What Should I Wear to Court?
Here’s a great article on another blog with suggestions for what clients should wear to court. I recommend it!
Judge has harsh words for Mom before sentencing her for spanking her kid
Judge has harsh words for Mom before sentencing her for spanking her kid
See this article about a Texan judged who sentenced a mother for felony abuse charges after she spanked her child. Note, she did not use a belt or leave any bruises, just some red marks.
Judge Jose Longoria said, “You don’t spank children today.”
It seems that more and more courts are taking a strong stance against spankings. I am not sure I agree with such a hardline, but we are certainly seeing more and more bannings of corporal punishment in our family law cases in San Diego.
What do you think? Is spanking inappropriate all the time or are there times when spanking is ok?
Why I absolutely love Collaborative Practice for Resolving Divorce Cases.
Collaborative Practice offers the promise of peaceful negotiation with maximum professional support.
I have been involved in matrimonial law most of my career. I have seen some pretty awful stuff. People come to my office at the worst time of their lives: a family in pain; lovers betrayed. As the family is the very heart of our existence and interaction as men and women, the demise of a marriage thrusts real, honest people into some of the deepest and most exquisite pain we humans are capable of experiencing. Divorce professionals, for better or for worse, are given a front row seat to such sorrow and tragedy. We go through a lot of tissue. I have seen a coffee cup thrown across a room. I have seen strong, grown men cry. I have seen suicide attempts and suicide successes.
I have seen the serious collateral damage that a divorce war can inflict on the most innocent – children. I witnessed divorces that were so acrimonious in their conflict that the children of the marriage were literally destroyed by the drug and alcohol addiction that so often accompanies children of divorce, and they had to eventually be admitted into Rehab centers like Arista Recovery (https://www.aristarecovery.com/) to overcome their addiction phase.
Early in my career, I enjoyed the thrill of a battle in court. Litigation can be intoxicating for an attorney. I experienced the adrenaline rush of a nasty phone call to an opposing counsel, the delivery of a strongly worded letter on attorneys’ stationary and the excitement of combat in the court room. It is easy to allow oneself to get caught up in the warfare and become a part of the problem rather than a guide to a solution. In law school we are taught to be “zealous advocates” for our clients. The problem, however, is that in our zeal, we often overlook and destroy our client’s most important asset – the family relationships. Furthermore, “zeal” with its weaponry of formal discovery, motions, court work and general nastiness can deplete the family finances in such an extreme way that our clients are left bankrupt. Sometimes I feel like some attorneys are more zealous advocates of collecting more fees than they are of doing what is best for the client. It is actually called the “adversarial process” in that parties are purposely pitted against one another. Surely, encouraging couples to be adversarial rather than constructive and mutual when discussing delicate issues like parenting is terrible for a family. Don’t get me wrong, some cases require a court battle. However, the vast majority do not.
I have since recovered from the mindset that everything must be scorched earth. Towards the beginning of my career I did mediation, which was a great way to keep folks out of court and focus on solutions. The limitations of mediation, however, are that the parties don’t often have the support of advising attorneys in the room. As a neutral mediator, I am unable to advise what is in a party’s best interests. I can’t protect the interests of my clients. I always recommend that clients seek independent legal advice, but it is hard sometimes, if the attorney is not in the room. On the other side of the same coin, some advising attorneys misunderstand their role and drive what could otherwise be a simple mediated case into litigation.
In Collaborative Practice, however, the parties and their attorneys jointly sign an agreement that they will not be going to court. The agreement further stipulates that should either party choose to litigate, both attorneys are disqualified from participating. This frees the attorney from having to posture with every meeting. If the attorneys are not constantly concerned that they will have to litigate every issue, they are freed to focus on solutions rather than looking for more conflict. The attorneys’ roles switch from zealous advocates to “legal educators” and “counselors at law”. The power shifts away from the attorneys to the parties. The parties decide what the agreement will be and the attorneys merely provide advice regarding the law.
Additionally, the parties can bring in additional professionals to work on their Collaborative Practice team. Mental health professionals can be utilized as divorce coaches or child specialists to assist with the hugely emotional issues in every divorce case. A neutral financial professional can be brought in to assist the parties with understanding the money issues and for planning for the future. As an attorney, I am then relieved of the burden of having to act (incompetently) as an emotional support, child custody expert or as a financial guide. Often these additional professionals will have a lower billing rate than the attorneys so tremendous economies of scale can be achieved. You pay money to the people most qualified to give the particular service.
I enjoy Collaborative Practice as a human being as well. It is wonderful to work with a 
couple to transition their family in the least destructive manner possible. I love collaborating with professionals from other disciplines to help the family find the very best solutions for their situation. Collaborative Practice is much more mutually respectful, civil, child-centered and humane than traditional litigation. Although divorce is always painful no matter which model of dispute resolution is used, couples can leave the collaborative divorce process feeling good about their futures and knowing that they found constructive solutions for their families.
