My friend and colleague, San Diego Divorce Attorney Fran Setzer, wrote a great post about using a neutral Child Specialist to help with divorce proceedings.
A neutral Child Specialist, who is a mental health professional experienced with children and divorce, can be an excellent resource for parents and really puts the needs of the children front and center. I am a big fan of bringing the right specialized resource to the right situation. A Child Specialist is the perfect tool when considering the needs of kids in a divorce.
Issues involving kids and divorce can be tricky. One of the great things about using consensual dispute resolution options like Mediation and Collaborative Practice in your California divorce is that you can give your kids more of a say in how the parenting plan will turn out. This is not to say that you leave the decisions to the kids. It does, however, mean you can hear their voices, which can mean a lot to them, especially if they are old enough to thoughtfully express their preferences. Of course, they will probably want their parents to stay together, but it’s important to hear their opinions. Once they’ve said their thoughts, you can then explain to them that divorce is the best option for all of you. This situation could be eased even more by contacting a castle rock family lawyer to make the situation easier for the child. A family lawyer will be able to navigate the situation in the best way possible for the child, ensuring that they understand the situation.
Not all kids should be given the same level of input. How much you let your kids sway your decision making is up to you. You will want to consider such factors as the child’s maturity level, age, ability to articulate and emotional needs. But if you decide that giving the kids a voice is what you want to do in your family, here are some tips.
Let Your Divorce Mediator Talk to the Kids.
With kids and divorce, it is important to give children a voice. As a mediator, sometimes I will talk to the kids. I only do it if both parents agree that it will be appropriate. Importantly, I never ask the kids, “Where do you want to live.” And speaking of living situations, I always advise that the divorcee that they should never tell him where you live (by him, I mean the ex-husband). It’s for safety reasons. Anyway back to the kids, I will give them the chance in a non-threatening environment to say what is important to them. Writing their responses on a whiteboard and then, with their permission, I boil their thoughts down into a report to share with the parents.
It’s amazing what useful clues I can learn from the kids. In one case, the teenage kids told me that they worry their father will die from his alcohol abuse. In another situation, an over-scheduled child shared that he felt it was hard to relax because of his very busy schedule. He said that he had a hard time “just being a kid.”
Another child volunteered that his complex and confusing parenting schedule made it difficult to adjust to the move from one house to another. As a result, he felt his grades suffering. He expressed that because he was bouncing back and forth so often, he didn’t ever have time to feel at home in either household.
Before I talk to a child, I will get a release to speak to the child’s therapist if available. This gives me the insight to ensure that I spend time with the child appropriately given the child’s emotional circumstances.
Have a Joint Session with Parents and Therapist.
Another option for kids and divorce is to allow the child to articulate her feelings in a joint session with a therapist and parents. The therapist can help everyone find ways to work together for the good of the child. You can also trust that a mental health professional will take care to prevent the talk from becoming inappropriate. It can be a safe way to promote healthy dialogue and to appropriately empower your child.
With Kids and Divorce, Use a Collaborative Child Specialist.
In Collaborative Practice, we use neutral child specialists to make sure that the parenting plan will protect the child’s needs. The child specialist is a mental health professional experienced in helping kids through a divorce. In essence, the child specialist becomes an advocate for the child’s needs.
In the Collaborative Practice model, the work is confidential. As a result, it cannot be used later in court. Everyone can trust that they can be open and frank while working towards solutions. Children in divorce often tell parents what the parents want to hear and not necessarily how the children really feel. But kids will open up to a child specialist, giving her the ability to articulate the children’s unvarnished needs and worries. I have often used neutral child specialists even outside of Collaborative Practice. In my humble opinion, it never hurts to give kids an advocate. Using a trained child specialist is often the perfect solution.
Summary
There are many ways to give your kids a voice. These are just three. While it is generally not a good plan to let the kids feel like they are in charge, it never hurts to give them an opportunity to be heard. You may be surprised what your kids can teach you as you go through your divorce. Often the kids are ahead of the parents in dealing with the heartache and emotions of the split. Considering the kids’ needs and really, truly listening to their point of view can provide tremendous insight and great rewards. Most importantly, your kids will appreciate that you took the time to pay attention.
Many folks express a desire to keep the house in the divorce.
This is usually done by buying out the other party’s interest in the residence. This involves not only paying off the former spouse for his or her half of the equity, but usually involves a refinance to move the mortgage into your name only. While keeping the house may sound like what you want, it is very often a poor decision. It won’t be helpful to make yourself house poor to keep the house. Here are some points to consider when considering whether it’s a good idea to keep the residence or not:
To keep the house in the divorce is probably not about the kids.
While you may be thinking that the kids will need you to keep the house in the divorce, the reality is that it is often not true that a move will harm the children. Surely the kids won’t benefit if you put yourself into bankruptcy. Be careful that your thoughts and emotions are clear so that you are not allowing your own emotions and insecurities to cloud your judgment.
Don’t give away your retirement to keep the house in the divorce.
People will often try to find money in their retirement assets to trade for the residence buyout. While retirement may seem far away, it may be closer than your realize. Think twice about raiding your retirement. You won’t be able to enjoy your real estate in your old age if you can’t retire. Therefore, do not overdo it when it comes to keeping the house in the divorce. It may deplete your current savings.
Consider costs of sale.
If you sell your house as part of the divorce proceeding, you will be able to split the costs of the sale. In the event you do a buy-out, you will be stuck with the entire burden of costs of sale should you choose to sell later. The Courts rarely give a credit to the person keeping the residence for potential costs of sale. Additionally, there are usually substantial points and fees required for a refinance.
Consider your cash flow.
Remember, owning a house costs money. Make sure after support, you have sufficient cash flow to maintain the residence, mortgage, property taxes, maintenance, HOA fees, etc. You don’t want to be in a situation where you are cash poor and unable to pay your bills.
Talk to a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA)
Don’t rely on your lawyer for financial advice in making the important decision of whether to keep the house. You may find that it makes perfect sense to keep it, but make sure that you receive advice to help you plan for how you will do and how you will make keeping the house part of an overall strategy for your future. Hire a financial professional to get the best advice you can.
Many of my clients do choose to keep the house in the divorce. I feel better about those clients who consider the question carefully and weigh all of the relevant information before making a choice.
Sometimes a divorce or family law case can be like a perfect storm. The fissile material of fear, hurt and anger can lead people to make terrible choices as they navigate a very difficult legal process. This video offers tips on how to reduce reactivity in divorce to help encourage a peaceful, cost-effective and amicable divorce.
Peace and harmony are not prerequisites for divorce mediation.
Some people believe that a prerequisite for consensual dispute resolution options like Divorce Mediation or Collaborative Practice is that the parties have to get along or trust each other. That is simply not the case!
A good divorce mediator or collaborative practitioner knows how to get to the heart of the issues even when there is significant conflict. We consensual dispute resolution (CDR) professionals understand that people need our services when there is a dispute to resolve. Conflict is an inherent part of dispute resolution.
CDR professionals are not afraid of conflict.
They have training to get to the heart of what is keeping you from settling. I call these “fault lines”. A significant part of my work with couples in divorce mediation is taking the time to really listen and understand where the fault lines are and what is causing them. That way I can help.
With divorcing couples, I never just expect things to be easy. After all, you are divorcing for a reason. Surely things up until now have not been all butterflies and rainbows.
My mission is to bring humanity to legal situations to clarify the dynamics of each unique situation in a manner that reveals options for settlement, preserves the long-term interest of the family, and empowers the individual client. I have a profound ability to get into the world my clients are experiencing and feeling to uncover the necessary clarity in each divorce relationship dynamic. From there, I can use my gifts to bring a sense of calm, resolve and hope that could never be reached in adversarial litigation.
So, I take time. I listen – carefully. I try to help bridge the gaps. It’s often quite emotional. It’s only rarely easy. But, if the parties work hard to stretch to find a settlement, I can usually help.
If you are having trouble getting along, don’t let that stop you. There are few cases that must go to court. It’s my job to get you past the conflict and help you find peace for you and your family.
