Can you believe it’s back to school time already? Divorced parents need to make some specific preparations for a successful school year. Photo Wokandpix/Creative Commons License
Can you believe it’s already time for 60 million American kids to go back to school? Didn’t we just start summer?
Mixed feelings are natural at this time of year for everyone. Kids are sad about summer being over so quickly. But they are likely to be excited and happy to see friends and get involved in favorite activities like athletics, music, or robotics.
But if you are a divorced parent navigating co-parenting, back to school is a little more complicated. Who pays for what? What activities will the child get to be involved in? Who does the school call if there is a problem? Who gets to chaperone the field trip? What school will your child will attend, near Dad’s house or Mom’s house?
The phone starts ringing at Weber Dispute Resolution at this time of year. Parents having trouble solving these issues come to us for help mediating their conflicts. We are glad they do, instead of taking their problems to court. If you need the same help for yourself or your clients, we hope to hear from you.
We offer these tips to help you start working through problems and considering your options.
Get on the same page about routines.
Get on the same page about school routines. Photo: Luci/Creative Commons License
Don’t make school any more complicated than necessary. Kids do better if you and your co-parent agree on routines, and so will you. Meet before school starts without the kids in a neutral location to discuss the routine details first. Some areas for discussion:
Emergency contacts and emergency procedures
Instructions about academics and schoolwork
Disciplinary issues
Transportation and pick-up
After-school activities
Once you agree, write it all down and share the plan with your children.
Deal with school expenses up front.
Custodial parents usually find themselves paying up front for back-to-school wardrobes and school supplies and then ask for half of the expenses. But even when parents agree to split the cost, sometimes one parent has very different ideas about how much to spend on things like clothes. Set a budget up front you can both live with. Keep copies of the receipts so you have a record of what you’re owed.
Share school supplies information.
You may be the parent in charge of school shopping, but your ex might want to be involved. Let’s say your kid is in their last year of high school and wants to buy some gifts for their classmates to keep as memories of their time together. They might come to either of you to request the purchase. However, keeping the other one involved – whether you’re going to a store to buy keepsakes or heading online to Jostens or similar stores for the same – might be in your best interest so as to avoid any conflicts. If you do decide to go alone, make sure both of you have talked in advance about what Jim or Jane get to give their friends as a memorable keepsake. Purchases like this on a whim rarely end up without an argument and upset parents and kids.
Figure out what extra-curricular activities will be added – and paid for.
Are your kids into sports? Drama? Robotics? After school activities take time and money. Be sure you agree which parent is contributing both. Photo: KeithJJ/Creative Commons
Outside of the classroom, many kids want to participate in sports, music, drama, debate, student government, robotics or other science competitions. These activities can build valuable skills and develop passions your kids may follow into careers. But they also put a strain on your schedule and your budget. When time and money aren’t unlimited, you and your co-parent have to decide up front what’s realistic for your child and what’s not. Who is going to provide the transportation, and pay the fees?
Coordinate everyone’s calendars.
There are going to be lots of events when school starts: sports and music practices, meets, science fairs, concerts, etc. And you think your workday is busy! Coordinate the school calendar with your parenting schedule. You want to make sure your child is able to attend important events. Have calendars in each house, one in your child’s backpack and give one to teachers or coaches to show which parent he will be with.
Negotiate attendance at school events.
Agree in advance to be courteous to one another at school events so you can attend at the same time. You can suck it up for the hour it takes every few months. If this is really, truly not possible, arrange to attend on different nights or at different times.
Meet the new teacher.
Meet your child’s teacher and stay in communication. Photo: Kevin Lopez/Creative Commons License
Divorced or not, it is always good to meet with your child’s new teacher. Let her or him know your child comes from a divorced home or a shared custody home. Children of divorce and separation often act out at school, have emotional moments, or just a bad day. Your child’s teacher should know what’s going on. But keep teachers and school personnel out of any conflicts between you and your former spouse.
Share information about your child’s education and progress.
Don’t play games or create obstacles for the noncustodial parent to get information. Unless you have a protective order, give permission to the children’s teachers, counselors, and medical professionals to share school information with both parents.
Arrange for duplicate notifications.
