Working With Attorneys in Mediation

by | May 2, 2011 | Uncategorized


This is an excellent article about how to work with advising attorneys during mediation. I always say, make sure your attorney understand­s clearly at the first consultati­on that you are not looking for full blown representa­tion– just advice. I also agree with the comment that a collaborat­ive lawyer is the best candidate. Collaborat­ive lawyers through their training “get it” that you are trying to stay out of court. Remember, your attorney works for you and you are the boss. Don’t let an attorney talk you out of a settlement if you believe it is right for your family. You only need the attorney to make sure that your decisions are informed. You are a grown up, so if after conferring with your attorney, you believe that your choices are right, then follow your gut. You have to live with your choices, not your attorney.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

No more divorce by text message in Tajikistan

by | Apr 15, 2011 | Uncategorized

Divorce by text message banned in Tajikistan

So it’s official. Time Magazine’s Hillary Brenhouse reports that folks living in Tajikistan can no longer divorce their spouse by text message. Apparently, in old Sunni Islam tradition, you can divorce your spouse by delivering the “triple talaq“.  Just deliver the phrase, “I divorce you,” to your estranged spouse and “POOF” you have a divorce.  (I note that only men get to employ this convenient method for divorce.)  In spite of its utility and simplicity, it has been outlawed in many of the majority islamic country’s including Turkey, Tunisia, Bangladesh, Pakistan and Indonesia.  In India, according to Brenhouse, a “triple talaq” won’t get a person very far unless it also accompanies arbitration and reconciliation.

Now in the digital age, it seems, Tajik men have been delivering their talaqs via text message.   Sensing that the divorce by text message is just too easy, Abdrakhim Kholikov, the head of the Tajik state religious affairs committee, has declared that sending text messages containing a triple talaq is a  breach of Islamic law.  Sigh… no more divorce by text message.

Read the article here:

‘We R Over’: Tajikistan’s Religious Officials Ban Divorce By Text Message – TIME NewsFeed.

Klingon Divorce Better?

The triple talaq reminds me of the Klingon Divorce video I posted from Youtube last month.  If divorce were this easy, I would need to find a new line of work.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBLkOMvidwo]

Click here to learn more about how Brave, Weber & Mack can help you if your divorce process is more complicated than a simple text message or a slap to the face.

The Klingon Divorce: Lessons to Be Learned

by | Mar 18, 2011 | Uncategorized

I came across this funny video on YouTube.  It strangely reminded me of a divorce mediation I conducted.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBLkOMvidwo&w=480&h=390]

The caption read, “N’Gos tlhogh cha! A simple procedure… This would save millions in attorney fees.” The mediation of which I am referring involved a couple that simply had to get out their emotions and frustrations before they could settle anything. I remember after a long period of haggling over what seemed to be trivial issues, the wife stood up and said, “I hate you and never want to see you again.” She then quickly settled on all issues over which they had been haggling for months. She didn’t care so much about the settlement as much as she cared about making sure he knew that she was finished with him.

Now I am not recommending that we move our divorces into violent Klingon style combat. However, I am suggesting that the simple expression of the hurt and anger can sometimes be important. I am a big believer that mediators and conflict managers such as myself cannot be afraid of conflict. We have to be able to embrace it, understand it, and work within it.

So many attorneys become mediators because they can’t handle conflict. They believe that moving into alternate dispute resolution will protect them from conflict. However, this thinking is wrong. Models like collaborative divorce or mediation, while going a long way to manage conflict, do not eliminate it. To be successful in such models, the professionals need to have the stomach for the raw emotions of hurt and anger to be expressed. Otherwise, they will invariably fail as conflict managers. It’s like a surgeon who faints at the sight of blood.

For me, the joy of conflict resolution comes largely from my ability to roll up my sleeves and get knee deep into the “muck” of emotions and humanity that is so present in divorce cases. It’s not that I enjoy the pain people are feeling. Rather, I enjoy the sheer humanity of it all. It is so rewarding to work with people in pain work through their conflict and come out better on the other side.

Great series on behavioral finance.

by | Mar 18, 2011 | Uncategorized

I have been following an excellent series by my friends and colleagues, Justin Reckers, CFP, CDFA, AIF and Robert Simon, Ph.D. I recommend this series highly to clients and divorce professionals. It really does a good job of showing how one’s biasis and emotions can complicate and influence financial decisions. In my experience, 95% of the hard work in divorce negotiations is emotional. If the negotiations were purely math driven, my job would be a lot easier. However, math is really small part compared to the emotional baggage people often carry into the room. Here is a link to a great article on Cognitive Bias in Financial Negotiations of Divorce.   Thanks Robert and Justin for your excellent work.  http://advisor.morningstar.com/articles/fcarticle.asp?s=&docId=20909&from=related