by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 21, 2023 | Uncategorized
As a certified family law specialist (CLS-F)[i], I have been involved in divorce mediation and alternate dispute resolution (ADR) for more than 15 years. I regularly serve as a pro tem settlement judge on the Mandatory Settlement Conference (MSC) Panel with the San Diego County Superior Court. While I enjoy helping folks through their MSCs, the help is simply too little too late for many people. Often preparation for the MSC is nearly as stressful and costly as preparing for the trial. In addition, lawyers need to certify that discovery is complete and prepare elaborate briefs. Waiting until the very end of a case to attempt mediation does the parties and the professionals a great disservice. I see this in the pained and stressed-out expressions on parties and counsel at the MSCs I facilitate.
There are many options at the beginning of the case to settle issues, manage discovery concerns and resolve unnecessary conflict. Even (and especially) high conflict cases can benefit from earlier intervention with a mediator to short circuit the conflict. Attorneys benefit from early mediation because it helps them settle the cases that can settle. That frees them up to focus on trials for cases that won’t settle.
Here are some ideas for how you can engage the ADR services of a mediator early in your family law case:
Meet and Confer on Steroids.
Every family law attorney is aware of the requirement for the “meet and confer” conference. Too often it’s simply given lip service by a short phone call to opposing counsel without discussing the issues. Because lawyers sometimes give less attention to what needs to happen to settle, the case stalls. Why not have a facilitated meet and confer settlement conference to identify the issues and formulate a plan for a swift conclusion?
Discovery Management.
Often the most expensive part of a case is the discovery, which involves elaborate and arcane procedures to gather as much evidence as possible. Sometimes this is whether the case needs the information or not. The adversarial process spurs less and not more cooperation in discovery. This can lead to months or even years of discovery wars. Why not use a mediator to help “referee” the discovery? Most discovery can be provided informally with much less cost. A mediator can help facilitate the discovery process to specifically target discovery needs and conclude the case with much less rancor and headache for the lawyers and cost to the parties.
Managing the High Conflict Case.
There is a common misconception that people cannot mediate high conflict cases. That’s simply not true. Most high conflict behavior in divorce cases is based on fear and hurt. So, engaging a good mediator early in the process reduces conflict by managing the fight-or-flight response. Court tends to exacerbate and actually encourage high conflict pathologies. Rather than encouraging discord with a fight at court, consider short-circuiting conflict with a mediator experienced in high conflict. Consequently, if parties learn early how to interact productively, it makes the rest of the case go more smoothly.
Use Early Mediation to Resolve Interim Issues.
The terribly backlogged Family Courts sometimes take months to hear even the most routine (and sometimes pressing) interim motions. I can usually help as a mediator to resolve interim questions like support and custody in a fraction of the time and cost compared to filing a Request for Order. Because a mediated settlement conference efficiently resolves interim issues, the parties can relax a little more and focus on concluding the case rather than reacting to interim problems.
Consider a Court-Ordered Family Resolution Plan and Use of ADR Pursuant to Family Code Section 2451.
One little-known provision of the Family Code involves the use of Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR) as part of a court-ordered family centered case resolution plan as described in Family Code section 2451. California Rule of Court 5.83 describes how the plan can be implemented. Parties can appoint a case manager as part of the plan and can also apply Code of Civil Procedure section 639 to appoint the case manager as a discovery referee. Further, Family Code section 2451(a)(3) gives protection to attorneys who follow any discovery plans adopted as part of a court-ordered family resolution plan as follows:
“Limitations on discovery, including temporary suspension pending exploration of settlement. There is a rebuttable presumption that an attorney who carries out discovery as provided in a family centered case resolution plan has fulfilled his or her duty of care to the client as to the existence of community property.”
I have used this procedure to great effect. It can do a lot to reduce costs and keep the case moving quickly towards settlement.
Let Us Move Your Case Past Stuck.
