Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience. Even if you have done all your research and know exactly how divorce works, it is still often a very toxic and harmful process. But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce. Here are some tips:
1. Hire the cheapest attorney.
You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce. So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book if you want a miserable divorce. But if you’re looking for a good divorce, it might be worth finding a more experienced and reputable lawyer in your local area.
For California divorces, we recommend finding a specialist in family law who is certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Speclialization. Such attorneys have had to meet certain experience requirements and have passed an extra bar examination for family law specialization. You will often see the person referred to as a Certified Family Law Specialist or with a designation such as “CFLS” or “CLS-F”.
2. Find a shark to represent you.
Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find. Make sure she is very expensive. Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face. This is indeed a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful.
A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all. The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours. In fact, what little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to. When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest. Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.
You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now. Moreover, you want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety.
A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional. By all means, try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.
Without being sarcastic here, it’s smart to seek counseling from a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are not ready to hear what the other person is saying or the problem is something other than what you see. In truth, it can be helpful getting a third person’s point of view so that you can understand how it might appear to others. It may also provide you with a fresh perspective on things.
4. Use your children as pawns.
One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process. Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself. So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex.
Without a doubt, make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict. Use them as messengers for adult business. Tell them about how horrible your ex is. Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can. Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids. That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions. Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.
5. Demand justice.
There is no such thing as justice in Family Court. That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it! It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed. Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness. Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.
Shawn Weber’s appearance on the Bryan Devore Connection
Shawn was recently a guest on the Bryan Divorce Connection, where he shared his Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce with Bryan’s viewers. Check it out and let us know what you think.
To learn more about Bryan Devore and the Bryan Devorce Connection, click here.
When we think of the holidays, we think of family. Our traditions are all about bringing the family together and celebrating togetherness. We have Norman Rockwell style images in our heads of the family (and children) gathered around the table with something delicious. Whether it’s lighting the menorah or setting out cookies for Santa, the Holidays inspire hopes for greeting card type scenery and happy times with our children. After all, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” It is also during the holiday time that most parents may opt to take their kids for vacations. It can either be to busy cities like New York, Florida or to serene and peaceful countryside locations like the ones at Iceland. You can opt for camper rental and spend quality time with them on the highlands. They would definitely appreciate spending time with the nature.
However, for single parents, the holidays can be especially trying. As a family law attorney, I typically see an uptick in custody and visitation disputes prior to every major holiday. It makes sense that the most emotionally meaningful calendar dates for people sometimes lead to the most emotionally driven family disputes.
It is always amazing to me that a time of year for celebrating peace on earth can be so full of conflict. Often I will get a frantic call right before a special day.
Examples are:
“The kids were with my ex last year. Now he wants to take them again!”
“I have been planning a visit with my kids to see my parents in another state and now she is ruining our plans! I already bought plane tickets!”
“He is trying to buy the kids with expensive gifts. It makes me look terrible! He knows he doesn’t pay me enough support and I can’t keep up with him!”
“She is threatening to show up right in the middle of our holiday dinner.”
Below are some tips learned through years of trial and error as a family lawyer to help co-parents get through the holidays:
Tip #1: Be Specific In Your Holiday Co-Parenting Plan
There is a reason why lawyers write everything down. When you have your agreement in writing, there is less opportunity for playing games. When I draft custody orders, I try to include a written holiday schedule with specifics about when the kids will be with each parent for which holiday. For example, a provision might look something this:
“In every even-numbered year, Sarah shall be in the Father’s care at 10:00 A.M. on December 24 until 10:00 A.M. on December 25 and in the Mother’s care from 10:00 A.M. on December 25 until 10:00 A.M. on December 26. In every odd-numbered year, this schedule shall reverse.”
(As an aside, notice that I split up the Christmas holiday in a way that lets both parents share in the fun. This is a very typical type of provision to consider including in your holiday co-parenting plan.)
The more specific your order, the less confusing your holiday co-parenting will be on the day of the holiday. Remember, confusion and ambiguity breed conflict and disagreement.
Tip #2: Don’t Wait Until the Last Minute. Discuss and Agree to Holiday Co-Parenting Plans Early.
