by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | Jul 25, 2022 | Uncategorized
Looking for a miserable divorce? Here’s how!
Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience. Even if you have done all your research and know exactly how divorce works, it is still often a very toxic and harmful process. But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce. Here are some tips:
1. Hire the cheapest attorney.
You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce. So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book if you want a miserable divorce. But if you’re looking for a good divorce, it might be worth finding a more experienced and reputable lawyer in your local area.
For California divorces, we recommend finding a specialist in family law who is certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Speclialization. Such attorneys have had to meet certain experience requirements and have passed an extra bar examination for family law specialization. You will often see the person referred to as a Certified Family Law Specialist or with a designation such as “CFLS” or “CLS-F”.
2. Find a shark to represent you.
Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find. Make sure she is very expensive. Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face. This is indeed a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful.
A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all. The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours. In fact, what little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to. When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest. Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, our philosophy is to be a dolphin instead of a shark.
3. Whatever you do, don’t get a therapist.
You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now. Moreover, you want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety.
A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional. By all means, try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.
Without being sarcastic here, it’s smart to seek counseling from a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are not ready to hear what the other person is saying or the problem is something other than what you see. In truth, it can be helpful getting a third person’s point of view so that you can understand how it might appear to others. It may also provide you with a fresh perspective on things.
4. Use your children as pawns.
One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process. Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself. So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex.
Without a doubt, make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict. Use them as messengers for adult business. Tell them about how horrible your ex is. Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can. Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids. That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions. Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.
There is no such thing as justice in Family Court. That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it! It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed. Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness. Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.
Shawn Weber’s appearance on the Bryan Devore Connection
Shawn was recently a guest on the Bryan Divorce Connection, where he shared his Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce with Bryan’s viewers. Check it out and let us know what you think.
To learn more about Bryan Devore and the Bryan Devorce Connection, click here.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | Aug 8, 2019 | Uncategorized
Can you believe it’s back to school time already? Divorced parents need to make some specific preparations for a successful school year. Photo Wokandpix/Creative Commons License
Can you believe it’s already time for 60 million American kids to go back to school? Didn’t we just start summer?
Mixed feelings are natural at this time of year for everyone. Kids are sad about summer being over so quickly. But they are likely to be excited and happy to see friends and get involved in favorite activities like athletics, music, or robotics.
But if you are a divorced parent navigating co-parenting, back to school is a little more complicated. Who pays for what? What activities will the child get to be involved in? Who does the school call if there is a problem? Who gets to chaperone the field trip? What school will your child will attend, near Dad’s house or Mom’s house?
The phone starts ringing at Weber Dispute Resolution at this time of year. Parents having trouble solving these issues come to us for help mediating their conflicts. We are glad they do, instead of taking their problems to court. If you need the same help for yourself or your clients, we hope to hear from you.
We offer these tips to help you start working through problems and considering your options.
Get on the same page about routines.
Get on the same page about school routines. Photo: Luci/Creative Commons License
Don’t make school any more complicated than necessary. Kids do better if you and your co-parent agree on routines, and so will you. Meet before school starts without the kids in a neutral location to discuss the routine details first. Some areas for discussion:
- Emergency contacts and emergency procedures
- Instructions about academics and schoolwork
- Disciplinary issues
- Transportation and pick-up
- After-school activities
Once you agree, write it all down and share the plan with your children.
Deal with school expenses up front.
Custodial parents usually find themselves paying up front for back-to-school wardrobes and school supplies and then ask for half of the expenses. But even when parents agree to split the cost, sometimes one parent has very different ideas about how much to spend on things like clothes. Set a budget up front you can both live with. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.
Share school supplies information.
You may be the parent in charge of school shopping, but your ex might want to be involved. Let’s say your kid is in their last year of high school and wants to buy some gifts for their classmates to keep as memories of their time together. They might come to either of you to request the purchase. However, keeping the other one involved – whether you’re going to a store to buy keepsakes or heading online to Jostens or similar stores for the same – might be in your best interest so as to avoid any conflicts. If you do decide to go alone, make sure both of you have talked in advance about what Jim or Jane get to give their friends as a memorable keepsake. Purchases like this on a whim rarely end up without an argument and upset parents and kids.
Figure out what extra-curricular activities will be added – and paid for.