Because there are many ADR options beyond an end-of-case settlement conference where a mediator can make a huge difference, the key is to start early. At Weber Dispute Resolution, we have the training, skills, and experience to get your family law case past stuck. That’s because our approach serves to support existing relationships with legal counsel and will not waste family wealth by exacerbating family conflict. Experience first-hand the difference a dolphin lawyer can make.
[i] Certified Specialist – Family Law, The State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 21, 2023 | Uncategorized
As a certified family law specialist (CLS-F)[i], I have been involved in divorce mediation and alternate dispute resolution (ADR) for more than 15 years. I regularly serve as a pro tem settlement judge on the Mandatory Settlement Conference (MSC) Panel with the San Diego County Superior Court. While I enjoy helping folks through their MSCs, the help is simply too little too late for many people. Often preparation for the MSC is nearly as stressful and costly as preparing for the trial. In addition, lawyers need to certify that discovery is complete and prepare elaborate briefs. Waiting until the very end of a case to attempt mediation does the parties and the professionals a great disservice. I see this in the pained and stressed-out expressions on parties and counsel at the MSCs I facilitate.
There are many options at the beginning of the case to settle issues, manage discovery concerns and resolve unnecessary conflict. Even (and especially) high conflict cases can benefit from earlier intervention with a mediator to short circuit the conflict. Attorneys benefit from early mediation because it helps them settle the cases that can settle. That frees them up to focus on trials for cases that won’t settle.
Here are some ideas for how you can engage the ADR services of a mediator early in your family law case:
Meet and Confer on Steroids.
Every family law attorney is aware of the requirement for the “meet and confer” conference. Too often it’s simply given lip service by a short phone call to opposing counsel without discussing the issues. Because lawyers sometimes give less attention to what needs to happen to settle, the case stalls. Why not have a facilitated meet and confer settlement conference to identify the issues and formulate a plan for a swift conclusion?
Discovery Management.
Often the most expensive part of a case is the discovery, which involves elaborate and arcane procedures to gather as much evidence as possible. Sometimes this is whether the case needs the information or not. The adversarial process spurs less and not more cooperation in discovery. This can lead to months or even years of discovery wars. Why not use a mediator to help “referee” the discovery? Most discovery can be provided informally with much less cost. A mediator can help facilitate the discovery process to specifically target discovery needs and conclude the case with much less rancor and headache for the lawyers and cost to the parties.
Managing the High Conflict Case.
There is a common misconception that people cannot mediate high conflict cases. That’s simply not true. Most high conflict behavior in divorce cases is based on fear and hurt. So, engaging a good mediator early in the process reduces conflict by managing the fight-or-flight response. Court tends to exacerbate and actually encourage high conflict pathologies. Rather than encouraging discord with a fight at court, consider short-circuiting conflict with a mediator experienced in high conflict. Consequently, if parties learn early how to interact productively, it makes the rest of the case go more smoothly.
Use Early Mediation to Resolve Interim Issues.
The terribly backlogged Family Courts sometimes take months to hear even the most routine (and sometimes pressing) interim motions. I can usually help as a mediator to resolve interim questions like support and custody in a fraction of the time and cost compared to filing a Request for Order. Because a mediated settlement conference efficiently resolves interim issues, the parties can relax a little more and focus on concluding the case rather than reacting to interim problems.
Consider a Court-Ordered Family Resolution Plan and Use of ADR Pursuant to Family Code Section 2451.
One little-known provision of the Family Code involves the use of Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR) as part of a court-ordered family centered case resolution plan as described in Family Code section 2451. California Rule of Court 5.83 describes how the plan can be implemented. Parties can appoint a case manager as part of the plan and can also apply Code of Civil Procedure section 639 to appoint the case manager as a discovery referee. Further, Family Code section 2451(a)(3) gives protection to attorneys who follow any discovery plans adopted as part of a court-ordered family resolution plan as follows:
“Limitations on discovery, including temporary suspension pending exploration of settlement. There is a rebuttable presumption that an attorney who carries out discovery as provided in a family centered case resolution plan has fulfilled his or her duty of care to the client as to the existence of community property.”