Planning a trip to North Dakota with the kids for winter break? Then make your holiday co-parenting plans and get your ex’s agreement early. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a party make plans and buy non-refundable tickets only to have those plans dashed at the last minute because they didn’t consult with the other parent. Talk about it early. Agree on travel plans. Get it in writing.
Tip #3: Talk to each other about gifts.
It can be very awkward when both parents buy little Susie a Big Hugs Elmo. So, make an effort to coordinate. And please, don’t make it a competition. It’s about your child after all.
Tip #4: Control the Relatives.
Your child does not need to hear anyone speaking ill of the other parent over turkey, even if he really is a big jerk. Make sure that relatives and family members refrain from bad mouthing. Remember, that’s your child’s other parent they’re talking about. When you allow other people to speak ill of the other parent in front of your children, it only hurts the kids.
Tip #5: Don’t be selfish. Share!
There is a real temptation to want to keep all of the holiday fun for yourself. Avoid that type of thinking. When you are co-parenting, you simply may not get to spend every holiday with your child. It’s the season of giving-remember? However, you may consider (if you are up to it) spending a holiday together with the ex. Why not do the Santa thing together? It can really make a holiday special for your child if you can pull it off without fighting. Be realistic about it, though. If you really can’t get through an evening with your ex without throwing your egg nog at him, then go the separate route.
Tip #6: Respect Boundaries.
If it is your ex's year to have the kids on a holiday, remember to be respectful of her time with the kids. Don't interfere. Do not try to show up at the house unannounced during dinner. Don't worry. I know it may be really difficult to be away from your little ones during a special holiday, but it will be okay. Don't let your kids be the subject of a tug of war on a day that is supposed to be merry and joyful. Let them experience the holiday without being placed in the middle of your struggle. Just let go-at least for the holiday. Your ex will be grateful and will be more likely to return the favor when it's your year.
When we think of the holidays, we think of family. Our traditions are all about bringing the family together and celebrating togetherness. We have Norman Rockwell style images in our heads of the family (and children) gathered around the table with something delicious. Whether it’s lighting the menorah or setting out cookies for Santa, the Holidays inspire hopes for greeting card type scenery and happy times with our children. After all, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” It is also during the holiday time that most parents may opt to take their kids for vacations. It can either be to busy cities like New York, Florida or to serene and peaceful countryside locations like the ones at Iceland. You can opt for camper rental and spend quality time with them on the highlands. They would definitely appreciate spending time with the nature.
However, for single parents, the holidays can be especially trying. As a family law attorney, I typically see an uptick in custody and visitation disputes prior to every major holiday. It makes sense that the most emotionally meaningful calendar dates for people sometimes lead to the most emotionally driven family disputes.
It is always amazing to me that a time of year for celebrating peace on earth can be so full of conflict. Often I will get a frantic call right before a special day.
Examples are:
“The kids were with my ex last year. Now he wants to take them again!”
“I have been planning a visit with my kids to see my parents in another state and now she is ruining our plans! I already bought plane tickets!”
“He is trying to buy the kids with expensive gifts. It makes me look terrible! He knows he doesn’t pay me enough support and I can’t keep up with him!”
“She is threatening to show up right in the middle of our holiday dinner.”
Below are some tips learned through years of trial and error as a family lawyer to help co-parents get through the holidays:
Tip #1: Be Specific In Your Holiday Co-Parenting Plan
There is a reason why lawyers write everything down. When you have your agreement in writing, there is less opportunity for playing games. When I draft custody orders, I try to include a written holiday schedule with specifics about when the kids will be with each parent for which holiday. For example, a provision might look something this:
“In every even-numbered year, Sarah shall be in the Father’s care at 10:00 A.M. on December 24 until 10:00 A.M. on December 25 and in the Mother’s care from 10:00 A.M. on December 25 until 10:00 A.M. on December 26. In every odd-numbered year, this schedule shall reverse.”
(As an aside, notice that I split up the Christmas holiday in a way that lets both parents share in the fun. This is a very typical type of provision to consider including in your holiday co-parenting plan.)
The more specific your order, the less confusing your holiday co-parenting will be on the day of the holiday. Remember, confusion and ambiguity breed conflict and disagreement.
