by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Aug 31, 2018 | Uncategorized
Along the banks of the Ho Truc Bach Lake in downtown Hanoi, Vietnam is a monument sculpted from stone.
It’s an image of a person with arms raised and head lowered. The monument portrays the fateful moment in October 1967 when then U.S. Navy pilot John McCain was captured. The monument text, roughly translated, reads:
“On 26 October 1967 near Truc Bach Lake in the capital, Hanoi, the citizens and military caught Pilot John Sidney McCain. The US Navy Air Force Aviator was flying aircraft A4, which crashed near Yen Phu power station. This was one of ten aircraft shot down that same day.”[1]
The John S. McCain monument at Bruc Back Lake. Photo: Jim Bryant, U.S. Navy
Fast forward to August 27, 2018.
A 62-year-old Vietnamese man, Pham Van Khanh, brought flowers to the McCain monument in Hanoi.[2] He joined countless other Vietnamese who wished to honor their former captive.[3]
Even McCain’s jailer and operator of the prison, former Col. Tran Trong Duyet, said, “When I learnt about his death early this morning, I feel very sad. I would like to send condolences to his family. I think it’s the same feeling for all Vietnamese people as he has greatly contributed to the development of Vietnam-U.S. relations.”[4]
How could a nation that reviled and tortured the late Senator have such love for him after his death? Because of Senator McCain’s work along with former Senator and Vietnam Veteran John Kerry to normalize relations with Vietnam, the Vietnamese government now reveres him as a “symbol of his generation” who helped “heal the wounds of war.”[5] This mutual respect between Senator McCain and his former captors exemplifies the many times McCain rose well-above a conflict to find common ground and to make peace.
John McCain with his Navy Squadron (botrrom right). Photo: Library of Congress
I have never met Senator John McCain, but as a professional peacemaker I relate to his peacemaking words and consider him a peacemaking soulmate.
We all know the story of how McCain was shot down over Vietnam, beginning his terrifying and heroic stay at the infamous Hanoi Hilton prison. Refusing to be released before his brothers-in-arms, the North Vietnamese tortured him mercilessly and placed him in solitary confinement.[6]
His captors didn’t release McCain until after the signing of the Paris Peace Accords on March 14, 1973. Though free, he carried substantial injuries for the rest of his life.
As a Senator, he was known for his work across the political aisle. Sometimes he angered the more strident members of his party for taking the higher ground.
Senator McCain admits to his imperfections, and has apologized for his less than peaceful remarks at times.
For example, he famously used a racial slur to describe his captors, feeling he had a right to describe his former captors with any language he chose. He later reconsidered and apologized, and removed the word from his vocabulary.[7]
This man is considered a hero today in large part because he made a career of rising above the fray of the negative discourse that pervades American politics today. Perhaps most famously, he defended Barrack Obama against people who accused Obama of being “Arab”, saying “No ma’am. He’s a decent family man and citizen that I just happened to have disagreements with on fundamental issues.”
Senator John McCain meets with President Barack Obama in the Oval Office in 2011. Photo: Pete Souza, White House Photo Office
It’s telling that two of his principle political rivals, Former President’s Obama and Bush, will eulogize him at his memorial service.[8]
John McCain’s thoughts on the need to ‘win’ at all costs
Most recently, when speaking to the Senate with a request for a return to regular order in the Senate in the wake of a difficult debate on healthcare reform in 2017, McCain said the following to support his plea:
“I’ve known and admired men and women in the Senate who played much more than a small role in our history, true statesmen, giants of American politics. They came from both parties, and from various backgrounds. Their ambitions were frequently in conflict. … And they often had very serious disagreements about how best to serve the national interest.
“But they knew that however sharp and heartfelt their disputes, however keen their ambitions, they had an obligation to work collaboratively to ensure the Senate discharged its constitutional responsibilities effectively.
“Both sides have let this happen. Let’s leave the history of who shot first to the historians. I suspect they’ll find we all conspired in our decline – either by deliberate actions or neglect. We’ve all played some role in it. Certainly I have. ….
“Incremental progress, compromises that each side criticize but also accept, just plain muddling through to chip away at problems and keep our enemies from doing their worst isn’t glamorous or exciting. It doesn’t feel like a political triumph. But it’s usually the most we can expect from our system of government, operating in a country as diverse and quarrelsome and free as ours.
“…. It is our responsibility to preserve that, even when it requires us to do something less satisfying than ‘winning.’ Even when we must give a little to get a little. Even when our efforts manage just three yards and a cloud of dust, while critics on both sides denounce us for timidity, for our failure to ‘triumph.’
“I hope we can again rely on humility, on our need to cooperate, on our dependence on each other to learn how to trust each other again and by so doing better serve the people who elected us.”
John McCain was a peacemaker
Senator John McCain walks with Vice President Mike Pence on the 75th anniversary of the Pearl Harbor attack in Honolulu, Hawaii. Photo: US Army. Jose A. Torres, Jr.
I read the words spoken by Senator McCain last year and listened to them again. I have a soulmate in Senator McCain. We have never met, but as a professional peacemaker I relate to his peacemaking words.
I have often thought the woes of Washington, D.C. could be greatly reduced if some mediators could head to Capitol Hill. We professional peacemakers understand that peace and agreement requires people who disagree to disagree agreeably. “Compromise” is not a dirty word. Rather, a compromise allows for differing people to find a common ground. The all-or-nothing subjective myths of “justice” or “fairness” give way to the higher principles of collaboration, mutual respect and peace.
As a divorce mediator, I am involved in helping people find pathways to settlement in the toughest of times.
There are very few experiences as heart-wrenching and personally painful as divorce. Consequently, my aim is to help others learn how to work together while experiencing peace. It’s possible.
Senator McCain’s approach to politics parallels my Dolphin Lawyering philosophy and approach to dispute resolution. Unlike some of my shark-like colleagues in the legal profession, I strive for a more humane approach encouraging peaceful outcomes. I therefore live by the creed, “It’s not just a legal process; it’s a human experience.”
Like Senator McCain, I look back on the contentious moments of my past career as a divorce litigator. Similarly, I realize that at times I didn’t always live up to my greatest ideal. But whenever I have embraced peacemaking and mutual respect, I have not only worked as an instrument for others to find peace, but I have experienced my greatest professional joy: helping others.
While many may disagree with political stands by Senator McCain, perhaps we can take his life as a shining example of a peacemaker a person of any political persuasion can follow. I, for one, am certainly grateful for his imperfect, yet sincere example.
Further Reading:
Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace
Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce
Dolphin Lawyering: Why I can be an advocate without being a shark
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Aug 15, 2018 | Uncategorized
The KOGO AM 600 Morning News with anchors Ted Garcia and LaDona Harvey featured a live interview with family law attorney Shawn Weber of Weber Dispute Resolution on Wednesday, August 16.
Weber discussed tips from his latest blog post, "Back to School Doesn't Have to Mean Back to Court," which offers advice for divorced parents on solving disagreements over their children and their return to school. Conflicts regarding spending over clothing and supplies, communication from school officials, and participation in various extracurricular school activities are common sources of friction between divorced parents. The failure to solve these problems can send parents back to their attorneys, and even back to court.
If you missed the interview, you can listen to it here.
Avoid an expensive trip back to court – contact Weber Dispute Resolution
Back to school sometimes sends divorced parents back to court. Are you fighting over:
- Responsibility for buying school supplies?
- Who’s driving the kids to school?
- After-school activities?
- Who talks to your kids’ teachers?
- Emergency contact?
- Who gets to sit where at the school play?
Call on Weber Dispute Resolution to help you and your clients get an A-plus on school plans that work for the entire family. Weber Dispute Resolution can help you avoid an expensive, lengthy, and emotionally damaging court fight. Call 858-410-0144 to set up a private settlement conference.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Aug 15, 2018 | Uncategorized
The KOGO AM 600 Morning News with anchors Ted Garcia and LaDona Harvey featured a live interview with family law attorney Shawn Weber of Weber Dispute Resolution on Wednesday, August 16.
Weber discussed tips from his latest blog post, "Back to School Doesn't Have to Mean Back to Court," which offers advice for divorced parents on solving disagreements over their children and their return to school. Conflicts regarding spending over clothing and supplies, communication from school officials, and participation in various extracurricular school activities are common sources of friction between divorced parents. The failure to solve these problems can send parents back to their attorneys, and even back to court.
If you missed the interview, you can listen to it here.
Avoid an expensive trip back to court – contact Weber Dispute Resolution
Back to school sometimes sends divorced parents back to court. Are you fighting over:
- Responsibility for buying school supplies?
- Who’s driving the kids to school?
- After-school activities?
- Who talks to your kids’ teachers?
- Emergency contact?
- Who gets to sit where at the school play?
Call on Weber Dispute Resolution to help you and your clients get an A-plus on school plans that work for the entire family. Weber Dispute Resolution can help you avoid an expensive, lengthy, and emotionally damaging court fight. Call 858-410-0144 to set up a private settlement conference.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Jun 4, 2018 | Uncategorized
I regularly serve as a pro tem settlement judge on the Mandatory Settlement Conference (MSC) Panel with the San Diego County Superior Court. While I enjoy helping folks through their MSCs, the help is simply too little too late for many people.
Often, the preparation for the MSC is nearly as stressful and costly as preparing for the trial itself for everyone involved including the attorneys, clients, and other professionals who may be involved.
Lawyers need to certify that discovery is complete and prepare elaborate briefs. Waiting until the very end of a case to attempt mediation does the parties and the professionals a great disservice. The pained and stressed-out expressions on the faces of the parties and counsel at the MSCs I facilitate say it all.
Better Options for Settling Cases: Early Mediation
If your family law case is at a crossroads, consider mediation to take it from conflict to quick conclusion. Photo: Geralt/Pixabay
There are many options near the beginning of the case to settle issues, manage discovery concerns, and resolve unnecessary conflict. Even (and especially) high conflict cases can benefit from earlier intervention with a mediator to short circuit the conflict. Attorneys benefit from early mediation because it helps them settle the cases with a realistic chance of settling successfully. It frees them up to focus on trials for cases that won’t settle.
Here are some ideas for how you can engage the ADR services of a mediator early in your family law case.
Meet and Confer – On Steroids
Every family law attorney is aware of the requirement for the “meet and confer” conference. Too often it’s simply given lip service by a short phone call to opposing counsel without discussing the issues. Because lawyers sometimes give less attention to what needs to happen to settle, the case stalls.
Why not have a facilitated meet and confer settlement conference to identify the issues and formulate a plan for a swift conclusion?
Discovery Management At Lower Cost
Often the most expensive part of a case is the discovery, which involves elaborate and arcane procedures to gather as much evidence as possible. Sometimes this takes place whether the case needs the information or not. The adversarial process spurs less and not more cooperation in discovery. As a result, parties can face months or even years of time-consuming, expensive discovery wars.
Why not use a mediator to help “referee” the discovery? Most discovery can be provided informally at much less cost. A mediator can help facilitate the discovery process to specifically target discovery needs. The mediator can help everyone conclude the case with fewer headaches and less stress for the lawyers. This results in a lower cost for the parties.
Successfully Managing the High Conflict Case
You don’t have to endure the nuclear option in a high conflict case. Mediation can be highly successful. Photo: Alex Andropov86/Pixabay
There is a common misconception that people cannot mediate high conflict cases. It’s simply not true.
Most high conflict behavior in divorce cases is based on fear and hurt. That’s because Court proceedings tend to exacerbate and actually encourage high conflict responses. So, engaging a good mediator early in the process reduces conflict by managing the fight-or-flight response.
Rather than encouraging conflict including ugly public fights in court, consider short-circuiting conflict with a mediator experienced in high conflict. If the parties learn early how to interact productively, it then makes the rest of the case go more smoothly, and often more quickly.
Use Early Intervention Through Mediation to Resolve Interim Issues
The terribly backlogged family courts sometimes take months to hear even the most routine (and sometimes pressing) interim motions. Working with you and your clients in mediation, I can help you resolve interim questions like support and custody in a fraction of the time and cost compared to filing a Request for Order. Because a mediated settlement conference efficiently resolves interim issues, the parties can relax a little more. Instead of reacting to ongoing problems, people can focus on concluding the case.
Consider a Court-Ordered Family Centered Case Resolution Plan Per Family Code Section 2451
Court ordered family centered case resolution plan under the California Family Code Section 2451 is a valuable tool in your toolkit.
One little-known Family Code provisions involves the use of Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR) as part of a court-ordered family centered case resolution plan. It is described in Family Code Section 2451. Additionally, California Rule of Court 5.83 describes how to implement the plan. Parties can appoint a case manager as part of the plan. They can also apply Code of Civil Procedure Section 639 to appoint the case manager as a discovery referee. Further, Family Code Section 2451 (a)(3) gives protection to attorneys who follow any discovery plans adopted as part of a court-ordered family resolution plan as follows:
“Limitations on discovery, including temporary suspension pending exploration of settlement. There is a rebuttable presumption that an attorney who carries out discovery as provided in a family centered case resolution plan has fulfilled his or her duty of care to the client as to the existence of community property.”
This Family Code section 2451 procedure has been effective in my experience. It can do a lot to reduce costs, and keep the case moving quickly towards settlement.
Because there are many ADR options beyond an end-of-case settlement conference where a mediator can make a huge difference, the key is to start early. Call on Weber Dispute Resolution to help. We have the training, skills, and experience to get your family law case past stuck. Our approach serves to support existing relationships with legal counsel, and will preserve the family’s wealth by reducing family conflict. Peace of mind is priceless.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Jun 4, 2018 | Uncategorized
I regularly serve as a pro tem settlement judge on the Mandatory Settlement Conference (MSC) Panel with the San Diego County Superior Court. While I enjoy helping folks through their MSCs, the help is simply too little too late for many people.
Often, the preparation for the MSC is nearly as stressful and costly as preparing for the trial itself for everyone involved including the attorneys, clients, and other professionals who may be involved.
Lawyers need to certify that discovery is complete and prepare elaborate briefs. Waiting until the very end of a case to attempt mediation does the parties and the professionals a great disservice. The pained and stressed-out expressions on the faces of the parties and counsel at the MSCs I facilitate say it all.
Better Options for Settling Cases: Early Mediation
If your family law case is at a crossroads, consider mediation to take it from conflict to quick conclusion. Photo: Geralt/Pixabay
There are many options near the beginning of the case to settle issues, manage discovery concerns, and resolve unnecessary conflict. Even (and especially) high conflict cases can benefit from earlier intervention with a mediator to short circuit the conflict. Attorneys benefit from early mediation because it helps them settle the cases with a realistic chance of settling successfully. It frees them up to focus on trials for cases that won’t settle.
Here are some ideas for how you can engage the ADR services of a mediator early in your family law case.
Meet and Confer – On Steroids
Every family law attorney is aware of the requirement for the “meet and confer” conference. Too often it’s simply given lip service by a short phone call to opposing counsel without discussing the issues. Because lawyers sometimes give less attention to what needs to happen to settle, the case stalls.
Why not have a facilitated meet and confer settlement conference to identify the issues and formulate a plan for a swift conclusion?
Discovery Management At Lower Cost
Often the most expensive part of a case is the discovery, which involves elaborate and arcane procedures to gather as much evidence as possible. Sometimes this takes place whether the case needs the information or not. The adversarial process spurs less and not more cooperation in discovery. As a result, parties can face months or even years of time-consuming, expensive discovery wars.
Why not use a mediator to help “referee” the discovery? Most discovery can be provided informally at much less cost. A mediator can help facilitate the discovery process to specifically target discovery needs. The mediator can help everyone conclude the case with fewer headaches and less stress for the lawyers. This results in a lower cost for the parties.
Successfully Managing the High Conflict Case
You don’t have to endure the nuclear option in a high conflict case. Mediation can be highly successful. Photo: Alex Andropov86/Pixabay
There is a common misconception that people cannot mediate high conflict cases. It’s simply not true.
Most high conflict behavior in divorce cases is based on fear and hurt. That’s because Court proceedings tend to exacerbate and actually encourage high conflict responses. So, engaging a good mediator early in the process reduces conflict by managing the fight-or-flight response.
Rather than encouraging conflict including ugly public fights in court, consider short-circuiting conflict with a mediator experienced in high conflict. If the parties learn early how to interact productively, it then makes the rest of the case go more smoothly, and often more quickly.
Use Early Intervention Through Mediation to Resolve Interim Issues
The terribly backlogged family courts sometimes take months to hear even the most routine (and sometimes pressing) interim motions. Working with you and your clients in mediation, I can help you resolve interim questions like support and custody in a fraction of the time and cost compared to filing a Request for Order. Because a mediated settlement conference efficiently resolves interim issues, the parties can relax a little more. Instead of reacting to ongoing problems, people can focus on concluding the case.
Consider a Court-Ordered Family Centered Case Resolution Plan Per Family Code Section 2451
Court ordered family centered case resolution plan under the California Family Code Section 2451 is a valuable tool in your toolkit.
One little-known Family Code provisions involves the use of Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR) as part of a court-ordered family centered case resolution plan. It is described in Family Code Section 2451. Additionally, California Rule of Court 5.83 describes how to implement the plan. Parties can appoint a case manager as part of the plan. They can also apply Code of Civil Procedure Section 639 to appoint the case manager as a discovery referee. Further, Family Code Section 2451 (a)(3) gives protection to attorneys who follow any discovery plans adopted as part of a court-ordered family resolution plan as follows:
“Limitations on discovery, including temporary suspension pending exploration of settlement. There is a rebuttable presumption that an attorney who carries out discovery as provided in a family centered case resolution plan has fulfilled his or her duty of care to the client as to the existence of community property.”
This Family Code section 2451 procedure has been effective in my experience. It can do a lot to reduce costs, and keep the case moving quickly towards settlement.
Because there are many ADR options beyond an end-of-case settlement conference where a mediator can make a huge difference, the key is to start early. Call on Weber Dispute Resolution to help. We have the training, skills, and experience to get your family law case past stuck. Our approach serves to support existing relationships with legal counsel, and will preserve the family’s wealth by reducing family conflict. Peace of mind is priceless.