I have used this procedure to great effect. It can do a lot to reduce costs and keep the case moving quickly towards settlement.
Let Us Move Your Case Past Stuck.
Because there are many ADR options beyond an end-of-case settlement conference where a mediator can make a huge difference, the key is to start early. At Weber Dispute Resolution, we have the training, skills, and experience to get your family law case past stuck. That’s because our approach serves to support existing relationships with legal counsel and will not waste family wealth by exacerbating family conflict. Experience first-hand the difference a dolphin lawyer can make.
[i] Certified Specialist – Family Law, The State Bar of California Board of Legal Specialization.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 20, 2023 | Uncategorized
Alas! A New Year has come and gone again. For most of my current clients, 2023 was a rough year. It brought them the end of their marriages. Although the year may have been filled with conflict with a former spouse over money, kids, etc., you are ready to move on. Perhaps there were tears shed. Maybe dreams were shattered. Sound depressing? It can be. But 2023 is over, so there is an opportunity to build a new experience for the New Year post divorce.
Here are my suggestions for some words to consider when making your resolutions for the New Year post divorce. This is in no way a comprehensive list. It’s just some of my own thoughts. Perhaps you have your own resolution ideas that you would like to share. Here are mine:
Peace in the New Year After Divorce.
You got a divorce for a reason, right? I’m sure things weren’t all butterflies and rainbows. But now you are divorced. So take the opportunity to stop the fighting and discontinue the war with your ex. If there is a legitimate legal concern that needs addressing, use mediation or Collaborative Practice instead of adversarial litigation to resolve those differences. It’s a great opportunity to move on and find peace in the New Year post divorce. A meditation or mindfulness practice can go a long way towards achieving some peace.
Co-Parenting in the New Year After Divorce.
Before your divorce, parenting may have been easier. Post-divorce, you still have to interact with the person you divorced to raise your kids. Your kids need you to get along. There is a lot of evidence that continued parental conflict after the divorce is very harmful to children. Resolve now to be the best co-parent you can be in the New Year post divorce. Look for ways to be cooperative (even when the other parent doesn’t). If you haven’t always been a leader in the child rearing arena, now is the time to step up to the plate and make a helpful contribution. Be the grown up here and your kids will thank you.
Self-reliance in the New Year After Divorce.
Now that you are on your own, you don’t have the other person there to rely on. This is a great opportunity to stand on your own two feet with your head held high. Be your own person. Be strong. Be self-assured. Be independent.
If you are receiving alimony, look for ways to be self-supporting so that you don’t need support anymore. Meet with a vocational counselor to make new career goals. Enroll in school or get trained, or retrained, in a field that you can be passionate about.
Plan for your future financial well-being. So, meet with a financial advisor to make sure you are using your money wisely. Come up with a five year or ten-year plan. Then, check in with an estate planning attorney to make sure you have updated your will and estate plan, as you’ll want to make sure that anything you name in this document goes to the trustee of your choice.
Health in the New Year After Divorce.
Perhaps during 2023 you let the stress of the divorce affect your health. Maybe you didn’t eat well. Perhaps you stopped going to the gym. Or maybe you weren’t sleeping well. Perhaps you were depressed or angry causing your emotional well-being to suffer. Resolve now to restore your health in the New Year post divorce.
Take the time to eat well and exercise. Get good sleep. What’s more, get your annual physical from your doctor and make a plan for your physical health. Take care of your body and it will take care of you.
But don’t forget your emotional health either. Divorce can be such a toxic and painful experience. If you are struggling, meet with a therapist and work through the changes in your life resulting from your divorce. Before you date, make sure that you work though any lingering issues you may have so that you can be your best self before you involve another person in your life. I have noticed a clear correlation in my clients who sought post-divorce therapy and their level of happiness years later.
Forgiveness in the New Year After Divorce.
