by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 18, 2015 | Uncategorized
My friend and colleague, San Diego Divorce Attorney Fran Setzer, wrote a great post about using a neutral Child Specialist to help with divorce proceedings.
A neutral Child Specialist, who is a mental health professional experienced with children and divorce, can be an excellent resource for parents and really puts the needs of the children front and center. I am a big fan of bringing the right specialized resource to the right situation. A Child Specialist is the perfect tool when considering the needs of kids in a divorce.
Read Fran’s post at the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego Blog here: http://collaborativefamilylawsandiegoblog.com/do-you-need-a-child-specialist-for-your-divorce/
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 17, 2015 | Uncategorized
Do you want to give your kids a voice?
Issues involving kids and divorce can be tricky. One of the great things about using consensual dispute resolution options like Mediation and Collaborative Practice in your California divorce is that you can give your kids more of a say in how the parenting plan will turn out. This is not to say that you leave the decisions to the kids. It does, however, mean you can hear their voices, which can mean a lot to them, especially if they are old enough to thoughtfully express their preferences. Of course, they will probably want their parents to stay together, but it’s important to hear their opinions. Once they’ve said their thoughts, you can then explain to them that divorce is the best option for all of you. This situation could be eased even more by contacting a castle rock family lawyer to make the situation easier for the child. A family lawyer will be able to navigate the situation in the best way possible for the child, ensuring that they understand the situation.
Not all kids should be given the same level of input. How much you let your kids sway your decision making is up to you. You will want to consider such factors as the child’s maturity level, age, ability to articulate and emotional needs. But if you decide that giving the kids a voice is what you want to do in your family, here are some tips.
Let Your Divorce Mediator Talk to the Kids.
With kids and divorce, it is important to give children a voice. As a mediator, sometimes I will talk to the kids. I only do it if both parents agree that it will be appropriate. Importantly, I never ask the kids, “Where do you want to live.” And speaking of living situations, I always advise that the divorcee that they should never tell him where you live (by him, I mean the ex-husband). It’s for safety reasons. Anyway back to the kids, I will give them the chance in a non-threatening environment to say what is important to them. Writing their responses on a whiteboard and then, with their permission, I boil their thoughts down into a report to share with the parents.
It’s amazing what useful clues I can learn from the kids. In one case, the teenage kids told me that they worry their father will die from his alcohol abuse. In another situation, an over-scheduled child shared that he felt it was hard to relax because of his very busy schedule. He said that he had a hard time “just being a kid.”
Another child volunteered that his complex and confusing parenting schedule made it difficult to adjust to the move from one house to another. As a result, he felt his grades suffering. He expressed that because he was bouncing back and forth so often, he didn’t ever have time to feel at home in either household.
Before I talk to a child, I will get a release to speak to the child’s therapist if available. This gives me the insight to ensure that I spend time with the child appropriately given the child’s emotional circumstances.
Have a Joint Session with Parents and Therapist.
Another option for kids and divorce is to allow the child to articulate her feelings in a joint session with a therapist and parents. The therapist can help everyone find ways to work together for the good of the child. You can also trust that a mental health professional will take care to prevent the talk from becoming inappropriate. It can be a safe way to promote healthy dialogue and to appropriately empower your child.
With Kids and Divorce, Use a Collaborative Child Specialist.
In Collaborative Practice, we use neutral child specialists to make sure that the parenting plan will protect the child’s needs. The child specialist is a mental health professional experienced in helping kids through a divorce. In essence, the child specialist becomes an advocate for the child’s needs.
In the Collaborative Practice model, the work is confidential. As a result, it cannot be used later in court. Everyone can trust that they can be open and frank while working towards solutions. Children in divorce often tell parents what the parents want to hear and not necessarily how the children really feel. But kids will open up to a child specialist, giving her the ability to articulate the children’s unvarnished needs and worries. I have often used neutral child specialists even outside of Collaborative Practice. In my humble opinion, it never hurts to give kids an advocate. Using a trained child specialist is often the perfect solution.
Summary
There are many ways to give your kids a voice. These are just three. While it is generally not a good plan to let the kids feel like they are in charge, it never hurts to give them an opportunity to be heard. You may be surprised what your kids can teach you as you go through your divorce. Often the kids are ahead of the parents in dealing with the heartache and emotions of the split. Considering the kids’ needs and really, truly listening to their point of view can provide tremendous insight and great rewards. Most importantly, your kids will appreciate that you took the time to pay attention.
Read also:
Doing your Divorce with a Child Specialist: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/do-you-need-a-child-specialist-for-your-divorce/
Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/why-fair-is-the-f-word-in-divorce-negotiations/
Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/five-tips-to-have-a-miserable-divorce/
How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/divorce-mediation-cost/
Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/forgiveness-during-divorce/
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Dec 7, 2015 | Uncategorized
Many folks express a desire to keep the house in the divorce.