Information should be shared with both parents. It can be useful to arrange for separate, duplicate notifications about academic progress and school activities so one parent is not responsible for copying and sending information to the other, including anything like schoolwork or forms your child brings home; Do NOT make your child the responsible party.
A written record can help keep legal issues straight and problems from escalating. If you have a contentious relationship with your co-parent, why fan the flames at all? Arrange up front for a neutral third party like a mediator to be the point of mutual contact between you to ensure civility and cooperation.
Remember who school is for. It’s not a battleground to establish who is the better parent.
Remember, school is for your kids – not a battleground for you and your ex. Photo: Ernesto Silva/Creative Commons License
It’s great for you to be involved with your children, but don’t get into a competition with your former spouse. Your child is still dealing with your divorce no matter how long ago it happened while juggling the demands of school. Let school be your kid’s refuge, a place for him or her to have fun, learn, achieve and excel, and forget about difficult family issues.
No matter what, you can’t go wrong making a decision if you stop and ask yourself this: what’s in the best interest of my child? You get an A-plus.
If another recession is looming in 2019, it could greatly affect decision making during a divorce.
It has been nearly a decade since the Great Recession. Since then, the U.S. economy has rebounded and then some. Unemployment is at record low levels, and people were finally starting to breathe easier about their financial circumstances.
But economists will tell you that recessions are cyclical and follow periods of strong growth, like the one we have recently enjoyed. It is likely another recession looms ahead. It could be mild or it could be more serious.
During the last recession, so many couples came to my office making decisions about their divorce to try and avoid financial hardships. Divorces during a recession can be different. Here are some thoughts based on my experiences.
Financial Strains Make Decisions for Divorce During a Recession More Difficult
Unemployment puts a tremendous strain on any marriage. Often it was the catalyst or the “final straw” and divorce was the result. Divorce itself is financial straining. Add a recession to the mix, and the circumstances were catastrophic for everyone.
First, homes and other real estate had lost value. It meant in many cases couple had negative equity – they owed more than their real estate was worth. Sometimes people could afford a buy out allowing them to keep the house if credit was available. But in the last recession, banks became stingy about lending. People simply could not get loans to refinance the house.
So there were many couples who made the decision to defer sales—meaning they co-owned their real estate until a later time. Divorcing couples might even choose to live together in the family home even after legally divorcing, because there was no other option without losing money on the sale.
If a couple couldn’t make any of these options work. the alternative was to sell the home in a bad market. When this was the last resort, there were many short sales.
Others suffered from foreclosures on their property. Often bankruptcy wasn’t far behind.
Kids Take A Financial Hit
Couples would disenroll their kids from private schools, or take them out of expensive extracurricular programs like sports or music to save costs.
Health insurance was a big deal. If a spouse lost work and lost health insurance coverage from their former employer, couples might end up bearing the cost on their own, putting strain on their family. Sometimes a spouse in the role of full-time parent was counting on healthcare coverage from the working spouse. But after a divorce during a recession, they would face being cut off.
People who divorced prior to the recession suddenly found themselves unable to pay their monthly support payments, and would fall behind. The ex-spouse and the kids suffered from losing the income. Tensions would flare and fights over money would affect co-parenting relationships.
Gray Divorce Offers Unique Financial Issues
Divorcing close to your retirement date introduces new considerations, especially in tough economic times.
For divorcing couples close to retirement, which started being referred to as “grey divorces,” their retirement accounts including IRAs and 401(k)s tanked right before they had to count on them for income. This is hard enough when married, but when a couple splits up in their 60s or 70s, the financial hit is devastating. There wasn’t enough time to recover before retiring.
It’s hard to determine whether divorce rates increased or decreased during the last recession. One theory is that financial strains on marriages caused more couples to divorce. But it’s also possible some people chose not to divorce during a recession because they just couldn’t afford it.
Impact of Impending Recession on Your Divorce
It’s my belief recession is inevitable, and not too far off. For couples contemplating divorce during tough financial times, economic decisions will affect many aspects of their lives during a divorce.
Divorce is hard enough on a family. Divorce affected by a financial recession is even worse. If divorce during a recession becomes inevitable, people can lessen the financial burden by pursuing mediation and other no-court options. These options give people the opportunity to divorce for less money. They also allows couples to find creative solutions when dividing financial assets, figuring out ways to pay for their children’s education, or preserving retirement funds.
