judge. I don’t need your closing argument or a play-by-play on how you’ll crush the other side. And please, spare me the rant about how terrible the other lawyer or client is. None of that gets us any closer to peace.

In mediation, the only story that counts is the one that helps both people see a way forward. Once lawyers realize the mediator isn’t their rival or the judge, everyone relaxes and breathes easier. The work starts to move.

If I push back, it’s not because I’m taking sides. I’m just stress-testing the deal. I want to make sure your client can live with it six months down the road, when the dust settles.

Preparation also deserves attention: it is an act of kindness.

Mediation is only as good as the prep work behind it. I’ve seen lawyers walk into the first session with no clue about the numbers, no idea what their client can or can’t handle emotionally, and no plan except, “Let’s wing it.” That’s not advocacy. That’s just making it up as you go.  Frankly, it’s unethical, incompetent representation.

When working with mediators, I wish more lawyers would help clients figure out what really matters before their session. Not just, “How much do you want?” but, “What are you willing to give up, put up with, or let go of to get some peace?” When you know those answers, your client’s voice is much more credible.

You don’t need to present a multi-volume treatise on why your client is awesome. You need clarity. A client who knows what they want is a client with real power.

Mediation for lawyers is not always about winning.

Law school teaches us to win at all costs. Mediation flips that idea on its head. Winning here means helping people turn the page and find peace they can live with.

That doesn’t mean you stop being an advocate. It just means you do it differently. Instead of trying to win over a judge, you help your client get to yes with a good business decision.

I’ve seen some truly great lawyers who just get this. They use their influence to calm things down, not stir the pot. They know when to step in and when to let the client take the lead. Those are the lawyers clients remember with gratitude, not resentment.

When working with mediators, please help your client own the agreement.

When the ink dries on a settlement, the client should feel like it’s their deal instead of something their lawyer or the mediator pushed them into.

If you’re advising from the sidelines, try being a guide, not a gatekeeper. Ask questions. Challenge assumptions. But don’t rewrite the whole deal. Clients need to stand on their own two feet by the end of their mediation.

One of the best compliments I can give a lawyer is, “Your client stayed empowered.” If I can say that, you nailed it.

Your presence matters more than your words.

Mediation rooms are emotional minefields. Clients notice every sigh, every eye roll, every sideways glance. If you look impatient, dismissive, or bored, they’ll take it as a sign you disapprove. That can wipe out hours of progress in seconds.

When lawyers bring calm and professionalism into the room, it changes everything. You don’t have to say much, and you certainly don’t need to give a big speech. Sometimes, just sitting back with quiet confidence helps the client relax. The best mediations end with a deep breath and a quiet nod.

The best lawyers make the mediator’s job easier.

I have a lot of respect for lawyers who get that mediation is a team sport. They know when to talk, when to listen, and when to let silence do the heavy lifting. They help the process instead of trying to run the show.

These lawyers know their credibility is their best asset. When they talk, people listen—because they’re solid, informed, and decent.

If you’re that kind of lawyer, mediators love working with you. You make it possible for us to do our jobs. More importantly, you help families move forward in peace instead of bitterness.

The bottom line

Mediation depends on good lawyers working with mediators. When they understand the process, everything runs smoother. They bring structure, stability, and a sense that the work is going somewhere real.

Mediators long for you to shift your role from fighter to builder. We value your advocacy. Just aim it at lasting peace.

To me, that’s what real mastery looks like.