This is usually done by buying out the other party’s interest in the residence. This involves not only paying off the former spouse for his or her half of the equity, but usually involves a refinance to move the mortgage into your name only. While keeping the house may sound like what you want, it is very often a poor decision. It won’t be helpful to make yourself house poor to keep the house. Here are some points to consider when considering whether it’s a good idea to keep the residence or not:
To keep the house in the divorce is probably not about the kids.
While you may be thinking that the kids will need you to keep the house in the divorce, the reality is that it is often not true that a move will harm the children. Surely the kids won’t benefit if you put yourself into bankruptcy. Be careful that your thoughts and emotions are clear so that you are not allowing your own emotions and insecurities to cloud your judgment.
Don’t give away your retirement to keep the house in the divorce.
People will often try to find money in their retirement assets to trade for the residence buyout. While retirement may seem far away, it may be closer than your realize. Think twice about raiding your retirement. You won’t be able to enjoy your real estate in your old age if you can’t retire. Therefore, do not overdo it when it comes to keeping the house in the divorce. It may deplete your current savings.
Consider costs of sale.
If you sell your house as part of the divorce proceeding, you will be able to split the costs of the sale. In the event you do a buy-out, you will be stuck with the entire burden of costs of sale should you choose to sell later. The Courts rarely give a credit to the person keeping the residence for potential costs of sale. Additionally, there are usually substantial points and fees required for a refinance.
Consider your cash flow.
Remember, owning a house costs money. Make sure after support, you have sufficient cash flow to maintain the residence, mortgage, property taxes, maintenance, HOA fees, etc. You don’t want to be in a situation where you are cash poor and unable to pay your bills.
Talk to a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA)
Don’t rely on your lawyer for financial advice in making the important decision of whether to keep the house. You may find that it makes perfect sense to keep it, but make sure that you receive advice to help you plan for how you will do and how you will make keeping the house part of an overall strategy for your future. Hire a financial professional to get the best advice you can.
Many of my clients do choose to keep the house in the divorce. I feel better about those clients who consider the question carefully and weigh all of the relevant information before making a choice.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Oct 7, 2015 | Uncategorized
I will often receive a call from a potential client interested in a San Diego divorce mediation, but who is a little apprehensive because their spouse has had a history of coercion, manipulation and bullying. The question then arises as to whether mediation is really the appropriate venue to resolve the case. Many of my peers may disagree with me, but a good mediator can successfully resolve almost any case. Here are some points to consider for a successful divorce mediation when your spouse is a bully:
Check to make sure you have a well-trained mediator.
Mediating a case where there is a history of coercion or manipulation is advanced work and not for the faint of heart. You need to make sure that your mediator has the skill, background and personality to ensure a level playing field. It may be a good idea to bring up your concerns in a caucus session so that the mediator is aware.
Make sure you consult with an attorney.
Mediation is actually without risk because the mediator makes no decisions in your case. She can only help facilitate the discussion. Nothing becomes binding until you sign the marital settlement agreement. You would be wise, however, to work with advising counsel throughout the mediation process. Come to mediation sessions armed with knowledge of your rights and what the law may or may not provide. Under no circumstances should you ever feel pressure to sign any documents without first having had the opportunity to review it with your attorney. If you continue to feel uncomfortable, you may want your attorney to attend mediation with you.
Consider hiring a divorce coach or a therapist.
You need to bring your best self to the mediation sessions. To avoid falling into the same old patterns where you may have been manipulated or coerced in the past, it is wise to meet with a mental health professional knowledgable in divorce issues to prepare you for the sessions so that you can avoid getting your buttons pushed. You can find divorce coaches by looking up your local Collaborative Practice group. In San Diego, you can go here: http://www.collaborativefamilylawsandiego.com.
Demand Full Financial Disclosure.
In successful mediation, disclosure is essential. Make no decisions without having had the opportunity to thoroughly review all material financial information. A financial disclosure should also include back-up statements and documents. Like in the cold war, it’s “Trust but Verify.” You may consider having a financial professional such as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) review the disclosures to uncover any “red flags” deserving additional investigation.
Stand Your Ground.
Bullies often bluster and threaten. More often than not, the threats are empty. If you prepare yourself, you need not be intimidated. Often times, abusive relationship involve a sort of abuse dance. You don’t have to dance anymore. You are getting divorced. You are intelligent. You are certainly not stupid. Stand on your own two feet and rely on your support system to be strong.
If there is physical intimate partner violence, think twice.
It is one thing to be a bit of a blowhard and a verbal bully. It’s entirely different when the situation involved physical violence. Do not trifle with domestic violence. If that is happening, mediation is very difficult. However, even in such situations, mediation can be appropriate with safeguards in place. For instance, you can be in separate rooms at all times or you can demand anger management counseling. In any case, make sure you have trained professionals who know what they are doing. If for one moment, you do not feel safe, you can withdraw. However, as a general rule, physical intimate partner violence presents a huge red flag.