I know that “forgiveness” is a loaded word. It’s easier said then done. You may feel hurt or anger toward your former spouse. As mentioned before, you’ve lived through the whole process of finding a family lawyer, dealing with the stress of separation, and still taking care of the kids. You chose to divorce for a reason. And yes, consequently, you are divorced now. It’s time to let it go. The past is in the past.
Now keep in mind, I am not suggesting you allow more abuse if that is what happened before. Keep in place whatever safety measure you have to prevent others from hurting you again. I am just suggesting it is time to move on from there. Anger and hurt can be very damaging emotions. Do what you can this year to forgive so that you can leave those terrible feelings behind you. If you find you can’t do it alone (and most can’t) talk to someone. Turn to a spiritual advisor or a mentor to help you leave the past in the past.
Don’t forget to forgive yourself. Guilt has it’s place, but it can eat you up if you can’t get past it. Perhaps you have serious regrets about how your marriage ended. Rather than let the guilt consume you, find a way to learn from the experience, forgive everyone involved and move on.
You have read my list of New Year’s Resolution words for the newly divorced. What are some of your words? I would love to read them!
Related links:
10 Essential New Year’s Resolutions for Your Divorce
12 New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Moms
Top 10 Difficult New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Parents
N
More Reading:
Forgiveness During Divorce: A Key to Finding Peace
Divorce Custom: 7 Post-Split Rituals from Around the World
ew Year’s resolutions, new year post divorce, new year’s divorce, san diego divorce attorney
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 20, 2023 | Uncategorized
Alas! A New Year has come and gone again. For most of my current clients, 2023 was a rough year. It brought them the end of their marriages. Although the year may have been filled with conflict with a former spouse over money, kids, etc., you are ready to move on. Perhaps there were tears shed. Maybe dreams were shattered. Sound depressing? It can be. But 2023 is over, so there is an opportunity to build a new experience for the New Year post divorce.
Here are my suggestions for some words to consider when making your resolutions for the New Year post divorce. This is in no way a comprehensive list. It’s just some of my own thoughts. Perhaps you have your own resolution ideas that you would like to share. Here are mine:
Peace in the New Year After Divorce.
You got a divorce for a reason, right? I’m sure things weren’t all butterflies and rainbows. But now you are divorced. So take the opportunity to stop the fighting and discontinue the war with your ex. If there is a legitimate legal concern that needs addressing, use mediation or Collaborative Practice instead of adversarial litigation to resolve those differences. It’s a great opportunity to move on and find peace in the New Year post divorce. A meditation or mindfulness practice can go a long way towards achieving some peace.
Co-Parenting in the New Year After Divorce.
Before your divorce, parenting may have been easier. Post-divorce, you still have to interact with the person you divorced to raise your kids. Your kids need you to get along. There is a lot of evidence that continued parental conflict after the divorce is very harmful to children. Resolve now to be the best co-parent you can be in the New Year post divorce. Look for ways to be cooperative (even when the other parent doesn’t). If you haven’t always been a leader in the child rearing arena, now is the time to step up to the plate and make a helpful contribution. Be the grown up here and your kids will thank you.
Self-reliance in the New Year After Divorce.
Now that you are on your own, you don’t have the other person there to rely on. This is a great opportunity to stand on your own two feet with your head held high. Be your own person. Be strong. Be self-assured. Be independent.
If you are receiving alimony, look for ways to be self-supporting so that you don’t need support anymore. Meet with a vocational counselor to make new career goals. Enroll in school or get trained, or retrained, in a field that you can be passionate about.
Plan for your future financial well-being. So, meet with a financial advisor to make sure you are using your money wisely. Come up with a five year or ten-year plan. Then, check in with an estate planning attorney to make sure you have updated your will and estate plan, as you’ll want to make sure that anything you name in this document goes to the trustee of your choice.
Health in the New Year After Divorce.
Perhaps during 2023 you let the stress of the divorce affect your health. Maybe you didn’t eat well. Perhaps you stopped going to the gym. Or maybe you weren’t sleeping well. Perhaps you were depressed or angry causing your emotional well-being to suffer. Resolve now to restore your health in the New Year post divorce.