Are your kids into sports? Drama? Robotics? After school activities take time and money. Be sure you agree which parent is contributing both. Photo: KeithJJ/Creative Commons
Outside of the classroom, many kids want to participate in sports, music, drama, debate, student government, robotics or other science competitions. These activities can build valuable skills and develop passions your kids may follow into careers. But they also put a strain on your schedule and your budget. When time and money aren’t unlimited, you and your co-parent have to decide up front what’s realistic for your child and what’s not. Who is going to provide the transportation, and pay the fees?
Coordinate everyone’s calendars.
There are going to be lots of events when school starts: sports and music practices, meets, science fairs, concerts, etc. And you think your workday is busy! Coordinate the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child is able to attend important events. Have calendars in each house, one in your child’s backpack and give one to teachers or coaches to show which parent he will be with.
Negotiate attendance at school events.
Agree in advance to be courteous to one another at school events so you can attend at the same time. You can suck it up for the hour it takes every few months. If this is really, truly not possible, arrange to attend on different nights or at different times.
Meet the new teacher.
Meet your child’s teacher and stay in communication. Photo: Kevin Lopez/Creative Commons License
Divorced or not, it is always good to meet with your child’s new teacher. Let her or him know your child comes from a divorced home or a shared custody home. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just a bad day. Your child’s teacher should know what’s going on. But keep teachers and school personnel out of any conflicts between you and your former spouse.
Share information about your child’s education and progress.
Don’t play games or create obstacles for the noncustodial parent to get information. Unless you have a protective order, give permission to the children’s teachers, counselors, and medical professionals to share school information with both parents.
Arrange for duplicate notifications.
Information should be shared with both parents. It can be useful to arrange for separate, duplicate notifications about academic progress and school activities so one parent is not responsible for copying and sending information to the other, including anything like schoolwork or forms your child brings home; Do NOT make your child the responsible party.
A written record can help keep legal issues straight and problems from escalating. If you have a contentious relationship with your co-parent, why fan the flames at all? Arrange up front for a neutral third party like a mediator to be the point of mutual contact between you to ensure civility and cooperation.
Remember who school is for. It’s not a battleground to establish who is the better parent.
Remember, school is for your kids – not a battleground for you and your ex. Photo: Ernesto Silva/Creative Commons License
It’s great for you to be involved with your children, but don’t get into a competition with your former spouse. Your child is still dealing with your divorce no matter how long ago it happened while juggling the demands of school. Let school be your kid’s refuge, a place for him or her to have fun, learn, achieve and excel, and forget about difficult family issues.
No matter what, you can’t go wrong making a decision if you stop and ask yourself this: what’s in the best interest of my child? You get an A-plus.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | Aug 8, 2019 | Uncategorized
Can you believe it’s back to school time already? Divorced parents need to make some specific preparations for a successful school year. Photo Wokandpix/Creative Commons License
Can you believe it’s already time for 60 million American kids to go back to school? Didn’t we just start summer?
Mixed feelings are natural at this time of year for everyone. Kids are sad about summer being over so quickly. But they are likely to be excited and happy to see friends and get involved in favorite activities like athletics, music, or robotics.
But if you are a divorced parent navigating co-parenting, back to school is a little more complicated. Who pays for what? What activities will the child get to be involved in? Who does the school call if there is a problem? Who gets to chaperone the field trip? What school will your child will attend, near Dad’s house or Mom’s house?
The phone starts ringing at Weber Dispute Resolution at this time of year. Parents having trouble solving these issues come to us for help mediating their conflicts. We are glad they do, instead of taking their problems to court. If you need the same help for yourself or your clients, we hope to hear from you.
We offer these tips to help you start working through problems and considering your options.
Get on the same page about routines.
Get on the same page about school routines. Photo: Luci/Creative Commons License
Don’t make school any more complicated than necessary. Kids do better if you and your co-parent agree on routines, and so will you. Meet before school starts without the kids in a neutral location to discuss the routine details first. Some areas for discussion:
- Emergency contacts and emergency procedures
- Instructions about academics and schoolwork
- Disciplinary issues
- Transportation and pick-up
- After-school activities
Once you agree, write it all down and share the plan with your children.
Deal with school expenses up front.
Custodial parents usually find themselves paying up front for back-to-school wardrobes and school supplies and then ask for half of the expenses. But even when parents agree to split the cost, sometimes one parent has very different ideas about how much to spend on things like clothes. Set a budget up front you can both live with. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.