San Diego Divorce Mediation, San Diego Divorce Mediator, San Diego Divorce Mediation, Solana Beach, Shawn Weber, San Diego Divorce Attorney
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Oct 1, 2015 | Uncategorized
When getting divorced, some couples are able to remain civil throughout the process. Others need help from family law lawyers like jennifer croker. And a few add chaos to the whole process because they’re in such bad conflict. The worse the conflict, the harder the separation process can be so how can you manage it successfully?
In my years as a consensual dispute resolution professional, I have gotten to know a lot of professionals who try to manage conflict in divorce and family law situations. Some are very successful… and others not so much. I have compiled a list of my top five principles for successful family law conflict managers.
1. PATIENCE
This is not a race. Parties involved in a divorce are in crisis both emotionally and often financially. Don’t expect them to just reach a compromise in five minutes. The temptation is to try to “cut to the chase.” After all, we probably have an idea of where the settlement is long before the parties do because of our experience. But the parties need to “own” the agreement and they can’t if we just decide it for them and then try to force it on them.
Our job is NOT to twist arms. Our job in successful dispute resolution is to help the parties find solutions. In my experience, arm-twisting rarely results in a lasting settlement. It does, however, leave a terrible taste in the mouth of the person whose arm you just twisted. If people feel pressured or forced, we may reach a settlement, but it is unlikely we will have been able to help the parties reach a transformative outcome. Worst of all, they will resent us.
Rather, we should let the case proceed organically. We will guide, inspire and motivate– but never, ever force.
2. HUMILITY
Newsflash! It’s the parties’ case- not yours. Your job is to help guide people to a respectful outcome. You are not the finder of solutions or the sage of wisdom. Your job is to shine a light on problems and help the parties find their own solutions.
I have seen mediators brandish their stats as a weapon in mediation. For example, parties may be stuck at impasse and the mediator says, “I have a 98% settlement rate and you are ruining my statistics!” Your dispute resolution statistics, as far as the parties are concerned, are completely irrelevant to their problems. Sure, you try and find solutions, but the moment you invest yourself personally invested in the outcome as a matter of pride, you are doing your parties a huge disservice.
In my experience, most of the best ideas come from the parties not me. While I sometimes see myself as the “brainstormer-in-chief” trying to provide as many ideas as possible that the parties may not yet have thought of, I never lose site of the reality that the case belongs to the parties. My most important job in brainstorming, however, is not to be the one with the great idea. Rather, I strive to create an environment were the parties can find the solutions on their own. I am the facilitator. I am not the decider. My personal pride is not important.
3. EMPATHY
Perhaps the most important skill a mediator can learn is the ability to listen. I am not talking about the superficial surface listening. I mean deep, empathic listening.
To help parties settle, you have to really understand the conflict. This requires more than just listening to words. You need pay attention to body language and non-verbal cues. Prepare yourself to dig deep to find out what really motivates a party and what his or her interests truly are. Yes, she may be telling you that it is about the house or the best interests of the kids. But maybe down deep, she is really just afraid or insecure about her future. In such a situation, no financial settlement can satisfy the party who is afraid until the fear is acknowledged and addressed. This may take some digging to find, but until you do, you won’t help the parties reach a lasting settlement.
I find that I have to make sure I listen with more than just my ears. I also listen with my eyes, my heart and my soul.
Good dispute resolution requires your humanity. Remember, this isn’t just a legal process; it’s a human experience. Until we can get into the world our clients are experiencing, we are limited in what we can help them unlock for themselves. “Family law at its heart is concerned with human condition and the resolution of the myriad of tragedies that flow from it in all its chaotic splendour”, Deputy Head of International Family Justice for England and Wales International Academy of Family Lawyers writes in the official Peters And May blog.
4. FLEXIBILITY
Because I work with people, I have learned to be ready and open for the unexpected. People don’t fit into compartments. My dispute resolution process, therefore, needs to have flexibility built in. A good mediator or dispute resolver can pivot quickly. Rigidity is the enemy of success when people are involved.
My mantra is “People before process.” While we may be very proud of our protocols and systems, the moment we allow them to drown out the needs of the clients, we miss the whole point of our service-to guide and help PEOPLE. We will keep our processes and protocols, but won’t be afraid to modify when the needs of the parties dictate a change.
5. PRINCIPLED BOUNDARIES
While it is important to be empathic and flexible, it is still important to have principles and boundaries, which we don’t compromise. For instance, I don’t ever let a party compromise my neutrality. I also insist on clarity surrounding how a party can communicate with me outside of the dispute resolution process. I guard my weekends and off hours, which are reserved for my own family. These and other principles and boundaries will not only preserve my own sanity, but they also communicate to the client that this is a business transaction and that there is a professional process that is deserving of respect.
While I am all about compassion and kindness, I am not a family member or a friend. I am a professional with a job to do. I do that job best when there are boundaries. Whenever I have allowed a boundary to be compromised, I regret it because the case almost always will go south.
I have found these principles to be crucial to my own practice. Perhaps you have other principles you would like to share. Let me know what works for you!
Read also:
Dolphin Lawyering: Why I can be an advocate without being a shark
We don’t get along very well. How can we possibly mediate our divorce?
Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations
