by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 17, 2015 | Uncategorized
Do you want to give your kids a voice?
Issues involving kids and divorce can be tricky. One of the great things about using consensual dispute resolution options like Mediation and Collaborative Practice in your California divorce is that you can give your kids more of a say in how the parenting plan will turn out. This is not to say that you leave the decisions to the kids. It does, however, mean you can hear their voices, which can mean a lot to them, especially if they are old enough to thoughtfully express their preferences. Of course, they will probably want their parents to stay together, but it’s important to hear their opinions. Once they’ve said their thoughts, you can then explain to them that divorce is the best option for all of you. This situation could be eased even more by contacting a castle rock family lawyer to make the situation easier for the child. A family lawyer will be able to navigate the situation in the best way possible for the child, ensuring that they understand the situation.
Not all kids should be given the same level of input. How much you let your kids sway your decision making is up to you. You will want to consider such factors as the child’s maturity level, age, ability to articulate and emotional needs. But if you decide that giving the kids a voice is what you want to do in your family, here are some tips.
Let Your Divorce Mediator Talk to the Kids.
With kids and divorce, it is important to give children a voice. As a mediator, sometimes I will talk to the kids. I only do it if both parents agree that it will be appropriate. Importantly, I never ask the kids, “Where do you want to live.” And speaking of living situations, I always advise that the divorcee that they should never tell him where you live (by him, I mean the ex-husband). It’s for safety reasons. Anyway back to the kids, I will give them the chance in a non-threatening environment to say what is important to them. Writing their responses on a whiteboard and then, with their permission, I boil their thoughts down into a report to share with the parents.
It’s amazing what useful clues I can learn from the kids. In one case, the teenage kids told me that they worry their father will die from his alcohol abuse. In another situation, an over-scheduled child shared that he felt it was hard to relax because of his very busy schedule. He said that he had a hard time “just being a kid.”
Another child volunteered that his complex and confusing parenting schedule made it difficult to adjust to the move from one house to another. As a result, he felt his grades suffering. He expressed that because he was bouncing back and forth so often, he didn’t ever have time to feel at home in either household.
Before I talk to a child, I will get a release to speak to the child’s therapist if available. This gives me the insight to ensure that I spend time with the child appropriately given the child’s emotional circumstances.
Have a Joint Session with Parents and Therapist.
Another option for kids and divorce is to allow the child to articulate her feelings in a joint session with a therapist and parents. The therapist can help everyone find ways to work together for the good of the child. You can also trust that a mental health professional will take care to prevent the talk from becoming inappropriate. It can be a safe way to promote healthy dialogue and to appropriately empower your child.
With Kids and Divorce, Use a Collaborative Child Specialist.
In Collaborative Practice, we use neutral child specialists to make sure that the parenting plan will protect the child’s needs. The child specialist is a mental health professional experienced in helping kids through a divorce. In essence, the child specialist becomes an advocate for the child’s needs.
In the Collaborative Practice model, the work is confidential. As a result, it cannot be used later in court. Everyone can trust that they can be open and frank while working towards solutions. Children in divorce often tell parents what the parents want to hear and not necessarily how the children really feel. But kids will open up to a child specialist, giving her the ability to articulate the children’s unvarnished needs and worries. I have often used neutral child specialists even outside of Collaborative Practice. In my humble opinion, it never hurts to give kids an advocate. Using a trained child specialist is often the perfect solution.
Summary
There are many ways to give your kids a voice. These are just three. While it is generally not a good plan to let the kids feel like they are in charge, it never hurts to give them an opportunity to be heard. You may be surprised what your kids can teach you as you go through your divorce. Often the kids are ahead of the parents in dealing with the heartache and emotions of the split. Considering the kids’ needs and really, truly listening to their point of view can provide tremendous insight and great rewards. Most importantly, your kids will appreciate that you took the time to pay attention.
Read also:
Doing your Divorce with a Child Specialist: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/do-you-need-a-child-specialist-for-your-divorce/
Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/why-fair-is-the-f-word-in-divorce-negotiations/
Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/five-tips-to-have-a-miserable-divorce/
How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/divorce-mediation-cost/
Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/forgiveness-during-divorce/
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Mar 20, 2013 | Uncategorized
What Divorcing Parents Must Do When Spring Break and Teenagers Mix – Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego Blog http://ow.ly/jgowS
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Feb 13, 2013 | Uncategorized
The “Dolphin Lawyer” Shawn Weber
I was happy to make another appearance on the Real Estate Radio Hour on San Diego AM 1700 ESPN Radio. This time I was able to talk to hosts Ryan White and David McElveen about Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, deferred sale of the family residence and “nesting” where the kids get the house and the parents pack their bags instead of the kids. It’s a lot of fun to sit down with Ryan and David to talk about “Love and Real Estate” — especially right before Valentine’s Day!