Share school supplies information.
You may be the parent in charge of school shopping, but your ex might want to be involved. Let’s say your kid is in their last year of high school and wants to buy some gifts for their classmates to keep as memories of their time together. They might come to either of you to request the purchase. However, keeping the other one involved – whether you’re going to a store to buy keepsakes or heading online to Jostens or similar stores for the same – might be in your best interest so as to avoid any conflicts. If you do decide to go alone, make sure both of you have talked in advance about what Jim or Jane get to give their friends as a memorable keepsake. Purchases like this on a whim rarely end up without an argument and upset parents and kids.
Figure out what extra-curricular activities will be added – and paid for.
Are your kids into sports? Drama? Robotics? After school activities take time and money. Be sure you agree which parent is contributing both. Photo: KeithJJ/Creative Commons
Outside of the classroom, many kids want to participate in sports, music, drama, debate, student government, robotics or other science competitions. These activities can build valuable skills and develop passions your kids may follow into careers. But they also put a strain on your schedule and your budget. When time and money aren’t unlimited, you and your co-parent have to decide up front what’s realistic for your child and what’s not. Who is going to provide the transportation, and pay the fees?
Coordinate everyone’s calendars.
There are going to be lots of events when school starts: sports and music practices, meets, science fairs, concerts, etc. And you think your workday is busy! Coordinate the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child is able to attend important events. Have calendars in each house, one in your child’s backpack and give one to teachers or coaches to show which parent he will be with.
Negotiate attendance at school events.
Agree in advance to be courteous to one another at school events so you can attend at the same time. You can suck it up for the hour it takes every few months. If this is really, truly not possible, arrange to attend on different nights or at different times.
Meet the new teacher.
Meet your child’s teacher and stay in communication. Photo: Kevin Lopez/Creative Commons License
Divorced or not, it is always good to meet with your child’s new teacher. Let her or him know your child comes from a divorced home or a shared custody home. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just a bad day. Your child’s teacher should know what’s going on. But keep teachers and school personnel out of any conflicts between you and your former spouse.
Share information about your child’s education and progress.
Don’t play games or create obstacles for the noncustodial parent to get information. Unless you have a protective order, give permission to the children’s teachers, counselors, and medical professionals to share school information with both parents.
Arrange for duplicate notifications.
Information should be shared with both parents. It can be useful to arrange for separate, duplicate notifications about academic progress and school activities so one parent is not responsible for copying and sending information to the other, including anything like schoolwork or forms your child brings home; Do NOT make your child the responsible party.
A written record can help keep legal issues straight and problems from escalating. If you have a contentious relationship with your co-parent, why fan the flames at all? Arrange up front for a neutral third party like a mediator to be the point of mutual contact between you to ensure civility and cooperation.
Remember who school is for. It’s not a battleground to establish who is the better parent.
Remember, school is for your kids – not a battleground for you and your ex. Photo: Ernesto Silva/Creative Commons License
It’s great for you to be involved with your children, but don’t get into a competition with your former spouse. Your child is still dealing with your divorce no matter how long ago it happened while juggling the demands of school. Let school be your kid’s refuge, a place for him or her to have fun, learn, achieve and excel, and forget about difficult family issues.
No matter what, you can’t go wrong making a decision if you stop and ask yourself this: what’s in the best interest of my child? You get an A-plus.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | May 10, 2019 | Uncategorized
It has been a long standing belief in family law: parents should not subject their kids to rants about a custody battle.
Judges have long constrained speech that would unnecessarily expose kids to the nastiness and details of the battle over who gets custody of the children between their parents.
However, a new case issued by California Court of Appeal (Second Appellate District) seems to set a new boundary around what kind of speech the court can constrain. It is particularly interesting given the new era of social media communication we live with today.
In this matter, a rather nasty Mr. Molinaro earned the privilege of receiving a domestic violence restraining order under the Domestic Violence Prevention Act (DVPA). The list of his hideous behavior included blocking his wife’s car in the driveway, threatening to throw a chair through the window if she didn’t unlock the door, and threatening to euthanize the dog. A real charmer.
Mr. Molinaro also endeared himself to the court by arguing with the judge, calling him ‘insane.’ He was so hostile at court, bailiffs had to repeatedly admonish him to calm down.
Mr. Molinaro posting rants about his ‘unfair’ treatment in the case on his Facebook page. Among other things, he posted “about the divorce, about everything that’s happening.” His soon to be ex-wife testified he “posted to Facebook that [she] stole $250,000 from [their] home equity line, that [she] used it all and ran away with it.” She testified, “He says that I am crazy and having hallucinations.”
Court orders parties not to post on Facebook about their case
To protect the children from being exposed to their father’s Facebook rants about the case, the trial court ordered “Neither party is to discuss any aspect of the case with the minor children until further order of the court-including Facebook posting [about the] subject case matter.”
Granting the wife’s application for a restraining order, the court ordered her then-husband not “to post anything on Facebook … in regards to this action … ” In an attachment to the restraining order, the court ordered the parties “not to post anything about the case on Facebook” and “not to discuss the case with the children.”
Mr. Molinaro appealed the trial court’s order.
Facebook posts considered to be “free speech” per the court ruling
The appellate court upheld all of the provisions of the restraining order, except for the restraint on Facebook posting, finding it to be an overbroad and impermissible infringement on free speech.
The court held:
“Although we have found the evidence sufficient to support the court’s issuance of a domestic violence restraining order, we conclude the part of the order prohibiting Michael from posting ‘anything about the case on Facebook’ is overbroad and impermissibly infringes upon his constitutionally protected right of free speech.”
The court further argued:
“’It is certainly in the best interests of the children of divorce that adults in their lives act in a mature and courteous manner’ [citation]; however, where a restraint on the freedom of speech is concerned, the restriction must be necessary and narrowly tailored to promoting those interests. The part of the restraining order prohibiting Michael from posting about the case on Facebook does not meet this test. We conclude it is overbroad, constituting an invalid prior restraint, and must be stricken from the domestic violence restraining order.”
So, to sum it up, Mr. Molinaro is still a jerk. But he can talk about it on Facebook.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F* | May 9, 2019 | Uncategorized
Don’t blow up your chance of mediation by making these common mediation mistakes.
Attorneys get paid for good advice. Sometimes your clients take it, and sometimes they don’t.
But once in a while, attorneys could use some advice of their own. In my role as a mediator, I frequently observe smart attorneys floundering when it comes to advising their clients about mediation issues. When mediation isn’t the focus of your practice, it is understandable. Or if you are still new to the legal profession, you may not have ever been exposed to any education about best practices in mediation.
If you fall into either of these categories, or could use a refresher, we’ve put together a list of common mistakes AND ways to avoid them based on our many years of experience with mediation as the focus of our practice at Weber Dispute Resolution.
Misunderstanding your role as an advising attorney
The advising attorney’s job is to ensure the client can make informed decisions. But often, attorneys act like litigators when they were hired to be advisors. When you are advising, your job is simply to advise your client about the law, and what they can expect if the matter proceeds to court. This is not the time to sugar coat reality for the client. Honesty is the best policy.
Remember, the client has chosen to mediate to avoid adversarial litigation. Approaching the case as a zealous advocate misses the mark. You are not in charge. Your client is in charge. Ensure sure your client makes informed choices by making sure they understand any potential results of the decisions affecting the final settlement results. Using your legal knowledge to think through all possible scenarios is your true value to the client.
Filing motions during mediation
Every now and then with a mediation, a client may get spooked about something. Maybe it’s about spousal support or child custody. They go to an attorney to file a motion while already engaged in mediation. The knee jerk reaction to file a motion does untold damage to the mediator’s ability to manage and ultimately settle the case.
Introducing adversarial processes is destructive to mediation. Emergencies happen and I understand this. Rather than file motions at court, parties can schedule an emergency mediation session.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, you can often have an emergency addressed within 48 hours. Most of the time, we can resolve the problem WAY before a court can. In San Diego County, motions can take months to be heard. The court is continually restricting what it considers an emergency. Ex parte requests are denied more frequently. In mediation, we may be able to short circuit emergencies before you need to file a motion.
Sometimes counsel is worried about jurisdiction for retroactivity of support. As a result, an attorney is tempted to file a motion for child and/or spousal support. This is truly an unnecessary and costly exercise. Rather than file a motion, parties can agree by stipulation to reserve jurisdiction over retroactivity. Weber Dispute Resolution does this frequently in mediation. If you worry about needing to file a motion to prevent loss of retroactivity or some other jurisdictional issue, approach the mediator with a proposal to stipulate to retroactivity.