For more information about Collaborative Practice, contact Shawn Weber for a consultation at 858-410-0144 or view:
https://weberdisputeresolution.com/explore-our-services/collaborative-divorce/
https://weberdisputeresolution.com/collaborative-divorce-a-safe-place/
See also:
Collaborative Practice California
Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego
International Academy of Collaborative Professionals
collaborative practice, san diego divorce attorney, collaborative divorce, solana beach divorce attorney, Shawn Weber
Will He Let You Move?
Good article with tough questions about move-away cases. I note that in California, it has gotten a lot harder for a primary parent to move than it was a few years ago. I am involved in a case right now where the primary question is the detriment issue. I feel bad for judges that have to decide these tough cases.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost
Top 6 Tips for Dads in a Custody Battle: How to Put Your Kids First.
By Shawn Weber, Esq.
I frequently tell my clients that custody battles are best approached by telling a story. The judge is a human being who is affected by a story. Whichever party tells the best story at court typically does better. The problem for a lot of men is that there are stereotypes that can tell the story for them before they get a chance—even if that stereotype is wrong. For instance, many working fathers are seen as uninvolved in day-to-day parenting. Fathers who stay home with the kids are often perceived culturally as lazy and not contributing, even though they may be contributing just as much as a mother in the same role. Unfortunately, many dads just give up and don’t bother trying to tell the story. Dads who put forth an effort to articulate the narrative that they are involved parents do better. Here are some thoughts:
1. Don’t be “Disneyland Dad”. A common misconception about dads is that they only care about having fun with the kids. They take the kids on their visitation days to Disneyland or Sea World. Their evenings with the kids are spent playing video games or just eating pizza. While I am certainly an advocate of having fun, a dad can’t allow play to be the only interaction time he has with his kids. Rather, a dad should spend a significant amount of time parenting his kids in addition to playing. That means spending time with chores or homework. It means staying home when the kids are sick and being involved in appropriate discipline.
2. Be involved. Another problem with the stereotypical narrative is that dad’s are rarely seen as involved in the kids’ activities, school and medical care as the mom. Men can do a lot to overcome this assumption. First, dads need to make sure that they are involved in the medical and emotional care of the child. Dad should be at the doctor appointments as much as mom. Fathers should make sure they attend parent teacher conferences. Another good tip is to be involved in athletics with the child as a coach or team supporter. All too often, dads cede these responsibilities to mom to the detriment of their custody case.
3. Be responsible. I had a female client come to my office complaining that the father of her two children was irresponsible. “The problem in our marriage,” she said, “was that I had to take care of three children.” You can imagine how that narrative then translates in a custody battle. The mother often (and perhaps rightly) observes, “How can my ex-husband expect to step up and help take care of the kids when he can’t even take care of himself.” What is the lesson for men? Be responsible. This means pay support on time. Be on time for pick-up and drop-off of the kids. Remember your children’s birthdays. Attend parent teacher conferences. Remember your kids’ special events and show up without being prompted by the other parent. Make sure your kids take their medicine when they should and have a healthy diet when they are with you. Take care of bath time and get the kids to bed on time.
Additionally, a responsible father will help his child be responsible. Help your kids get their homework completed during your custodial time. Don’t ever get into a situation where the mom can correctly observe that the kids never get their homework done when they are with you.
4. Set boundaries with the other parent. Make sure that your rights as a joint legal custodian are respected. With the help of your attorney or mental health professionals, set clear boundaries about your co-parenting with the other parent and then keep to them. When a boundary is crossed, make sure the other parent is gently reminded. If the behavior continues, do not hesitate to involve your attorney.
5. Don’t overreact. Another mistake men make is that they overreact to little things. You don’t need to escalate your custody case to World War Three over something small. I had a client call the police anytime he felt slighted or called CPS anytime his kid came from the other parent with a scuffed knee. You can imagine how little this did to promote his image with the court as a reasonable parent.
6. Take the high road and be patient. Custody battles are won over time. Rarely is the final decision on parenting made at the first hearing. Rather this is a long process that can last for years. If you are the kind of dad who worked a lot while the other parent stayed home and cared for the children, you should not expect to have a 50/50 custody arrangement right away. Instead, you have to work up to it by showing that you are equally as important and involved of a parent as the mom.
Additionally, the other party will often overreach and make mistakes in proper co-parenting. You need to be ready to capitalize on those mistakes. The way to do that is to make sure you “take the high road.” That means that even though the other party may engage in harmful and inappropriate behavior regarding the children, you make sure that your behavior is above board all of the time. Show that you are the adult in the situation. The California courts prefer the parent who is more likely to foster an affectionate relationship between the children and the other parent. You need to be that parent.
Again, the person with the best story will win. Where fathers get into trouble is in not stepping up as a good, responsible, involved parent. You need to understand what judges are looking for in a good co-parent and then play that role. Not only is it good for your kids, but it shows that you are equally important as a parent. Your attorney can be brilliant in court, but if you are not helping him by playing a serious part in the parenting, you will lose. On the other hand, you will do well if you step up and play your part. Be the parent that the court wants you to be: responsible, reasonable and affectionate.