Tip #2: Don’t Wait Until the Last Minute. Discuss and Agree to Holiday Co-Parenting Plans Early.
Planning a trip to North Dakota with the kids for winter break? Then make your holiday co-parenting plans and get your ex’s agreement early. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a party make plans and buy non-refundable tickets only to have those plans dashed at the last minute because they didn’t consult with the other parent. Talk about it early. Agree on travel plans. Get it in writing.
Tip #3: Talk to each other about gifts.
It can be very awkward when both parents buy little Susie a Big Hugs Elmo. So, make an effort to coordinate. And please, don’t make it a competition. It’s about your child after all.
Tip #4: Control the Relatives.
Your child does not need to hear anyone speaking ill of the other parent over turkey, even if he really is a big jerk. Make sure that relatives and family members refrain from bad mouthing. Remember, that’s your child’s other parent they’re talking about. When you allow other people to speak ill of the other parent in front of your children, it only hurts the kids.
Tip #5: Don’t be selfish. Share!
There is a real temptation to want to keep all of the holiday fun for yourself. Avoid that type of thinking. When you are co-parenting, you simply may not get to spend every holiday with your child. It’s the season of giving-remember? However, you may consider (if you are up to it) spending a holiday together with the ex. Why not do the Santa thing together? It can really make a holiday special for your child if you can pull it off without fighting. Be realistic about it, though. If you really can’t get through an evening with your ex without throwing your egg nog at him, then go the separate route.
Tip #6: Respect Boundaries.
If it is your ex's year to have the kids on a holiday, remember to be respectful of her time with the kids. Don't interfere. Do not try to show up at the house unannounced during dinner. Don't worry. I know it may be really difficult to be away from your little ones during a special holiday, but it will be okay. Don't let your kids be the subject of a tug of war on a day that is supposed to be merry and joyful. Let them experience the holiday without being placed in the middle of your struggle. Just let go-at least for the holiday. Your ex will be grateful and will be more likely to return the favor when it's your year.
In fact, some are much better than others. What’s more, a bad family mediator can cost you a lot of stress and money in the long run. Good conflict resolution requires a very specific set of skills. In other words, it’s best to get a mediator as your neutral third party who knows what she is doing.
In California, there are no licensure requirements for mediators. So, it’s buyer beware to some extent.
Here are some questions to ask a divorce mediator:
#1: How much mediation training has the mediator had?
Training is really important. Good mediators have a specific skill set in working with parties to resolve their differences. These listening and communication skills are crucial to a case going well or poorly.
Make sure your mediator has sufficient training and has received continuing training too. For example, if they just took a course 15 years ago without getting updates, they will probably lack crucial skills.
Looking for divorce mediation training?
Check out Family Resolution Institute here
for more information.
#2: What other professional credentials does the mediator have?
Make sure your mediator has professional know-how beyond just a one-time mediation training course. Typical mediators are either lawyers, mental health professionals or financial professionals. They should have a working knowledge of the family law issues you are going to face.
When drafting a settlement agreement, it is often helpful to have a lawyer serve as your mediator. Mental health professionals are excellent for custody cases or cases where emotions are high. Financial professionals help a ton with money issues. If there is no other underlying credential, you might want to look elsewhere.
Also, be careful of unlicensed professionals. For instance, just because someone has a J.D., they may not necessarily be a licensed attorney. You certainly don’t want a disbarred attorney as your mediator. If they don’t have an active license, ask why.
#3: Is the mediator a full-time mediator, or a dabbler?
It’s best to get a mediator who mediates on a full-time basis. Be careful of dabblers. A person who mediates full-time takes the profession seriously.
People often get into trouble if they hire a person whose full-time job is as an adversarial attorney or a therapist, for example, who may only mediate now and then. Such folks will likely not have the skills you need to get results.
#4: Beware of one-day or super cheap processes.
Marriage is not an easy thing to unwind. Be careful of mediators who promise results in one day or some other very short time period. Chances are, you will feel rushed, and your settlement will not cover what it needs to cover. A good process typically involves several mediation sessions.
Also, be careful of super-cheap mediators. In many cases, you really do get what you pay for. There can be lasting consequences if you rush your divorce process and miss something important. Spend the time and money to get it right!
