Many folks express a desire to keep the house in the divorce.
This is usually done by buying out the other party’s interest in the residence. This involves not only paying off the former spouse for his or her half of the equity, but usually involves a refinance to move the mortgage into your name only. While keeping the house may sound like what you want, it is very often a poor decision. It won’t be helpful to make yourself house poor to keep the house. Here are some points to consider when considering whether it’s a good idea to keep the residence or not:
To keep the house in the divorce is probably not about the kids.
While you may be thinking that the kids will need you to keep the house in the divorce, the reality is that it is often not true that a move will harm the children. Surely the kids won’t benefit if you put yourself into bankruptcy. Be careful that your thoughts and emotions are clear so that you are not allowing your own emotions and insecurities to cloud your judgment.
Don’t give away your retirement to keep the house in the divorce.
People will often try to find money in their retirement assets to trade for the residence buyout. While retirement may seem far away, it may be closer than your realize. Think twice about raiding your retirement. You won’t be able to enjoy your real estate in your old age if you can’t retire. Therefore, do not overdo it when it comes to keeping the house in the divorce. It may deplete your current savings.
Consider costs of sale.
If you sell your house as part of the divorce proceeding, you will be able to split the costs of the sale. In the event you do a buy-out, you will be stuck with the entire burden of costs of sale should you choose to sell later. The Courts rarely give a credit to the person keeping the residence for potential costs of sale. Additionally, there are usually substantial points and fees required for a refinance.
Consider your cash flow.
Remember, owning a house costs money. Make sure after support, you have sufficient cash flow to maintain the residence, mortgage, property taxes, maintenance, HOA fees, etc. You don’t want to be in a situation where you are cash poor and unable to pay your bills.
Talk to a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA)
Don’t rely on your lawyer for financial advice in making the important decision of whether to keep the house. You may find that it makes perfect sense to keep it, but make sure that you receive advice to help you plan for how you will do and how you will make keeping the house part of an overall strategy for your future. Hire a financial professional to get the best advice you can.
Many of my clients do choose to keep the house in the divorce. I feel better about those clients who consider the question carefully and weigh all of the relevant information before making a choice.
I will often receive a call from a potential client interested in a San Diego divorce mediation, but who is a little apprehensive because their spouse has had a history of coercion, manipulation and bullying. The question then arises as to whether mediation is really the appropriate venue to resolve the case. Many of my peers may disagree with me, but a good mediator can successfully resolve almost any case. Here are some points to consider for a successful divorce mediation when your spouse is a bully:
Check to make sure you have a well-trained mediator.
Mediating a case where there is a history of coercion or manipulation is advanced work and not for the faint of heart. You need to make sure that your mediator has the skill, background and personality to ensure a level playing field. It may be a good idea to bring up your concerns in a caucus session so that the mediator is aware.
Make sure you consult with an attorney.
Mediation is actually without risk because the mediator makes no decisions in your case. She can only help facilitate the discussion. Nothing becomes binding until you sign the marital settlement agreement. You would be wise, however, to work with advising counsel throughout the mediation process. Come to mediation sessions armed with knowledge of your rights and what the law may or may not provide. Under no circumstances should you ever feel pressure to sign any documents without first having had the opportunity to review it with your attorney. If you continue to feel uncomfortable, you may want your attorney to attend mediation with you.
Consider hiring a divorce coach or a therapist.
You need to bring your best self to the mediation sessions. To avoid falling into the same old patterns where you may have been manipulated or coerced in the past, it is wise to meet with a mental health professional knowledgable in divorce issues to prepare you for the sessions so that you can avoid getting your buttons pushed. You can find divorce coaches by looking up your local Collaborative Practice group. In San Diego, you can go here: http://www.collaborativefamilylawsandiego.com.
Demand Full Financial Disclosure.
In successful mediation, disclosure is essential. Make no decisions without having had the opportunity to thoroughly review all material financial information. A financial disclosure should also include back-up statements and documents. Like in the cold war, it’s “Trust but Verify.” You may consider having a financial professional such as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) review the disclosures to uncover any “red flags” deserving additional investigation.
Stand Your Ground.
Bullies often bluster and threaten. More often than not, the threats are empty. If you prepare yourself, you need not be intimidated. Often times, abusive relationship involve a sort of abuse dance. You don’t have to dance anymore. You are getting divorced. You are intelligent. You are certainly not stupid. Stand on your own two feet and rely on your support system to be strong.
If there is physical intimate partner violence, think twice.
It is one thing to be a bit of a blowhard and a verbal bully. It’s entirely different when the situation involved physical violence. Do not trifle with domestic violence. If that is happening, mediation is very difficult. However, even in such situations, mediation can be appropriate with safeguards in place. For instance, you can be in separate rooms at all times or you can demand anger management counseling. In any case, make sure you have trained professionals who know what they are doing. If for one moment, you do not feel safe, you can withdraw. However, as a general rule, physical intimate partner violence presents a huge red flag.
San Diego Divorce Mediation, San Diego Divorce Mediator, San Diego Divorce Mediation, Solana Beach, Shawn Weber, San Diego Divorce Attorney
Sometimes a divorce or family law case can be like a perfect storm. The fissile material of fear, hurt and anger can lead people to make terrible choices as they navigate a very difficult legal process. This video offers tips on how to reduce reactivity in divorce to help encourage a peaceful, cost-effective and amicable divorce.
Peace and harmony are not prerequisites for divorce mediation.
Some people believe that a prerequisite for consensual dispute resolution options like Divorce Mediation or Collaborative Practice is that the parties have to get along or trust each other. That is simply not the case!
A good divorce mediator or collaborative practitioner knows how to get to the heart of the issues even when there is significant conflict. We consensual dispute resolution (CDR) professionals understand that people need our services when there is a dispute to resolve. Conflict is an inherent part of dispute resolution.
CDR professionals are not afraid of conflict.
They have training to get to the heart of what is keeping you from settling. I call these “fault lines”. A significant part of my work with couples in divorce mediation is taking the time to really listen and understand where the fault lines are and what is causing them. That way I can help.
With divorcing couples, I never just expect things to be easy. After all, you are divorcing for a reason. Surely things up until now have not been all butterflies and rainbows.
My mission is to bring humanity to legal situations to clarify the dynamics of each unique situation in a manner that reveals options for settlement, preserves the long-term interest of the family, and empowers the individual client. I have a profound ability to get into the world my clients are experiencing and feeling to uncover the necessary clarity in each divorce relationship dynamic. From there, I can use my gifts to bring a sense of calm, resolve and hope that could never be reached in adversarial litigation.
So, I take time. I listen – carefully. I try to help bridge the gaps. It’s often quite emotional. It’s only rarely easy. But, if the parties work hard to stretch to find a settlement, I can usually help.
If you are having trouble getting along, don’t let that stop you. There are few cases that must go to court. It’s my job to get you past the conflict and help you find peace for you and your family.
