Sometimes a divorce or family law case can be like a perfect storm. The fissile material of fear, hurt and anger can lead people to make terrible choices as they navigate a very difficult legal process. This video offers tips on how to reduce reactivity in divorce to help encourage a peaceful, cost-effective and amicable divorce.
Some people believe that a prerequisite for consensual dispute resolution options like Divorce Mediation or Collaborative Practice is that the parties have to get along or trust each other. That is simply not the case!
A good divorce mediator or collaborative practitioner knows how to get to the heart of the issues even when there is significant conflict. We consensual dispute resolution (CDR) professionals understand that people need our services when there is a dispute to resolve. Conflict is an inherent part of dispute resolution.
They have training to get to the heart of what is keeping you from settling. I call these “fault lines”. A significant part of my work with couples in divorce mediation is taking the time to really listen and understand where the fault lines are and what is causing them. That way I can help.
With divorcing couples, I never just expect things to be easy. After all, you are divorcing for a reason. Surely things up until now have not been all butterflies and rainbows.
My mission is to bring humanity to legal situations to clarify the dynamics of each unique situation in a manner that reveals options for settlement, preserves the long-term interest of the family, and empowers the individual client. I have a profound ability to get into the world my clients are experiencing and feeling to uncover the necessary clarity in each divorce relationship dynamic. From there, I can use my gifts to bring a sense of calm, resolve and hope that could never be reached in adversarial litigation.
So, I take time. I listen – carefully. I try to help bridge the gaps. It’s often quite emotional. It’s only rarely easy. But, if the parties work hard to stretch to find a settlement, I can usually help.
If you are having trouble getting along, don’t let that stop you. There are few cases that must go to court. It’s my job to get you past the conflict and help you find peace for you and your family.
I have been involved in the divorce industry now for 17 years. If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I would make my living as a divorce attorney, I would have laughed. I never thought I would enter into such a world. It seemed to me at the time that matrimonial law was where the lowest of the low practiced. Consequently, the idea of profiting off of other people’s troubles seemed somehow distasteful.
But then I started a family law clerkship. There I experienced the reward of helping people through the turmoil of their lives. Importantly, I became a very effective family law advocate and mediator.
As a human being myself, I gain satisfaction from helping people through a very dark and frightening experience. I made it my goal in every case to bring humanity to legal situations to clarify the dynamics of each unique client situation in a manner that reveals options for settlement, preserves the long-term interest of the family, and empowers the individual client. Indeed, people become more knowledgeable on how to resolve issues without harming each other, their children, or others, while experiencing peace.
Dolphin Lawyering vs. Shark LawyeringSharks, frankly, give lawyers a bad name. I have learned over the years to be a different kind of attorney from the sharks. I developed a profound ability to get into the world my clients are experiencing and feeling to uncover the necessary clarity in each divorce relationship dynamic. From there, I use my gifts to bring a sense of calm, resolve and hope that could never be reached with a Shark Lawyer. I call it, “Dolphin Lawyering”.
As opposed to a shark who smells blood from miles away and mindlessly devours whatever fish crosses its path, a dolphin is smarter about how it goes about its business. As warm-blooded mammals, dolphins are very intelligent and creative hunters. They can be deadly if they need to be, but can show compassion to other animals as well. Stories abound of dolphins defending humans from sharks.
Many lawyers operate solely by a lawyer’s instinct to act as a zealous advocate, which actually exacerbates conflict. They operate with standard operating procedures and cookie-cutter approaches to their cases failing to tailor their approach to the individual families with whom they work. As a result, legal fees escalate needlessly. Instead of helping, the process damages families and children. So many divorcing couples begin their divorce process with hopes of remaining friends and effective co-parents for their children. When a Shark Lawyer gets a hold of a family like that, it only makes the attorney richer. Indeed, the co-parenting relationship is destroyed and the children suffer.
The Shark Lawyer will defend her actions by pointing out that she was only being a “zealous advocate”. But zealous advocacy does not mean a lawyer should be a mindless man-eater. Good advocacy involves knowing when to fight and when to negotiate in a smart way.
Prior to a case starting, Dolphin Lawyers will spend time pre-planning with the client. The decision of how to divorce is almost as important as the decision whether to divorce. The Dolphin Lawyer will spend time with his client discussing all of the options for a dispute resolution process. While litigation is sometimes a necessary evil, a good advocate will take time to discuss consensual dispute resolution models such as mediation or Collaborative Practice. I always ask, “What specific, tailored approach is going to work for this family?” In contrast, the shark never asks such a question, simply going by mindless instinct and applying expensive and unnecessary standard operating procedures that may or may not be helpful. While the Dolphin Lawyer seeks to pour water on the fire, the Shark Lawyer pours gasoline.
Keep in mind, Dolphin Lawyering is not wimpy. Dolphin Lawyer can nonetheless advocate strongly for her client’s interests. As a matter of fact, she can do it with compassion and intelligence. Certainly, the Dolphin Lawyer is as knowledgeable as any other attorney. The difference is about effectively applying knowledge to reduce conflict rather than to exacerbate it.
The Dolphin Lawyer is just as zealous an advocate as any Shark Lawyer. But the Dolphin Lawyer is a more effective advocate because he knows good practice is more than just winning at court. Rather, strong advocacy is about improving the client’s situation. While it may make the Shark Lawyer richer, exacerbating conflict and wasting money on unnecessary legal procedures is hardly effective.
The Dolphin Lawyer does not fear conflict. She is instead comfortable working with raw, heightened emotions. In particular, she understands that to lead her clients to peace, she must directly face the pain that led her clients to her door.
A Dolphin Lawyer seeks to understand his client’s pain so that he can help find solutions. Without doubt, he understands that people are coming through his door at the worst times of their lives. He doesn’t judge. Rather, he seeks to be compassionate and understanding.
Below is a chart showing some of the key differences between Shark Lawyering and the Dolphin Lawyering:
| Shark Lawyer | Dolphin Lawyer |
| Overly and unnecessarily aggressive. | Tough when needed, but understands that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. |
| Avoids emotional discussions. | Understands that dealing with emotions is a key element to helping clients through a tough time. |
| Applies expensive and often unnecessary cookie-cutter standard operating procedures. | Tailors the process to the individual client instead of the client to the legal process. |
| Lacks Compassion or Empathy. | Uses compassion and empathy. Seeks to understand the client’s pain, so that he can find solutions. |
| Puts the Legal process first. | Puts the human element first. |
| Fans the flames. | Pours water on the fire. |
| Uses litigation only. | Offers alternate or consensual dispute resolution options such as mediation or Collaborative Practice. |
| Tells you what you have to do. | Asks you what you want to do. |
On April 4, I had another opportunity to go on San Diego ESPN 1700’s Real Estate Radio with my good friend and fellow collaborative divorce practitioner, Justin Reckers, CFP®, CDFA™, AIF®. It was a great opportunity because we had the full hour to ourselves to talk about divorce processes. I have been a long believer that people facing a divorce need to take control early and decide what process they wish to use to complete their divorce. So many people and attorneys just jump straight to litigation, which for most people, is the the very worst way to transition a family. It is more expensive and more destructive.
I was pleased that Justin and I had the chance to tell about mediation and collaborative divorce as excellent options for parties to reduce cost, take control of the outcome and transition their families in as healthy a way as possible.
Listen to the whole show here:
Shawn Weber, J.D., CLS-F
Justin A. Reckers, CFP®, CDFA™, AIF®
The “Dolphin Lawyer” Shawn Weber
I was happy to make another appearance on the Real Estate Radio Hour on San Diego AM 1700 ESPN Radio. This time I was able to talk to hosts Ryan White and David McElveen about Collaborative Divorce, Mediation, deferred sale of the family residence and “nesting” where the kids get the house and the parents pack their bags instead of the kids. It’s a lot of fun to sit down with Ryan and David to talk about “Love and Real Estate” — especially right before Valentine’s Day!
Give it a listen and let me know what you think!
Here’s the link to the podcast: View in iTunes