Give it a listen and let me know what you think!
Here’s the link to the podcast: View in iTunes
Real Estate Radio 2013-02-12
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Jan 23, 2013 | Uncategorized
By Shawn Weber, CLS-F*
It is possible to get what is called a “deferred sale of home order”. California Family Code section 3800(b) provides for this option as follows:
‘Deferred sale of home order’ means an order that temporarily delays the sale and awards the temporary exclusive use and possession of the family home to a custodial parent of a minor child or child for whom support is authorized under Sections 3900 and 3901 or under Section 3910, whether or not the custodial parent has sole or joint custody, in order to minimize the adverse impact of dissolution of marriage or legal separation of the parties on the welfare of the child.
Section 3800 and related sections basically codify the holding of In re Marriage of Duke (1980) 101 Cal.App.3d 152, 161 Cal.Rptr. 444. The Court in Duke wrote:
Where adverse economic, emotional and social impacts on minor children and the custodial parent, which would result from an immediate loss of a long established family home are not outweighed by economic detriment to the noncustodial party, the court shall, upon request, reserve jurisdiction and defer sale on appropriate conditions.
[Duke at page 155.]
In essence, the intent of the statute is to minimize the impact on the children by awarding temporary use and possession of the family residence to the custodial parent. (A “custodial parent” is the party awarded either sole or joint physical custody of a child. [See Cal. Fam. Code 3801 (a).]) This house is then sold at some future time.
Before the Court will make a deferred sale of home order, the court must first determine “whether it is economically feasible to maintain the payments of any note secured by a deed of trust, property taxes, insurance for the home during the period the sale of the home is deferred, and the condition of the home comparable to that at the time of trial.” [Cal. Fam. Code 3801.]
In making this determination, the Court has to consider each of the following factors:
(1) The resident parent’s income.
(2) The availability of spousal support, child support, or both spousal and child support.
(3) Any other sources of funds available to make those payments.
[Cal. Fam. Code 3801(b).]
The Family Code specifically describes the legislature’s intent regarding the economic feasibility test to accomplish all of the following:
(1) Avoid the likelihood of possible defaults on the payments of notes and resulting foreclosures.
(2) Avoid inadequate insurance coverage.
(3) Prevent deterioration of the condition of the family home.
(4) Prevent any other circumstance which would jeopardize both parents’ equity in the home.
[Cal. Fam. Code 3801(c).]
If the Court is satisfied that the deferred sale is economically feasible, then it has to ask the following questions:
(1) How long has the child lived in the home?
(2) What is the child’s grade in school?
(3) How close is the residence to the child’s school or daycare?
(4) Was the house modified to accommodate a disabled child or a disabled custodial parent?
(5) What emotional detriment would there be to the child if he/she changed residences?
(6) How close is the house to the custodial parent’s work?
(7) How financially able are the parents to obtain suitable housing?
(8) What tax consequences would be experienced by each party as a result of the deferred sale?
(9) What other “just and equitable” factors are there for the court to consider regarding a potential deferred sale.
[Cal. Fam. Code 3802.]
Once the Court has considered all of the required factors, then it can make its order. The order has to spell out the duration of the deferral and what each party has to do to maintain the residence. Usually, the “in-spouse” has to pay the costs of living in the residence to include the mortgage, property taxes, HOA, etc.
Now, the parties can always agree to a deferred sale without the Court ordering it if they so choose. They would just want to also carefully consider the factors described above as well. It would not due for a party to insist on a deferred sale of home order that simply was impossible financially.
One important point to consider: In my experience, the children are far less emotionally impacted by a move than the parents realize. It is important when considering a deferred sale of home order, to ask whether the deferred sale is desired because the kids need it or because a parent is having a hard time letting go of the house. Often it is better to just sell the house as soon as possible (you can visit https://www.housebuyersofamerica.com/sell-my-house-home to learn about a possible way of doing this). It is common for people ton entangle their emotions with things. Perhaps we will make seriously flawed financial decisions in order to hold onto a thing like a house. Remember to really think about the decision of a deferred home sale. If it doesn’t make sense financially-then it won’t help the kids either. In fact, an economically imprudent deferred home sale can hurt the kids a lot more than it will help.
Other resources regarding deferred home sales:
In re Marriage of Braud (1996) 45 Cal.App.4th 797, 53 Cal.Rptr.2d 179.
In re Marriage of Boseman (1973) 31 Cal.App.3d 372, 107 Cal.Rptr. 232.
In re Marriage of Herrmann (1978) 84 Cal.App.3d 361, 148 Cal.Rptr. 550.
In re Marriage of Stallworth (1987) 192 Cal.App.3d 742, 237 Cal.Rptr. 829.
For more information regarding a deferred home sale, contact attorney Shawn Weber at 858-345-1616 or visit our website at www.bravewebermack.com .
