What’s the difference between a divorce and an annulment?
I often have a potential client call me and say that he or she wants a marriage annulment. Often the request is based on confusion about the differences between an annulment and a divorce. The differences are profound and I will attempt to lay them out here.
Dissolution of Marriage
First, a divorce is a dissolution of a marriage. In other words, we take a marriage that existed and terminate it. We speak in terms of “length of the marriage” being the period between the date of marriage and the date of separation. To get a divorce in California, a person must have lived within the State of California for six months and the county of residence for at least three months before filing. There is also a six-month waiting period from when the Petition for Dissolution of Marriage is served before the divorce can be granted. With divorce come the issues of spousal support (or alimony) and division of community property.
Annulment
In contrast, if the court grants an annulment (or nullity), it is as if the marriage never existed. Crucially, a person does not need to meet the residency requirements. There is no six-month waiting period before the annulment is granted. Because the marriage never technically existed, issues of spousal support and community property typically (with some exceptions that I won’t get into here) fall by the wayside.
There are strict requirements for getting an annulment in California.
To get an annulment in California, the Court requires that there are specific “grounds”. The available grounds for a nullity are:
One of the parties was below the age of consent at the time of marriage (Cal. Fam. §2210(a));
One of the parties had a prior existing marriage to another person believed to be dead, but isn’t (Cal. Fam. §2210(b));
A party was of unsound mind at the time of marriage (Cal. Fam. §2210(c));
A party obtained the consent marry by fraud (Cal. Fam. §2210(d);
A party obtained the consent to marry by force (Cal. Fam. §2210(e); or
Either party was, at the time of marriage, physically incapable of entering into the marriage state, and that incapacity continues and appears to be incurable. (Cal. Fam. §2210(f)).
A party seeking an annulment must prove that one of the above grounds is met. Otherwise, the court won’t grant the nullity and the party will need to seek a divorce.
In my divorce mediation career, I’ve learned over the years that people approach divorce from different places. Sometimes people want the divorce very badly and are happy to get started. Others are devastated by the breakup.
It’s not uncommon for a couple in the process of their separation to move at different speeds. One party may be ready to move quickly while the other spouse may be having a terrible time and may need to move more slowly. In my experience, the divorce mediation will only move as quickly as the slowest person. That can be very frustrating to the spouse who wants it over with. My best advice is to take your time and give the other person the time and space he or she needs.
Divorce can feel like a death.
In her seminal work, on Death and Dying, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross describes the “Five Stages of Grief”. They are Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Divorce professionals have learned to spot these very same stages and patterns when people face the loss of their marriage during a divorce. (See The Emotional Stages of Divorce: What to Expect During and After the Divorce ProcessThe Emotional Stages of Divorce: What to Expect During and After the Divorce Process) We’ve learned that people are unable to effectively deal with the present issues of the divorce without reaching the point of acceptance that the divorce is happening. But to get to acceptance, people first need to travel through the other four grief stages. That can take some time. If you’ve sat with your decision to divorce for awhile before breaking it to your spouse, it is likely that you went through the five stages of grief on your own before reaching your own point of acceptance. Your spouse, who may be just learning of your intention to divorce is late to the grief cycle. You’ll need to afford him or her some patience and time to work through it.
If you’ve been sitting with your decision to divorce for awhile before breaking it to your spouse, it is likely that you went through the five stages of grief on your own before reaching your own point of acceptance. Your spouse, who may be just learning of your intention to divorce is late to the grief cycle. You’ll need to afford him or her some patience and time to work through it.
Forcing a person to complete a divorce case before completing the grief process can be problematic.
First, a rushed agreement is rarely followed.
The person who is rushed will resent the process and will likely make efforts to undermine or to revise the agreement. Worse, a party who agreed under duress would have grounds to set aside the settlement altogether. It is better to take the time to get the settlement right so that there is buy-in from both parties.
Second, pushing the slower party often has the opposite of the intended effect.
If you own a dog, you may very well know the behavior that happens when you try to pull on a dog’s leash. The dog will tug in the opposite direction or may even stubbornly stop moving or sit down. In divorce mediation, trying to rush a party often has the same effect. The slower spouse who is rushed may even slow down more.
Third, not allowing the slower spouse room to accept and deal emotionally with the divorce mediation process can lead the pushed spouse to choose more aggressive and expense processes such as divorce litigation.
Trust me, the wheels of justice at court will turn even slower. So it’s best to work with your spouse to try to reach consensus. But if that consensus doesn’t come overnight, it’s not the end of the world. Letting your spouse have the time in a safe space to deliberate, review financials and consult with a lawyer is best even for the faster spouse because pushing a person too hard can lead to a much slower court process.
In Divorce Mediation, Slower is Faster.
So be patient and compassionate towards your soon-to-be ex. Let him or her have time to deal with the emotional pain of the breakup. Don’t push so hard that he or she slows down or worse, chooses to litigate. Sometimes slower is, in fact, faster.
In fact, some are much better than others. What’s more, a bad family mediator can cost you a lot of stress and money in the long run. Good conflict resolution requires a very specific set of skills. In other words, it’s best to get a mediator as your neutral third party who knows what she is doing.
In California, there are no licensure requirements for mediators. So, it’s buyer beware to some extent.
Here are some questions to ask a divorce mediator:
#1: How much mediation training has the mediator had?
Training is really important. Good mediators have a specific skill set in working with parties to resolve their differences. These listening and communication skills are crucial to a case going well or poorly.
Make sure your mediator has sufficient training and has received continuing training too. For example, if they just took a course 15 years ago without getting updates, they will probably lack crucial skills.
Looking for divorce mediation training?
Check out Family Resolution Institute here
for more information.