Confidentiality has always been one of the cornerstones and significant advantages of mediation over litigation. Unlike mediation, all of the documents and statements in court are a public record, there for everyone to read and hear – including your relatives, co-workers, neighbors and friends.
Now, despite overwhelming concern from many major legal organizations and experts that it was a fix for a non-existent problem, California Governor Jerry Brown has signed a new law passed by the state legislature which changes the California Evidence Code and adds a new section in connection with mediation.
The new law requires attorneys representing clients in mediation to provide disclosures in writing about mediation confidentiality. The attorney must provide the disclosures to clients BEFORE the client agrees to participation in mediation, or AFTER if the client hires the attorney after agreeing to mediation. The law tells attorneys what this disclosure must say and how it must be formatted. The client must sign the disclosure form. The law goes into effect on January 1, 2019.
If you are an attorney who represents a party who agrees to engage a mediator such as Weber Dispute Resolution, it is YOUR responsibility to comply with this new law.
How to Comply with California’s New Mediation Disclosure Requirement
To make it a bit easier to comply with the new California Evidence Code section requirements, Weber Dispute Resolution has created a draft form which complies with the requirements of the California Evidence Code starting in 2019.
If you are an attorney representing a client who decides to enter mediation, you MUST provide this form to your client prior to the start of the mediation process.
If you are an attorney who is hired by a client who has already agreed to enter mediation before hiring you, you STILL must provide this form, even though you are being hired after the fact.
Along the banks of the Ho Truc Bach Lake in downtown Hanoi, Vietnam is a monument sculpted from stone.
It’s an image of a person with arms raised and head lowered. The monument portrays the fateful moment in October 1967 when then U.S. Navy pilot John McCain was captured. The monument text, roughly translated, reads:
“On 26 October 1967 near Truc Bach Lake in the capital, Hanoi, the citizens and military caught Pilot John Sidney McCain. The US Navy Air Force Aviator was flying aircraft A4, which crashed near Yen Phu power station. This was one of ten aircraft shot down that same day.”[1]
The John S. McCain monument at Bruc Back Lake. Photo: Jim Bryant, U.S. Navy
Fast forward to August 27, 2018.
A 62-year-old Vietnamese man, Pham Van Khanh, brought flowers to the McCain monument in Hanoi.[2] He joined countless other Vietnamese who wished to honor their former captive.[3]
Even McCain’s jailer and operator of the prison, former Col. Tran Trong Duyet, said, “When I learnt about his death early this morning, I feel very sad. I would like to send condolences to his family. I think it’s the same feeling for all Vietnamese people as he has greatly contributed to the development of Vietnam-U.S. relations.”[4]
How could a nation that reviled and tortured the late Senator have such love for him after his death? Because of Senator McCain’s work along with former Senator and Vietnam Veteran John Kerry to normalize relations with Vietnam, the Vietnamese government now reveres him as a “symbol of his generation” who helped “heal the wounds of war.”[5] This mutual respect between Senator McCain and his former captors exemplifies the many times McCain rose well-above a conflict to find common ground and to make peace.
John McCain with his Navy Squadron (botrrom right). Photo: Library of Congress
I have never met Senator John McCain, but as a professional peacemaker I relate to his peacemaking words and consider him a peacemaking soulmate.
We all know the story of how McCain was shot down over Vietnam, beginning his terrifying and heroic stay at the infamous Hanoi Hilton prison. Refusing to be released before his brothers-in-arms, the North Vietnamese tortured him mercilessly and placed him in solitary confinement.[6]
His captors didn’t release McCain until after the signing of the Paris Peace Accords on March 14, 1973. Though free, he carried substantial injuries for the rest of his life.
As a Senator, he was known for his work across the political aisle. Sometimes he angered the more strident members of his party for taking the higher ground.
Senator McCain admits to his imperfections, and has apologized for his less than peaceful remarks at times.
For example, he famously used a racial slur to describe his captors, feeling he had a right to describe his former captors with any language he chose. He later reconsidered and apologized, and removed the word from his vocabulary.[7]
This man is considered a hero today in large part because he made a career of rising above the fray of the negative discourse that pervades American politics today. Perhaps most famously, he defended Barrack Obama against people who accused Obama of being “Arab”, saying “No ma’am. He’s a decent family man and citizen that I just happened to have disagreements with on fundamental issues.”
