For many of my clients, the holidays after divorce can be a difficult time.
Many are keenly aware of the loss they have suffered as the result of their divorce and will go to great lengths to preserve a sense of family. The changes to the family, for many, are in stark contrast to the ideal Norman Rockwell Holiday memories they want their kids to have. People also, quite reasonably, want their children with them on those special days. All of that is reasonable, but when the wish to have your kids with you on a special Holiday turns into conflict between you and your ex, your kids can suffer.
It’s a bit ironic that in this season when we are supposedly celebrating peace on earth, some of the greatest interfamily conflict can occur and if you’re not careful, your kids will be right in the middle of a holiday visitation disaster. Here are just a few ideas about how to bring “Peace on Earth” to your kids for the holidays after divorce:
Consider Celebrating Some Part of the Holiday Together with Your Ex.
I know, you worked hard to get away from your former spouse, but your kids didn’t. For their sake, consider putting the past behind you and let your kids open presents with both of their parents. That said, if you just can’t be in the same room with the other parent without it devolving into a slug fest, then reconsider. But if you both can keep it together long enough for the kids to have a nice holiday, you will have done something very kind for them. This is the season of giving after all.
Coordinate Presents with the Other Parent.
Much of the holidays after divorce conflict we see is when the parents compete with each other over the present giving. Don’t let that happen. Rather, spend some time early coordinating the gift giving with the other parent. Perhaps consider purchasing joint gifts. Don’t let something as beautiful as gift giving turn into an ugly competition.
Don’t Project Your Own Emotions About the Holidays After Divorce Onto Your Kids.
Holiday visitation stirs up all kinds of feelings and emotions. Regret, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness- these are feelings that can pop up in spades during the holidays. However, if these are your emotions, they might not necessarily be what your kids are feeling. We have a tendency to project our own feelings and frustrations onto others, when that is usually not appropriate. Be aware of that and keep your expression of emotions in check. Stay selfless and make the holidays about others and what their needs are. Be mindful, that your kids’ needs will likely include time with the other parent.
Plan the Holiday Visitation and Travel Schedule Early.
Don't just assume that your ex will be aware of or will cooperate in fulfilling your expectations for the perfect holiday with the kids. Communicate early and plan ahead with your kids' other parent to reduce confusion or frustration when the holiday comes around. Don't assume anything about the schedule. Don't wait until Thanksgiving to talk about the holidays. Start talking and coordinating in July – or even earlier. That way, when the holiday comes around, there will be no surprises.
In summary, the holidays after divorce can be a time when cherished memories are created. However, they can also be a time of heartache and terrible memories if not done properly. Don't let problems with holiday visitation be a flashpoint for your kids to remember how badly you and your ex behaved. Let it be "Peace on Earth" for your kids. That means that you need to take responsibility to be a peacemaker with the other parent.
These are just a few ideas. Maybe you have some ideas or tips. Share them with me!
My friend and colleague, San Diego Divorce Attorney Fran Setzer, wrote a great post about using a neutral Child Specialist to help with divorce proceedings.
A neutral Child Specialist, who is a mental health professional experienced with children and divorce, can be an excellent resource for parents and really puts the needs of the children front and center. I am a big fan of bringing the right specialized resource to the right situation. A Child Specialist is the perfect tool when considering the needs of kids in a divorce.
Issues involving kids and divorce can be tricky. One of the great things about using consensual dispute resolution options like Mediation and Collaborative Practice in your California divorce is that you can give your kids more of a say in how the parenting plan will turn out. This is not to say that you leave the decisions to the kids. It does, however, mean you can hear their voices, which can mean a lot to them, especially if they are old enough to thoughtfully express their preferences. Of course, they will probably want their parents to stay together, but it’s important to hear their opinions. Once they’ve said their thoughts, you can then explain to them that divorce is the best option for all of you. This situation could be eased even more by contacting a castle rock family lawyer to make the situation easier for the child. A family lawyer will be able to navigate the situation in the best way possible for the child, ensuring that they understand the situation.