*Certified Specialist – Family Law
The State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Jan 23, 2013 | Uncategorized
By Shawn Weber, CLS-F*
It is possible to get what is called a “deferred sale of home order”. California Family Code section 3800(b) provides for this option as follows:
‘Deferred sale of home order’ means an order that temporarily delays the sale and awards the temporary exclusive use and possession of the family home to a custodial parent of a minor child or child for whom support is authorized under Sections 3900 and 3901 or under Section 3910, whether or not the custodial parent has sole or joint custody, in order to minimize the adverse impact of dissolution of marriage or legal separation of the parties on the welfare of the child.
Section 3800 and related sections basically codify the holding of In re Marriage of Duke (1980) 101 Cal.App.3d 152, 161 Cal.Rptr. 444. The Court in Duke wrote:
Where adverse economic, emotional and social impacts on minor children and the custodial parent, which would result from an immediate loss of a long established family home are not outweighed by economic detriment to the noncustodial party, the court shall, upon request, reserve jurisdiction and defer sale on appropriate conditions.
[Duke at page 155.]
In essence, the intent of the statute is to minimize the impact on the children by awarding temporary use and possession of the family residence to the custodial parent. (A “custodial parent” is the party awarded either sole or joint physical custody of a child. [See Cal. Fam. Code 3801 (a).]) This house is then sold at some future time.
Before the Court will make a deferred sale of home order, the court must first determine “whether it is economically feasible to maintain the payments of any note secured by a deed of trust, property taxes, insurance for the home during the period the sale of the home is deferred, and the condition of the home comparable to that at the time of trial.” [Cal. Fam. Code 3801.]
In making this determination, the Court has to consider each of the following factors:
(1) The resident parent’s income.
(2) The availability of spousal support, child support, or both spousal and child support.
(3) Any other sources of funds available to make those payments.
[Cal. Fam. Code 3801(b).]
The Family Code specifically describes the legislature’s intent regarding the economic feasibility test to accomplish all of the following:
(1) Avoid the likelihood of possible defaults on the payments of notes and resulting foreclosures.
(2) Avoid inadequate insurance coverage.
(3) Prevent deterioration of the condition of the family home.
(4) Prevent any other circumstance which would jeopardize both parents’ equity in the home.
[Cal. Fam. Code 3801(c).]
If the Court is satisfied that the deferred sale is economically feasible, then it has to ask the following questions:
(1) How long has the child lived in the home?
(2) What is the child’s grade in school?
(3) How close is the residence to the child’s school or daycare?
(4) Was the house modified to accommodate a disabled child or a disabled custodial parent?
(5) What emotional detriment would there be to the child if he/she changed residences?
(6) How close is the house to the custodial parent’s work?
(7) How financially able are the parents to obtain suitable housing?
(8) What tax consequences would be experienced by each party as a result of the deferred sale?
(9) What other “just and equitable” factors are there for the court to consider regarding a potential deferred sale.
[Cal. Fam. Code 3802.]
Once the Court has considered all of the required factors, then it can make its order. The order has to spell out the duration of the deferral and what each party has to do to maintain the residence. Usually, the “in-spouse” has to pay the costs of living in the residence to include the mortgage, property taxes, HOA, etc.
Now, the parties can always agree to a deferred sale without the Court ordering it if they so choose. They would just want to also carefully consider the factors described above as well. It would not due for a party to insist on a deferred sale of home order that simply was impossible financially.
One important point to consider: In my experience, the children are far less emotionally impacted by a move than the parents realize. It is important when considering a deferred sale of home order, to ask whether the deferred sale is desired because the kids need it or because a parent is having a hard time letting go of the house. Often it is better to just sell the house as soon as possible (you can visit https://www.housebuyersofamerica.com/sell-my-house-home to learn about a possible way of doing this). It is common for people ton entangle their emotions with things. Perhaps we will make seriously flawed financial decisions in order to hold onto a thing like a house. Remember to really think about the decision of a deferred home sale. If it doesn’t make sense financially-then it won’t help the kids either. In fact, an economically imprudent deferred home sale can hurt the kids a lot more than it will help.
Other resources regarding deferred home sales:
In re Marriage of Braud (1996) 45 Cal.App.4th 797, 53 Cal.Rptr.2d 179.
In re Marriage of Boseman (1973) 31 Cal.App.3d 372, 107 Cal.Rptr. 232.
In re Marriage of Herrmann (1978) 84 Cal.App.3d 361, 148 Cal.Rptr. 550.
In re Marriage of Stallworth (1987) 192 Cal.App.3d 742, 237 Cal.Rptr. 829.
For more information regarding a deferred home sale, contact attorney Shawn Weber at 858-345-1616 or visit our website at www.bravewebermack.com .
*Certified Specialist – Family Law
The State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization.