#5: Ask the divorce mediator about his/her process and conflict resolution style.
Every mediator is different and may have a different style. Some mediators are much more facilitative while others are more directive and evaluative. As a result, the relationship with your mediator is very personal.
A mediator who is excellent for one couple may not be so good for another. So take the time to get to know the mediator, her process, and style before you agree to mediate.
Very importantly, don’t rely on your mediator for legal advice. Even if your mediator is an attorney, he can’t be YOUR attorney because of conflict of interest concerns. So it is always smart during any mediation process to consult with a lawyer to ensure your decisions are informed.
It’s important to know the right questions to ask a divorce mediator. Hopefully, these tips will help you with the mediator selection process.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, we provide both collaborative law and mediation services. To get more information, give us a call at 858-410-0144.
You can control how angry and hurt you remain after your divorce. Using principles of forgiveness during divorce will help you control divorce emotions and move on.
Almost every divorce involves a situation where somebody did someone wrong. Or… at the very least, someone feels like someone did somebody wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am living the B.J. Thomas song, “Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song”.
The reality is that divorce sucks. It hurts a lot in fact. As a California divorce mediator, I used to hide behind the excuse that California is a no-fault state and what happened to lead to the divorce is legally irrelevant. But the no-fault concept misses the point that divorce is more than just a legal process; it’s a human experience. If you require legal help through the divorce, here’s what to expect from their services – https://www.benchrestgallery.com/how-a-divorce-lawyer-can-help/.
Divorce Causes Real Pain: The Need to Control Divorce Emotions
The parties to a divorce are real people with real pain. Often a case just won’t settle until the parties can process their divorce emotions, hurt, and pain. This can almost always be made easier once you are in touch with a Family Attorney, because not only do they advise you on your rights, but they are there there for you when you are at your most vulnerable to protect you. They can help you focus, and process your emotions.
I don’t mean to minimize the pain of divorce emotions because I know it is very real. However, one can find that place where a person can let go of the anger and hurt in order to move on. Forgiveness during divorce and after really is possible.
Don’t Be a Monkey
Perhaps you have heard of the fable of the monkey trap. Apparently, you can take a jar with an opening large enough to fit a monkey hand and fill the jar with cookies. The monkey then comes along, inserts his hand through the opening to grab a cookie. However, because his fist with the cookie is now larger than the opening to the jar, the monkey can’t remove his fist and is trapped. Rather than rationally letting go of the cookie, the monkey will remain trapped indefinitely.
There is at least some truth to the story as shown by this video about a hunter capturing a baboon with a similar strategy:
Similar to the monkey who won’t let go, we tend to hold onto our grudges. By holding onto our hurt and anger with a clenched fist, we can become trapped until we figure out to let go. Similar to the monkey, it’s hard to escape a divorce situation without learning to also release the clenched fist. A person might finish her divorce, but will still carry the pain into the post-divorce life and even into the next relationship.
Forgiveness during divorce is an important way to release anger.
Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Anger and the search for revenge rarely help anything. They certainly don’t bring peace.
If you find yourself consumed with anger when you think of your ex, consider letting go. Make a conscious decision to forgive the other person. Notice that I am not suggesting that you allow anyone to cause you harm again. I simply suggest that forgiving and letting go of the anger will help to control divorce emotions. It will go a long way to finding peace.
Remember, forgiveness during divorce is an exercise that only the injured person can control. It does not require the wrongdoer to pay for what he did to you or to apologize. The other person does not even need to be sorry. Your forgiving and letting go is entirely up to you. It’s not easy, but it is completely within your control.
If you find forgiveness during divorce difficult to achieve and find that it gets in the way of moving on, consider discussing the issue with clergy or mental health professionals. Those former professionals can dig up the Church Resources and help you with solutions on how to proceed in life. Perhaps, hearing such practical and reliable advice could be something that you need at this point. Until you can control divorce emotions and let go of the anger, you, like the monkey, will be stuck. If you have employed one of the Denver law firms to assist you through the divorce process, they may be able to offer you some support too.
If you think forgiveness during a divorce is too hard, you are wrong. It is reachable. There are tons of examples in the world of people who forgave the unspeakable and made their lives better. See the examples below:
