My friend and colleague, San Diego Divorce Attorney Fran Setzer, wrote a great post about using a neutral Child Specialist to help with divorce proceedings.
A neutral Child Specialist, who is a mental health professional experienced with children and divorce, can be an excellent resource for parents and really puts the needs of the children front and center. I am a big fan of bringing the right specialized resource to the right situation. A Child Specialist is the perfect tool when considering the needs of kids in a divorce.
Issues involving kids and divorce can be tricky. One of the great things about using consensual dispute resolution options like Mediation and Collaborative Practice in your California divorce is that you can give your kids more of a say in how the parenting plan will turn out. This is not to say that you leave the decisions to the kids. It does, however, mean you can hear their voices, which can mean a lot to them, especially if they are old enough to thoughtfully express their preferences. Of course, they will probably want their parents to stay together, but it’s important to hear their opinions. Once they’ve said their thoughts, you can then explain to them that divorce is the best option for all of you. This situation could be eased even more by contacting a castle rock family lawyer to make the situation easier for the child. A family lawyer will be able to navigate the situation in the best way possible for the child, ensuring that they understand the situation.
Not all kids should be given the same level of input. How much you let your kids sway your decision making is up to you. You will want to consider such factors as the child’s maturity level, age, ability to articulate and emotional needs. But if you decide that giving the kids a voice is what you want to do in your family, here are some tips.
Let Your Divorce Mediator Talk to the Kids.
With kids and divorce, it is important to give children a voice. As a mediator, sometimes I will talk to the kids. I only do it if both parents agree that it will be appropriate. Importantly, I never ask the kids, “Where do you want to live.” And speaking of living situations, I always advise that the divorcee that they should never tell him where you live (by him, I mean the ex-husband). It’s for safety reasons. Anyway back to the kids, I will give them the chance in a non-threatening environment to say what is important to them. Writing their responses on a whiteboard and then, with their permission, I boil their thoughts down into a report to share with the parents.
It’s amazing what useful clues I can learn from the kids. In one case, the teenage kids told me that they worry their father will die from his alcohol abuse. In another situation, an over-scheduled child shared that he felt it was hard to relax because of his very busy schedule. He said that he had a hard time “just being a kid.”
Another child volunteered that his complex and confusing parenting schedule made it difficult to adjust to the move from one house to another. As a result, he felt his grades suffering. He expressed that because he was bouncing back and forth so often, he didn’t ever have time to feel at home in either household.
Before I talk to a child, I will get a release to speak to the child’s therapist if available. This gives me the insight to ensure that I spend time with the child appropriately given the child’s emotional circumstances.
Have a Joint Session with Parents and Therapist.
Another option for kids and divorce is to allow the child to articulate her feelings in a joint session with a therapist and parents. The therapist can help everyone find ways to work together for the good of the child. You can also trust that a mental health professional will take care to prevent the talk from becoming inappropriate. It can be a safe way to promote healthy dialogue and to appropriately empower your child.
With Kids and Divorce, Use a Collaborative Child Specialist.
In Collaborative Practice, we use neutral child specialists to make sure that the parenting plan will protect the child’s needs. The child specialist is a mental health professional experienced in helping kids through a divorce. In essence, the child specialist becomes an advocate for the child’s needs.
In the Collaborative Practice model, the work is confidential. As a result, it cannot be used later in court. Everyone can trust that they can be open and frank while working towards solutions. Children in divorce often tell parents what the parents want to hear and not necessarily how the children really feel. But kids will open up to a child specialist, giving her the ability to articulate the children’s unvarnished needs and worries. I have often used neutral child specialists even outside of Collaborative Practice. In my humble opinion, it never hurts to give kids an advocate. Using a trained child specialist is often the perfect solution.
Summary
There are many ways to give your kids a voice. These are just three. While it is generally not a good plan to let the kids feel like they are in charge, it never hurts to give them an opportunity to be heard. You may be surprised what your kids can teach you as you go through your divorce. Often the kids are ahead of the parents in dealing with the heartache and emotions of the split. Considering the kids’ needs and really, truly listening to their point of view can provide tremendous insight and great rewards. Most importantly, your kids will appreciate that you took the time to pay attention.
Rules regarding who can claim a child on his/her taxes can be found in IRS Publication 596. In general, you can only qualify to claim a child for a tax credit or dependency exemption if the child has lived with you for over half of the year. For those parents that aren’t sure exactly how to file their taxes now that they’re divorced, it might be worthwhile contacting H&R Block for tax support. They can provide useful advice about claiming children on tax reports to make sure the report is done on time. Raise even has some promo codes for H&R Block on their website (go now). Hopefully, that will help.
Child care is difficult when parents are divorced, especially when it comes to tax. Sometimes in crafting child support orders, family law professionals and courts deliberately plan to give the noncustodial parent the dependency exemption and child tax credit. This is especially true if the support recipient has lower income and is in a lower tax bracket and the supporting parent is in a higher tax bracket. The party in the higher tax bracket may be able to make better use of the exemption and credit. Sometimes allowing that person to claim a child will enable us to order a higher amount of support because there is more disposable income available to pay support. It’s a win-win for everyone.
The IRS allows the noncustodial parent to claim a child if each of the following requirements are met:
“1. The parents:
a. Are divorced or legally separated under a decree of divorce or separate
maintenance,
b. Are separated under a written separation agreement, or
c. Lived apart at all times during the last 6 months of 2012, whether or not they are
or were married.
2. The child received over half of his or her support for the year from the parents.
3. The child is in the custody of one or both parents for more than half of 2012.
4. Either of the following statements is true.
a. The custodial parent signs Form 8332 or a substantially similar statement that he
or she will not claim the child as a dependent for the year, and the noncustodial
parent attaches the form or statement to his or her return. If the divorce decree or
separation agreement went into effect after 1984 and before 2009, the
noncustodial parent may be able to attach certain pages from the decree or
agreement instead of Form 8332.
b. A pre-1985 decree of divorce or separate maintenance or written separation
agreement that applies to 2012 provides that the noncustodial parent can claim
the child as a dependent, and the noncustodial parent provides at least $600 for
Remember, without a signed Form 8332 or equivalent, the noncustodial parent may not claim the child.
This article is intended for informational purposes only and should not be construed as legal or tax advice. Remember, because every case is different, nothing replaces personalized advice from a professional. For further discussion of divorce and custody related tax issues, call attorney Shawn Weber at 858-410-0144 for a free telephone conference or go to his website at n4d.8c6.myftpupload.com/.
Rules regarding who can claim a child on his/her taxes can be found in IRS Publication 596. In general, you can only qualify to claim a child for a tax credit or dependency exemption if the child has lived with you for over half of the year. For those parents that aren’t sure exactly how to file their taxes now that they’re divorced, it might be worthwhile contacting H&R Block for tax support. They can provide useful advice about claiming children on tax reports to make sure the report is done on time. Raise even has some promo codes for H&R Block on their website (