Proffering formal discovery
I get it. Old habits are hard to break. Sometimes an attorney barrels ahead and serves formal discovery during the mediation process. Again, this injects the adversarial element into a case and is an additional unnecessary cost. As part of mediation, all discovery can be informal. Mediation can’t continue if financial disclosure isn’t forthcoming.
Rather than serve subpoenas or other formal discovery, consider bringing up the discovery concern during mediation. A good mediator will work with the parties to ensure all necessary discovery happens and all parties receive the information they need. Parties can stipulate and agree to deadlines to provide information as well as a list of what is to be provided. In my experience, people are more likely to comply with informal discovery requests when they are part of voluntary non-adversarial processes. However, when adversarial formal discovery appears, cooperation greatly reduces.
Treating the mediator like a judge
Sometimes an inexperienced attorney will ‘argue’ the case in mediation in front of the mediator, as if the mediator would rule on a decision like a judge. A mediator doesn’t get a vote. The mediator’s job is to facilitate agreement, not to decide anything unilaterally. Arguing with the mediator like you do in court is counterproductive. Rather, coach your client on how to make interest-based proposals. Don’t try to convince your mediator regarding the merits of the case. Instead, work cooperatively with the mediator to identify viable proposals.
Showing up for mediation without any notice
Occasionally, I will have a mediation session where a party brings their attorney without notice, and it’s a surprise to everyone in the room. I don’t oppose attorneys participating in a mediation process. In fact, I encourage it. But showing up to a mediation session without notice can feel like an ambush to the other party. It can also throw off the neutrality of the process. Perhaps if the other party was notified, he or she might have wanted to have their own attorney attend.
If your client wants to you attend, talk to the mediator in advance so there are no surprises. You’ll waste your client’s money showing up as a surprise, causing the mediation session to be rescheduled because the other party doesn’t want to proceed. In my mediation process, attorneys are fine as long as both parties have counsel. Balance is key.
Assuming you need a retired judge as mediator
Mediators come in all shapes and sizes. Some are attorneys. Some are mental health professionals. Some are financial professionals. A few are retired judges.
It’s important to hire your mediator based on the skill set you need for your client. A retired judge is ideal when you need an evaluative mediation, where the judge will offer an opinion of how he or she would rule if the case were in court.
Some cases require a facilitator rather than an evaluator. A facilitator helps parties learn how to listen and hear each other, and to communicate their needs and interests more effectively. They really get into the world the clients are experiencing to find the clarity needed to uncover pathways to settlement. This requires specialized training many retired judges lack.
Spend time assessing the type mediation best suited to the clients and the case. Find a mediator who fits this need.
Using mediation too late in the legal process
Attorneys sometimes turn to mediation right before a trial starts, after years spent in litigation. This is a waste of time. An advantage of mediation is the potential to reduce your client’s fees. If you just want to churn fees, you can stop reading right now. But if you are the kind of attorney who cares about your client’s best interests, then you want to get your client into mediation sooner rather than later.
Use the mediator to manage the discovery process. Discovery is typically the most expensive portion of any case. Let the mediator help reach interim agreements rather than spending tens of thousands litigating interim motions. A good mediator can also do a lot to manage the case early in the process. This will reduce unnecessary fees. It reduces your client’s stress levels. And it reduces YOUR stress levels, too.
Second guessing hard-fought agreements
Sometimes I will spend hours, days, or sometimes weeks with a party in negotiations. We perform a delicate dance stitching together a balanced agreement based on the emotional, legal and financial needs of both parties. Then one person goes to their attorney, who was never in the room and has no idea of the context for the agreement. The attorney torpedos the agreement, undoing hours and hours of hard work. Inevitably, the case falls out of mediation, because the other party becomes angry the agreement is changing.
Be careful advising your client based on hearsay. Take time to understand the context of the agreement, how and why it was reached. It helps if the client involves you earlier in the process, rather than bringing an agreement to you after the fact without all the facts.
Avoid mediation mistakes! Call on Weber Dispute Resolution for advice
I welcome attorneys calling me to get context. With the parties’ permission, we can have a discussion and figure out where your case landed, and how it can be redirected down the right path. Contact us online today or call us at 858-410-0144.