Senator John McCain meets with President Barack Obama in the Oval Office in 2011. Photo: Pete Souza, White House Photo Office
It’s telling that two of his principle political rivals, Former President’s Obama and Bush, will eulogize him at his memorial service.[8]
John McCain’s thoughts on the need to ‘win’ at all costs
Most recently, when speaking to the Senate with a request for a return to regular order in the Senate in the wake of a difficult debate on healthcare reform in 2017, McCain said the following to support his plea:
“I’ve known and admired men and women in the Senate who played much more than a small role in our history, true statesmen, giants of American politics. They came from both parties, and from various backgrounds. Their ambitions were frequently in conflict. … And they often had very serious disagreements about how best to serve the national interest.
“But they knew that however sharp and heartfelt their disputes, however keen their ambitions, they had an obligation to work collaboratively to ensure the Senate discharged its constitutional responsibilities effectively.
“Both sides have let this happen. Let’s leave the history of who shot first to the historians. I suspect they’ll find we all conspired in our decline – either by deliberate actions or neglect. We’ve all played some role in it. Certainly I have. ….
“Incremental progress, compromises that each side criticize but also accept, just plain muddling through to chip away at problems and keep our enemies from doing their worst isn’t glamorous or exciting. It doesn’t feel like a political triumph. But it’s usually the most we can expect from our system of government, operating in a country as diverse and quarrelsome and free as ours.
“…. It is our responsibility to preserve that, even when it requires us to do something less satisfying than ‘winning.’ Even when we must give a little to get a little. Even when our efforts manage just three yards and a cloud of dust, while critics on both sides denounce us for timidity, for our failure to ‘triumph.’
“I hope we can again rely on humility, on our need to cooperate, on our dependence on each other to learn how to trust each other again and by so doing better serve the people who elected us.”
John McCain was a peacemaker
Senator John McCain walks with Vice President Mike Pence on the 75th anniversary of the Pearl Harbor attack in Honolulu, Hawaii. Photo: US Army. Jose A. Torres, Jr.
I read the words spoken by Senator McCain last year and listened to them again. I have a soulmate in Senator McCain. We have never met, but as a professional peacemaker I relate to his peacemaking words.
I have often thought the woes of Washington, D.C. could be greatly reduced if some mediators could head to Capitol Hill. We professional peacemakers understand that peace and agreement requires people who disagree to disagree agreeably. “Compromise” is not a dirty word. Rather, a compromise allows for differing people to find a common ground. The all-or-nothing subjective myths of “justice” or “fairness” give way to the higher principles of collaboration, mutual respect and peace.
As a divorce mediator, I am involved in helping people find pathways to settlement in the toughest of times.
There are very few experiences as heart-wrenching and personally painful as divorce. Consequently, my aim is to help others learn how to work together while experiencing peace. It’s possible.
Senator McCain’s approach to politics parallels my Dolphin Lawyering philosophy and approach to dispute resolution. Unlike some of my shark-like colleagues in the legal profession, I strive for a more humane approach encouraging peaceful outcomes. I therefore live by the creed, “It’s not just a legal process; it’s a human experience.”
Like Senator McCain, I look back on the contentious moments of my past career as a divorce litigator. Similarly, I realize that at times I didn’t always live up to my greatest ideal. But whenever I have embraced peacemaking and mutual respect, I have not only worked as an instrument for others to find peace, but I have experienced my greatest professional joy: helping others.
While many may disagree with political stands by Senator McCain, perhaps we can take his life as a shining example of a peacemaker a person of any political persuasion can follow. I, for one, am certainly grateful for his imperfect, yet sincere example.
I regularly serve as a pro tem settlement judge on the Mandatory Settlement Conference (MSC) Panel with the San Diego County Superior Court. While I enjoy helping folks through their MSCs, the help is simply too little too late for many people.
Often, the preparation for the MSC is nearly as stressful and costly as preparing for the trial itself for everyone involved including the attorneys, clients, and other professionals who may be involved.
Lawyers need to certify that discovery is complete and prepare elaborate briefs. Waiting until the very end of a case to attempt mediation does the parties and the professionals a great disservice. The pained and stressed-out expressions on the faces of the parties and counsel at the MSCs I facilitate say it all.