Take the time to eat well and exercise. Get good sleep. What’s more, get your annual physical from your doctor and make a plan for your physical health. Take care of your body and it will take care of you.
But don’t forget your emotional health either. Divorce can be such a toxic and painful experience. If you are struggling, meet with a therapist and work through the changes in your life resulting from your divorce. Before you date, make sure that you work though any lingering issues you may have so that you can be your best self before you involve another person in your life. I have noticed a clear correlation in my clients who sought post-divorce therapy and their level of happiness years later.
Forgiveness in the New Year After Divorce.
I know that “forgiveness” is a loaded word. It’s easier said then done. You may feel hurt or anger toward your former spouse. As mentioned before, you’ve lived through the whole process of finding a family lawyer, dealing with the stress of separation, and still taking care of the kids. You chose to divorce for a reason. And yes, consequently, you are divorced now. It’s time to let it go. The past is in the past.
Now keep in mind, I am not suggesting you allow more abuse if that is what happened before. Keep in place whatever safety measure you have to prevent others from hurting you again. I am just suggesting it is time to move on from there. Anger and hurt can be very damaging emotions. Do what you can this year to forgive so that you can leave those terrible feelings behind you. If you find you can’t do it alone (and most can’t) talk to someone. Turn to a spiritual advisor or a mentor to help you leave the past in the past.
Don’t forget to forgive yourself. Guilt has it’s place, but it can eat you up if you can’t get past it. Perhaps you have serious regrets about how your marriage ended. Rather than let the guilt consume you, find a way to learn from the experience, forgive everyone involved and move on.
You have read my list of New Year’s Resolution words for the newly divorced. What are some of your words? I would love to read them!
Related links:
10 Essential New Year’s Resolutions for Your Divorce
12 New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Moms
Top 10 Difficult New Year’s Resolutions for Divorced Parents
N
More Reading:
Forgiveness During Divorce: A Key to Finding Peace
Divorce Custom: 7 Post-Split Rituals from Around the World
ew Year’s resolutions, new year post divorce, new year’s divorce, san diego divorce attorney
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Sep 15, 2023 | Uncategorized
In recent years, the term “gray divorce” has gained prominence to describe couples who decide to part ways after the age of 50. As the U.S. population continues to age, this trend has become increasingly prevalent. While some may find freedom and relief in this decision, it’s a path fraught with unique challenges, particularly for older couples. In this comprehensive guide, we will delve deep into the considerations that need to be at the forefront of your mind if you’re contemplating a gray divorce.
1. Financial Impact of the Grad Divorce:
When it comes to gray divorce, financial implications are often front and center. Many older couples have spent decades accumulating substantial wealth together, which can complicate the process of dividing assets. It’s imperative to have a clear understanding of your financial landscape, which includes all assets, investments, retirement funds, and debts.
Gray divorce can potentially lead to economic hardship, as your income and assets may significantly diminish post-divorce. It’s wise to consult with financial advisors who specialize in divorce-related financial planning. They can help you develop a comprehensive financial plan that ensures a more secure future.
2. Retirement Plans:
Retirement plans are a pivotal aspect of gray divorces. Unlike younger couples, older folks have less time to recover financially from a divorce, making meticulous retirement planning essential. Each spouse should carefully assess the retirement assets available to them after divorce and how this will affect their future. This might entail adjusting retirement plans or even postponing retirement to secure financial stability.
Additionally, consider consulting with a Certified Financial Planner (CFP) who specializes in retirement planning who also has a special designation called, Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA). A CFP who is also a CDFA can help you make informed decisions about how to manage your retirement accounts during and after a gray divorce.
3. Health Insurance and Medical Costs:
Healthcare is a more significant concern the older we get, and a gray divorce can complicate matters. If one spouse has been dependent on the other’s health insurance, they’ll need to secure their own coverage post-divorce. This often involves researching and purchasing new health insurance policies, which can be complex due to the myriad of options available.