Not all kids should be given the same level of input. How much you let your kids sway your decision making is up to you. You will want to consider such factors as the child’s maturity level, age, ability to articulate and emotional needs. But if you decide that giving the kids a voice is what you want to do in your family, here are some tips.
Let Your Divorce Mediator Talk to the Kids.
With kids and divorce, it is important to give children a voice. As a mediator, sometimes I will talk to the kids. I only do it if both parents agree that it will be appropriate. Importantly, I never ask the kids, “Where do you want to live.” And speaking of living situations, I always advise that the divorcee that they should never tell him where you live (by him, I mean the ex-husband). It’s for safety reasons. Anyway back to the kids, I will give them the chance in a non-threatening environment to say what is important to them. Writing their responses on a whiteboard and then, with their permission, I boil their thoughts down into a report to share with the parents.
It’s amazing what useful clues I can learn from the kids. In one case, the teenage kids told me that they worry their father will die from his alcohol abuse. In another situation, an over-scheduled child shared that he felt it was hard to relax because of his very busy schedule. He said that he had a hard time “just being a kid.”
Another child volunteered that his complex and confusing parenting schedule made it difficult to adjust to the move from one house to another. As a result, he felt his grades suffering. He expressed that because he was bouncing back and forth so often, he didn’t ever have time to feel at home in either household.
Before I talk to a child, I will get a release to speak to the child’s therapist if available. This gives me the insight to ensure that I spend time with the child appropriately given the child’s emotional circumstances.
Have a Joint Session with Parents and Therapist.
Another option for kids and divorce is to allow the child to articulate her feelings in a joint session with a therapist and parents. The therapist can help everyone find ways to work together for the good of the child. You can also trust that a mental health professional will take care to prevent the talk from becoming inappropriate. It can be a safe way to promote healthy dialogue and to appropriately empower your child.
With Kids and Divorce, Use a Collaborative Child Specialist.
In Collaborative Practice, we use neutral child specialists to make sure that the parenting plan will protect the child’s needs. The child specialist is a mental health professional experienced in helping kids through a divorce. In essence, the child specialist becomes an advocate for the child’s needs.
In the Collaborative Practice model, the work is confidential. As a result, it cannot be used later in court. Everyone can trust that they can be open and frank while working towards solutions. Children in divorce often tell parents what the parents want to hear and not necessarily how the children really feel. But kids will open up to a child specialist, giving her the ability to articulate the children’s unvarnished needs and worries. I have often used neutral child specialists even outside of Collaborative Practice. In my humble opinion, it never hurts to give kids an advocate. Using a trained child specialist is often the perfect solution.
Summary
There are many ways to give your kids a voice. These are just three. While it is generally not a good plan to let the kids feel like they are in charge, it never hurts to give them an opportunity to be heard. You may be surprised what your kids can teach you as you go through your divorce. Often the kids are ahead of the parents in dealing with the heartache and emotions of the split. Considering the kids’ needs and really, truly listening to their point of view can provide tremendous insight and great rewards. Most importantly, your kids will appreciate that you took the time to pay attention.
I have been involved in the divorce industry now for 17 years. If you would have asked me 20 years ago if I would make my living as a divorce attorney, I would have laughed. I never thought I would enter into such a world. It seemed to me at the time that matrimonial law was where the lowest of the low practiced. Consequently, the idea of profiting off of other people’s troubles seemed somehow distasteful.
But then I started a family law clerkship. There I experienced the reward of helping people through the turmoil of their lives. Importantly, I became a very effective family law advocate and mediator.
Divorce is not just a legal process; it’s a human experience.
As a human being myself, I gain satisfaction from helping people through a very dark and frightening experience. I made it my goal in every case to bring humanity to legal situations to clarify the dynamics of each unique client situation in a manner that reveals options for settlement, preserves the long-term interest of the family, and empowers the individual client. Indeed, people become more knowledgeable on how to resolve issues without harming each other, their children, or others, while experiencing peace.