Better Options for Settling Cases: Early Mediation
If your family law case is at a crossroads, consider mediation to take it from conflict to quick conclusion. Photo: Geralt/Pixabay
There are many options near the beginning of the case to settle issues, manage discovery concerns, and resolve unnecessary conflict. Even (and especially) high conflict cases can benefit from earlier intervention with a mediator to short circuit the conflict. Attorneys benefit from early mediation because it helps them settle the cases with a realistic chance of settling successfully. It frees them up to focus on trials for cases that won’t settle.
Here are some ideas for how you can engage the ADR services of a mediator early in your family law case.
Meet and Confer – On Steroids
Every family law attorney is aware of the requirement for the “meet and confer” conference. Too often it’s simply given lip service by a short phone call to opposing counsel without discussing the issues. Because lawyers sometimes give less attention to what needs to happen to settle, the case stalls.
Why not have a facilitated meet and confer settlement conference to identify the issues and formulate a plan for a swift conclusion?
Discovery Management At Lower Cost
Often the most expensive part of a case is the discovery, which involves elaborate and arcane procedures to gather as much evidence as possible. Sometimes this takes place whether the case needs the information or not. The adversarial process spurs less and not more cooperation in discovery. As a result, parties can face months or even years of time-consuming, expensive discovery wars.
Why not use a mediator to help “referee” the discovery? Most discovery can be provided informally at much less cost. A mediator can help facilitate the discovery process to specifically target discovery needs. The mediator can help everyone conclude the case with fewer headaches and less stress for the lawyers. This results in a lower cost for the parties.
Successfully Managing the High Conflict Case
You don’t have to endure the nuclear option in a high conflict case. Mediation can be highly successful. Photo: Alex Andropov86/Pixabay
There is a common misconception that people cannot mediate high conflict cases. It’s simply not true.
Most high conflict behavior in divorce cases is based on fear and hurt. That’s because Court proceedings tend to exacerbate and actually encourage high conflict responses. So, engaging a good mediator early in the process reduces conflict by managing the fight-or-flight response.
Rather than encouraging conflict including ugly public fights in court, consider short-circuiting conflict with a mediator experienced in high conflict. If the parties learn early how to interact productively, it then makes the rest of the case go more smoothly, and often more quickly.
Use Early Intervention Through Mediation to Resolve Interim Issues
The terribly backlogged family courts sometimes take months to hear even the most routine (and sometimes pressing) interim motions. Working with you and your clients in mediation, I can help you resolve interim questions like support and custody in a fraction of the time and cost compared to filing a Request for Order. Because a mediated settlement conference efficiently resolves interim issues, the parties can relax a little more. Instead of reacting to ongoing problems, people can focus on concluding the case.
Consider a Court-Ordered Family Centered Case Resolution Plan Per Family Code Section 2451
Court ordered family centered case resolution plan under the California Family Code Section 2451 is a valuable tool in your toolkit.
One little-known Family Code provisions involves the use of Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR) as part of a court-ordered family centered case resolution plan. It is described in Family Code Section 2451. Additionally, California Rule of Court 5.83 describes how to implement the plan. Parties can appoint a case manager as part of the plan. They can also apply Code of Civil Procedure Section 639 to appoint the case manager as a discovery referee. Further, Family Code Section 2451 (a)(3) gives protection to attorneys who follow any discovery plans adopted as part of a court-ordered family resolution plan as follows:
“Limitations on discovery, including temporary suspension pending exploration of settlement. There is a rebuttable presumption that an attorney who carries out discovery as provided in a family centered case resolution plan has fulfilled his or her duty of care to the client as to the existence of community property.”
This Family Code section 2451 procedure has been effective in my experience. It can do a lot to reduce costs, and keep the case moving quickly towards settlement.
Because there are many ADR options beyond an end-of-case settlement conference where a mediator can make a huge difference, the key is to start early. Call on Weber Dispute Resolution to help. We have the training, skills, and experience to get your family law case past stuck. Our approach serves to support existing relationships with legal counsel, and will preserve the family’s wealth by reducing family conflict. Peace of mind is priceless.
mediation over litigation. Unlike mediation, all of the documents and statements in court are a public record, there for everyone to read and hear – including your relatives, co-workers, neighbors and friends.
