Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce

miserable divorce

Looking for a miserable divorce?  Here’s how!

Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience.  But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce.  Here are some tips:

1.  Hire the cheapest attorney.

You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce.  So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book.

2.  Find a shark to represent you.

Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find.  Make sure she is very expensive.  Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face.  This is a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful.  A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all.  The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours.  What little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to.  When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest.  Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.

3. Whatever you do, don’t get a therapist.

You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now.  You want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety.  A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional.  Try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.

4. Use your children as pawns.

One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process.  Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself.  So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex.  Make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict.  Use them as messengers for adult business.  Tell them about how horrible your ex is.  Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can.  Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids.  That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions.  Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.

5. Demand justice.

There is no such thing as justice in Family Court.  That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it!  It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed.  Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness.  Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.

These are my top five.  Do you have any others?  Comment below and share with me your tips for a miserable divorce.

See Also:

Forgiveness During Divorce:

How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?


  1. 6. Don’t establish a goal with your lawyer’s advice (an ideal and realistic end game). If you do establish a goal , e.g. a prompt dissolution leaving kids and relationships going forward a shot at happiness and positive ongoing future. Who wants that outcome?
    7. Fight over every personal property item and once you jointly decide to sell the home, throw roadblocks in the way and maximize the likelihood of getting less from its sale.
    Good article Shawn!!!

  2. No 5 needs a spell check/edit
    “Don’t compromise unless it -meats- your perfect definition…”
    Shouldn’t that be ‘meet’ ?

  3. 8. Fight over principle. After all, it doesn’t matter if you go home with much less money because the principle is the most important thing. And it doesn’t matter how much the kids are involved because the principle is the most important thing. Don’t worry about what the principle is, or even to define it. Just be sure you use it to fight everything, even the things that don’t harm you in the least.
    9. Be sure to let your ex-to-be know that you’re dating during the divorce. Make sure the kids know, too. Make sure your new love interest sits with you so you can exchange PDA’s at the kid’s basketball games and school plays. Introduce the kids to the new love interest, too. In fact, move your new love in with you a few weeks after the divorce filing, to make certain your spouse knows how easy he/she can be replaced.

  4. 10. Demonize your spouse. After all, the person you married no longer has any positive attributes. Not a good parent, nor a good spouse, nor in any way appreciative of your hard work and charming disposition. Never miss a change to disparage your spouse to your children, or your friends, particularly your mutual friends. Post disparaging comments on Facebook and other social media, so your kids will learn what a horrible person your spouse is.

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