Dolphin Lawyering vs. Shark Lawyering
Sharks, frankly, give lawyers a bad name. I have learned over the years to be a different kind of attorney from the sharks. I developed a profound ability to get into the world my clients are experiencing and feeling to uncover the necessary clarity in each divorce relationship dynamic. From there, I use my gifts to bring a sense of calm, resolve and hope that could never be reached with a Shark Lawyer. I call it, “Dolphin Lawyering”.
As opposed to a shark who smells blood from miles away and mindlessly devours whatever fish crosses its path, a dolphin is smarter about how it goes about its business. As warm-blooded mammals, dolphins are very intelligent and creative hunters. They can be deadly if they need to be, but can show compassion to other animals as well. Stories abound of dolphins defending humans from sharks.
How is this like lawyering you may ask?
Many lawyers operate solely by a lawyer’s instinct to act as a zealous advocate, which actually exacerbates conflict. They operate with standard operating procedures and cookie-cutter approaches to their cases failing to tailor their approach to the individual families with whom they work. As a result, legal fees escalate needlessly. Instead of helping, the process damages families and children. So many divorcing couples begin their divorce process with hopes of remaining friends and effective co-parents for their children. When a Shark Lawyer gets a hold of a family like that, it only makes the attorney richer. Indeed, the co-parenting relationship is destroyed and the children suffer.
A Smarter Approach.
The Shark Lawyer will defend her actions by pointing out that she was only being a “zealous advocate”. But zealous advocacy does not mean a lawyer should be a mindless man-eater. Good advocacy involves knowing when to fight and when to negotiate in a smart way.
Prior to a case starting, Dolphin Lawyers will spend time pre-planning with the client. The decision of how to divorce is almost as important as the decision whether to divorce. The Dolphin Lawyer will spend time with his client discussing all of the options for a dispute resolution process. While litigation is sometimes a necessary evil, a good advocate will take time to discuss consensual dispute resolution models such as mediation or Collaborative Practice. I always ask, “What specific, tailored approach is going to work for this family?” In contrast, the shark never asks such a question, simply going by mindless instinct and applying expensive and unnecessary standard operating procedures that may or may not be helpful. While the Dolphin Lawyer seeks to pour water on the fire, the Shark Lawyer pours gasoline.
The Dolphin Lawyer is No Wimp!
Keep in mind, Dolphin Lawyering is not wimpy. Dolphin Lawyer can nonetheless advocate strongly for her client’s interests. As a matter of fact, she can do it with compassion and intelligence. Certainly, the Dolphin Lawyer is as knowledgeable as any other attorney. The difference is about effectively applying knowledge to reduce conflict rather than to exacerbate it.
The Dolphin Lawyer is just as zealous an advocate as any Shark Lawyer. But the Dolphin Lawyer is a more effective advocate because he knows good practice is more than just winning at court. Rather, strong advocacy is about improving the client’s situation. While it may make the Shark Lawyer richer, exacerbating conflict and wasting money on unnecessary legal procedures is hardly effective.
The Dolphin Lawyer does not fear conflict. She is instead comfortable working with raw, heightened emotions. In particular, she understands that to lead her clients to peace, she must directly face the pain that led her clients to her door.
Dolphin Lawyer Compassion
A Dolphin Lawyer seeks to understand his client’s pain so that he can help find solutions. Without doubt, he understands that people are coming through his door at the worst times of their lives. He doesn’t judge. Rather, he seeks to be compassionate and understanding.
Below is a chart showing some of the key differences between Shark Lawyering and the Dolphin Lawyering:
Shark Lawyer
Dolphin Lawyer
Overly and unnecessarily aggressive.
Tough when needed, but understands that you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Avoids emotional discussions.
Understands that dealing with emotions is a key element to helping clients through a tough time.
Applies expensive and often unnecessary cookie-cutter standard operating procedures.
Tailors the process to the individual client instead of the client to the legal process.
Lacks Compassion or Empathy.
Uses compassion and empathy. Seeks to understand the client’s pain, so that he can find solutions.
Puts the Legal process first.
Puts the human element first.
Fans the flames.
Pours water on the fire.
Uses litigation only.
Offers alternate or consensual dispute resolution options such as mediation or Collaborative Practice.
Dolphin Lawyering vs. Shark Lawyering