Moreover, as we age, medical costs can increase, and managing these expenses independently can be challenging. It’s crucial to factor these potential costs into your post-divorce budget and explore long-term care insurance options to mitigate future financial burdens.
4. Emotional Well-being in the Gray Divorce:
Divorce is emotionally challenging at any age, but for older spouses, the impact can be particularly profound. The prospect of living alone after decades of marriage can be daunting and lead to feelings of loneliness and depression. It’s essential to address the emotional implications of your gray divorce and seek the necessary support.
Consider engaging with a therapist or counselor who specializes in divorce-related emotional support. They can help you navigate the emotional journey, develop coping strategies, and rebuild your sense of self and purpose.
5. Housing Situation:
Deciding where to live post-divorce is another significant consideration. You may find yourself needing to sell your family home and downsize, which can be an emotional and logistical process. Alternatively, if you choose to keep your home, you’ll need to consider the costs associated with maintaining it on a single income.
A real estate agent specializing in older adult housing can assist you in finding a suitable new residence or evaluating the financial implications of keeping your current home. Additionally, consult with a financial advisor to create a housing budget that aligns with your post-divorce financial situation.
6. Gray Divorce Legal Considerations:
The legal aspects of a gray divorce can be complex and require careful navigation. This may involve updating your will, deciding on power of attorney, or addressing issues related to inheritance and estate planning. Seeking legal counsel is advisable to guide you through this multifaceted process.
When choosing an attorney, be sure to add an expert in estate planning to your team. They can help ensure that your legal affairs are in order and that your wishes regarding inheritance, property division, and medical decisions are properly documented.
7. Social Adjustments with the Gray Divorce:
Older couples contemplating a gray divorce should consider the social adjustments that come with it. Friends and family may react differently to your decision, and adapting to single life can take time. Embrace this transition as an opportunity to explore new interests and activities that align with your newfound independence.
Consider joining social groups, clubs, or organizations that cater to your interests and hobbies. Building a supportive network of friends and acquaintances can provide emotional stability during this period of change.
8. Alternative Dispute Resolution Options:
Finally, in the realm of gray divorce, alternative dispute resolution (ADR) options like collaborative practice and mediation can be particularly beneficial due to the flexibility they afford, especially when compared to the traditional court-based approach.
Collaborative Gray Divorce:
This approach involves you and your spouse working with collaborative divorce professionals, including lawyers, financial experts, and mental health professionals. The aim is to reach a mutually agreeable settlement without going to court. Collaborative practice encourages open communication and problem-solving, which can be especially valuable for older couples seeking an amicable divorce.
Mediation and the Gray Divorce:
Mediation is another no-court option where a neutral mediator helps facilitate discussions between you and your spouse. The mediator helps you reach decisions on issues such as property division, alimony, and child custody. Mediation can be less adversarial and more cost-effective than litigation, making it a suitable choice for gray divorces.
Collaborative Divorce is a great way to address the complicated issues of your gray divorce with maximum support from multiple professional points of view.
Mediation is a flexible and cost-effective no-court option allowing for flexibility and creative solutions in your amicable gray divorce.
Both collaborative practice and mediation prioritize finding common ground and preserving relationships, which can be crucial for older couples who have shared many years together. These methods also tend to be less time-consuming and costly than traditional litigation, allowing you to retain more control over the divorce process and its outcomes.
In conclusion, while a gray divorce can offer a fresh start for some, it is not a decision to be taken lightly. Older couples considering this path need to think about these considerations comprehensively. Seek professional advice from financial advisors, lawyers, therapists, and consider alternative dispute resolution options to ensure a secure, emotionally healthy transition into this new stage of life.
By addressing these considerations proactively and exploring ADR options, you can navigate the complexities of gray divorce with greater confidence and clarity. Remember that you’re not alone on this journey, and there is support available to help you make the transition as smooth as possible.
Helpful Collaborative Divorce Links:
