Co-parenting on Halloween:  How not to make candy night into a nightmare

Co-parenting on Halloween: How not to make candy night into a nightmare

Co-parenting on Halloween can be tricky – or it can be a treat. It depends on you!

Halloween has a way of sneaking up on even the most organized separated parents. Judges don’t usually mention it in custody orders, probably because it doesn’t come with a day off work. But let’s get real: for kids, Halloween is the Super Bowl of childhood (well, or at least the World Series). They plan plays, scout candy routes, and train their sweet tooth all month. The last thing they need is for their parents to turn their night of magic into a showdown. Give them the gift of laughter, not drama.

So, how do you keep the co-parenting on Halloween about the kids and not about your latest argument? Here are a few tricks (and treats) to keep things fun and focused on your children:

First, put Halloween in your parenting plan.

Yes, actually write it down. Decide ahead of time who gets trick-or-treating this year, or who goes to the school parade. Don’t wait until October 30th to start the debate. Clear plans mean fewer last-minute meltdowns—for everyone.

Consider doing Halloween together.

If you and your ex can handle being in the same place without the drama, great. Kids light up when both parents show up and keep things friendly. You do not have to match costumes or fake a friendship. Just keep it polite and easy. But if you know the night will turn into a horror show, skip it. Give everyone a break and keep the peace.

Let your kids have their night.

Don’t make Halloween memorable for all the wrong reasons. This isn’t the time to air your grievances or compete for Best Parent. Focus on their fun, not your own feelings.

Control the grandparents and extended family.

Sometimes, the real monsters on the scene can be the extended family.  Perhaps they don’t quite understand what this co-parenting scene is all about, and they are tempted to engage in conflict.  Stop them!  Don’t let them badmouth the other parent or start a fight. Tell them to behave themselves and follow the getting-along program before the evening even starts.

Costume drama should be left to the theater, not your living room.

Don’t turn your child’s costume choice into a tug-of-war. Talk it out ahead of time and let your kid pick what makes them happy. Remember, the goal is giggles, not power plays.

Share the Halloween joy when you can.

If it’s your night, maybe swing by the other parent’s place so the kids can show off their costumes. It’s a small gesture, but it tells your kids both parents are in their corner. If it’s not your night, don’t crash the party. Respect the boundaries and find another time to celebrate.

Co-parenting on Halloween can be sweet, like candy, or a nightmare, like a scary movie.

It all depends on whether the adults can keep it together. Give your kids a night that’s about them, not about your old arguments. Show them how grownups are supposed to behave. Halloween should be about candy and giggles, not conflict. Years from now, your kids won’t remember who bought the best costume or who had the last word.  But they will remember feeling safe and loved. That’s the real treat.

Keep the peace long after the candy’s gone.

Schedule a conversation to build a plan that keeps things sweet for your kids all year.

Shawn Weber’s TV Interview on San Diego KPBS: Cuts to San Diego County Courts Are Affecting Families

By Shawn Weber

www.bravewebermack.com

I was pleased to take part in an interview on San Diego’s KPBS TV’s “Evening Edition” on behalf of the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego.  The subject of the interview involved the budget cuts affecting the family courts in San Diego and why families and parties going through family law litigation should consider no-court options such as mediation or collaborative divorce.  The host, Peggy Pico, was delightful.  It was a lot of fun and I look forward to more opportunities to explain why out-of-court options are so important.

[youtube=http://youtu.be/0eOlR1pMzKk]

See Also:

Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego Blog: “KPBS-TV Interview: Cuts to San Diego County Courts Are Affecting Families

San Diego Superior Court: Court Reporter Information

Brave, Weber & Mack Website: San Diego Collaborative Divorce Lawyer

Brave, Weber & Mack Website: San Diego Mediation Lawyers

Shawn Weber’s Interview on San Diego KPBS Radio’s Midday Edition: San Diego County Court budget cuts will affect family law cases

 

What sort of drug or alcohol testing can a California Family Court order in a custody proceeding?

California Family Code section 3041.5 provides a mechanism for drug and alcohol testing for parents involved in custody disputes. Testing can be ordered if the court finds, by a preponderance of the evidence, that a parent uses illegal drugs or alcohol habitually or continually.

It doesn’t end there, however. The tested party is entitled to a hearing to challenge any drug results. So, a positive test, in and of itself, is not sufficient grounds for a ruling to limit or terminate custody rights. However, it can be a huge factor in evidence.

Interestingly, only certain tests are allowed thanks to a case known as Deborah M. v. Superior Court (Daryl W.) (2005) 128 Cal.App.4th 1181. In Deborah M., the court held that because Family Code section 3041.5 requires drug testing to conform to federal drug testing procedures and standards, only urine testing is allowed.

While a 5 panel urine drug test can indicate whether drugs have been used recently, the preferred test, the hair follicle test, cannot be ordered by the court unless the parties agree. Hair follicle testing is more reliable than urine testing because the evidence of substances remains for as long as the hair follicle exists, whereas in urine testing the substances pass out of the system in 24 hours. . It is then that professional help might be sought and with the help of service providers (such as Countrywide Testing) in this specialized field, proper results can be achieved. More often than not, the tests conducted tend to give accurate results and the same lays a significant effect on the outcome of various hearings. However, as with all methods, there can still be faults with hair drug testing. Regardless, the Court has made it clear that the code’s requirement of conformity to the federal standard of urine testing is what will be allowed. Of course, parties can agree to a more stringent standard.

If a client of mine is worried about the other parent’s alcohol or drug use, but there is not enough evidence to get a drug test ordered or there is a concern that unrine testing will be insufficient, I often recommend that the client try to get an order for a mutual prohibition of alcohol or illegal drug usage in the presence of the child.

If there is a past history of addiction, the Court will often require attendance with a sponser at Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous. Whenever I represent a party with a history of addiction, no matter how slight that history may be, I often recommend and even insist that the client attend AA or NA as a protective measure in the case. I have never seen a Judge punish a party for going to meetings.

I have also had cases in the past where there is concern that a client is abusing prescribed pain medication such as Oxycontin. In such case, it is a good idea for the non-using parent to insist that there be controls in place to ensure that the other parent doesn’t abuse his or her medication. For instance, there should be a pain management contract regulating the use of controlled substances. I have also had success in getting orders for mass spectometry and liquid chromotography testing, which does a more thorough examination of a urine sample using laser technology. Not only does it give a qualititative result (i.e., relating to the presence of a substance) but also gives a quantitative result (i.e., how much of a given substance is present). This is helpful because the test itself is a simple urine sample type test, so it is no more invasive than any other urine test, but the data is so much more useful. It is especially helpful in determining whether a pain management patient is compliant with his contract or if he is overusing a particular medication or is mixing the medication with alcohol. Although I have been successful in getting orders for such a test, I have seen no caselaw to test whether it meets the standard set out in Deborah M.

In general, unless you have obvious and provable abuse, it is hard to produce enough evidence to limit a drug or alcohol abusers parenting. The best alternative approach is to insist on boundaries and controls that can provide the most possible protection for the child, even if parenting cannot be limited.