#2: What other professional credentials does the mediator have?
Make sure your mediator has professional know-how beyond just a one-time mediation training course. Typical mediators are either lawyers, mental health professionals or financial professionals. They should have a working knowledge of the family law issues you are going to face.
When drafting a settlement agreement, it is often helpful to have a lawyer serve as your mediator. Mental health professionals are excellent for custody cases or cases where emotions are high. Financial professionals help a ton with money issues. If there is no other underlying credential, you might want to look elsewhere.
Also, be careful of unlicensed professionals. For instance, just because someone has a J.D., they may not necessarily be a licensed attorney. You certainly don’t want a disbarred attorney as your mediator. If they don’t have an active license, ask why.
#3: Is the mediator a full-time mediator, or a dabbler?
It’s best to get a mediator who mediates on a full-time basis. Be careful of dabblers. A person who mediates full-time takes the profession seriously.
People often get into trouble if they hire a person whose full-time job is as an adversarial attorney or a therapist, for example, who may only mediate now and then. Such folks will likely not have the skills you need to get results.
#4: Beware of one-day or super cheap processes.
Marriage is not an easy thing to unwind. Be careful of mediators who promise results in one day or some other very short time period. Chances are, you will feel rushed, and your settlement will not cover what it needs to cover. A good process typically involves several mediation sessions.
Also, be careful of super-cheap mediators. In many cases, you really do get what you pay for. There can be lasting consequences if you rush your divorce process and miss something important. Spend the time and money to get it right!
#5: Ask the divorce mediator about his/her process and conflict resolution style.
Every mediator is different and may have a different style. Some mediators are much more facilitative while others are more directive and evaluative. As a result, the relationship with your mediator is very personal.
A mediator who is excellent for one couple may not be so good for another. So take the time to get to know the mediator, her process, and style before you agree to mediate.
Very importantly, don’t rely on your mediator for legal advice. Even if your mediator is an attorney, he can’t be YOUR attorney because of conflict of interest concerns. So it is always smart during any mediation process to consult with a lawyer to ensure your decisions are informed.
It’s important to know the right questions to ask a divorce mediator. Hopefully, these tips will help you with the mediator selection process.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, we provide both collaborative law and mediation services. To get more information, give us a call at 858-410-0144.
You can control how angry and hurt you remain after your divorce. Using principles of forgiveness during divorce will help you control divorce emotions and move on.
Almost every divorce involves a situation where somebody did someone wrong. Or… at the very least, someone feels like someone did somebody wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am living the B.J. Thomas song, “Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song”.
The reality is that divorce sucks. It hurts a lot in fact. As a California divorce mediator, I used to hide behind the excuse that California is a no-fault state and what happened to lead to the divorce is legally irrelevant. But the no-fault concept misses the point that divorce is more than just a legal process; it’s a human experience. If you require legal help through the divorce, here’s what to expect from their services – https://www.benchrestgallery.com/how-a-divorce-lawyer-can-help/.
Divorce Causes Real Pain: The Need to Control Divorce Emotions
The parties to a divorce are real people with real pain. Often a case just won’t settle until the parties can process their divorce emotions, hurt, and pain. This can almost always be made easier once you are in touch with a Family Attorney, because not only do they advise you on your rights, but they are there there for you when you are at your most vulnerable to protect you. They can help you focus, and process your emotions.
I don’t mean to minimize the pain of divorce emotions because I know it is very real. However, one can find that place where a person can let go of the anger and hurt in order to move on. Forgiveness during divorce and after really is possible.
Don’t Be a Monkey
Perhaps you have heard of the fable of the monkey trap. Apparently, you can take a jar with an opening large enough to fit a monkey hand and fill the jar with cookies. The monkey then comes along, inserts his hand through the opening to grab a cookie. However, because his fist with the cookie is now larger than the opening to the jar, the monkey can’t remove his fist and is trapped. Rather than rationally letting go of the cookie, the monkey will remain trapped indefinitely.
There is at least some truth to the story as shown by this video about a hunter capturing a baboon with a similar strategy:
Similar to the monkey who won’t let go, we tend to hold onto our grudges. By holding onto our hurt and anger with a clenched fist, we can become trapped until we figure out to let go. Similar to the monkey, it’s hard to escape a divorce situation without learning to also release the clenched fist. A person might finish her divorce, but will still carry the pain into the post-divorce life and even into the next relationship.
Forgiveness during divorce is an important way to release anger.
Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Anger and the search for revenge rarely help anything. They certainly don’t bring peace.
If you find yourself consumed with anger when you think of your ex, consider letting go. Make a conscious decision to forgive the other person. Notice that I am not suggesting that you allow anyone to cause you harm again. I simply suggest that forgiving and letting go of the anger will help to control divorce emotions. It will go a long way to finding peace.
Remember, forgiveness during divorce is an exercise that only the injured person can control. It does not require the wrongdoer to pay for what he did to you or to apologize. The other person does not even need to be sorry. Your forgiving and letting go is entirely up to you. It’s not easy, but it is completely within your control.
If you find forgiveness during divorce difficult to achieve and find that it gets in the way of moving on, consider discussing the issue with clergy or mental health professionals. Those former professionals can dig up the Church Resources and help you with solutions on how to proceed in life. Perhaps, hearing such practical and reliable advice could be something that you need at this point. Until you can control divorce emotions and let go of the anger, you, like the monkey, will be stuck. If you have employed one of the Denver law firms to assist you through the divorce process, they may be able to offer you some support too.
If you think forgiveness during a divorce is too hard, you are wrong. It is reachable. There are tons of examples in the world of people who forgave the unspeakable and made their lives better. See the examples below:
