When we think of the holidays, we think of family. Our traditions are all about bringing the family together and celebrating togetherness. We have Norman Rockwell style images in our heads of the family (and children) gathered around the table with something delicious. Whether it’s lighting the menorah or setting out cookies for Santa, the Holidays inspire hopes for greeting card type scenery and happy times with our children. After all, “it’s the most wonderful time of the year.” It is also during the holiday time that most parents may opt to take their kids for vacations. It can either be to busy cities like New York, Florida or to serene and peaceful countryside locations like the ones at Iceland. You can opt for camper rental and spend quality time with them on the highlands. They would definitely appreciate spending time with the nature.
However, for single parents, the holidays can be especially trying. As a family law attorney, I typically see an uptick in custody and visitation disputes prior to every major holiday. It makes sense that the most emotionally meaningful calendar dates for people sometimes lead to the most emotionally driven family disputes.
It is always amazing to me that a time of year for celebrating peace on earth can be so full of conflict. Often I will get a frantic call right before a special day.
Examples are:
“The kids were with my ex last year. Now he wants to take them again!”
“I have been planning a visit with my kids to see my parents in another state and now she is ruining our plans! I already bought plane tickets!”
“He is trying to buy the kids with expensive gifts. It makes me look terrible! He knows he doesn’t pay me enough support and I can’t keep up with him!”
“She is threatening to show up right in the middle of our holiday dinner.”
Below are some tips learned through years of trial and error as a family lawyer to help co-parents get through the holidays:
Tip #1: Be Specific In Your Holiday Co-Parenting Plan
There is a reason why lawyers write everything down. When you have your agreement in writing, there is less opportunity for playing games. When I draft custody orders, I try to include a written holiday schedule with specifics about when the kids will be with each parent for which holiday. For example, a provision might look something this:
“In every even-numbered year, Sarah shall be in the Father’s care at 10:00 A.M. on December 24 until 10:00 A.M. on December 25 and in the Mother’s care from 10:00 A.M. on December 25 until 10:00 A.M. on December 26. In every odd-numbered year, this schedule shall reverse.”
(As an aside, notice that I split up the Christmas holiday in a way that lets both parents share in the fun. This is a very typical type of provision to consider including in your holiday co-parenting plan.)
The more specific your order, the less confusing your holiday co-parenting will be on the day of the holiday. Remember, confusion and ambiguity breed conflict and disagreement.
Tip #2: Don’t Wait Until the Last Minute. Discuss and Agree to Holiday Co-Parenting Plans Early.
Planning a trip to North Dakota with the kids for winter break? Then make your holiday co-parenting plans and get your ex’s agreement early. I can’t tell you how many times I have seen a party make plans and buy non-refundable tickets only to have those plans dashed at the last minute because they didn’t consult with the other parent. Talk about it early. Agree on travel plans. Get it in writing.
Tip #3: Talk to each other about gifts.
It can be very awkward when both parents buy little Susie a Big Hugs Elmo. So, make an effort to coordinate. And please, don’t make it a competition. It’s about your child after all.
Tip #4: Control the Relatives.
Your child does not need to hear anyone speaking ill of the other parent over turkey, even if he really is a big jerk. Make sure that relatives and family members refrain from bad mouthing. Remember, that’s your child’s other parent they’re talking about. When you allow other people to speak ill of the other parent in front of your children, it only hurts the kids.
Tip #5: Don’t be selfish. Share!
There is a real temptation to want to keep all of the holiday fun for yourself. Avoid that type of thinking. When you are co-parenting, you simply may not get to spend every holiday with your child. It’s the season of giving-remember? However, you may consider (if you are up to it) spending a holiday together with the ex. Why not do the Santa thing together? It can really make a holiday special for your child if you can pull it off without fighting. Be realistic about it, though. If you really can’t get through an evening with your ex without throwing your egg nog at him, then go the separate route.
Tip #6: Respect Boundaries.
If it is your ex's year to have the kids on a holiday, remember to be respectful of her time with the kids. Don't interfere. Do not try to show up at the house unannounced during dinner. Don't worry. I know it may be really difficult to be away from your little ones during a special holiday, but it will be okay. Don't let your kids be the subject of a tug of war on a day that is supposed to be merry and joyful. Let them experience the holiday without being placed in the middle of your struggle. Just let go-at least for the holiday. Your ex will be grateful and will be more likely to return the favor when it's your year.
In fact, some are much better than others. What’s more, a bad family mediator can cost you a lot of stress and money in the long run. Good conflict resolution requires a very specific set of skills. In other words, it’s best to get a mediator as your neutral third party who knows what she is doing.
In California, there are no licensure requirements for mediators. So, it’s buyer beware to some extent.
Here are some questions to ask a divorce mediator:
#1: How much mediation training has the mediator had?
Training is really important. Good mediators have a specific skill set in working with parties to resolve their differences. These listening and communication skills are crucial to a case going well or poorly.
Make sure your mediator has sufficient training and has received continuing training too. For example, if they just took a course 15 years ago without getting updates, they will probably lack crucial skills.
Looking for divorce mediation training?
Check out Family Resolution Institute here
for more information.
#2: What other professional credentials does the mediator have?
Make sure your mediator has professional know-how beyond just a one-time mediation training course. Typical mediators are either lawyers, mental health professionals or financial professionals. They should have a working knowledge of the family law issues you are going to face.
When drafting a settlement agreement, it is often helpful to have a lawyer serve as your mediator. Mental health professionals are excellent for custody cases or cases where emotions are high. Financial professionals help a ton with money issues. If there is no other underlying credential, you might want to look elsewhere.
Also, be careful of unlicensed professionals. For instance, just because someone has a J.D., they may not necessarily be a licensed attorney. You certainly don’t want a disbarred attorney as your mediator. If they don’t have an active license, ask why.
#3: Is the mediator a full-time mediator, or a dabbler?
It’s best to get a mediator who mediates on a full-time basis. Be careful of dabblers. A person who mediates full-time takes the profession seriously.
People often get into trouble if they hire a person whose full-time job is as an adversarial attorney or a therapist, for example, who may only mediate now and then. Such folks will likely not have the skills you need to get results.
#4: Beware of one-day or super cheap processes.
Marriage is not an easy thing to unwind. Be careful of mediators who promise results in one day or some other very short time period. Chances are, you will feel rushed, and your settlement will not cover what it needs to cover. A good process typically involves several mediation sessions.
Also, be careful of super-cheap mediators. In many cases, you really do get what you pay for. There can be lasting consequences if you rush your divorce process and miss something important. Spend the time and money to get it right!
#5: Ask the divorce mediator about his/her process and conflict resolution style.
Every mediator is different and may have a different style. Some mediators are much more facilitative while others are more directive and evaluative. As a result, the relationship with your mediator is very personal.
A mediator who is excellent for one couple may not be so good for another. So take the time to get to know the mediator, her process, and style before you agree to mediate.
Very importantly, don’t rely on your mediator for legal advice. Even if your mediator is an attorney, he can’t be YOUR attorney because of conflict of interest concerns. So it is always smart during any mediation process to consult with a lawyer to ensure your decisions are informed.
It’s important to know the right questions to ask a divorce mediator. Hopefully, these tips will help you with the mediator selection process.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, we provide both collaborative law and mediation services. To get more information, give us a call at 858-410-0144.
You can control how angry and hurt you remain after your divorce. Using principles of forgiveness during divorce will help you control divorce emotions and move on.
Almost every divorce involves a situation where somebody did someone wrong. Or… at the very least, someone feels like someone did somebody wrong. Sometimes I feel like I am living the B.J. Thomas song, “Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song”.
The reality is that divorce sucks. It hurts a lot in fact. As a California divorce mediator, I used to hide behind the excuse that California is a no-fault state and what happened to lead to the divorce is legally irrelevant. But the no-fault concept misses the point that divorce is more than just a legal process; it’s a human experience. If you require legal help through the divorce, here’s what to expect from their services – https://www.benchrestgallery.com/how-a-divorce-lawyer-can-help/.
Divorce Causes Real Pain: The Need to Control Divorce Emotions
The parties to a divorce are real people with real pain. Often a case just won’t settle until the parties can process their divorce emotions, hurt, and pain. This can almost always be made easier once you are in touch with a Family Attorney, because not only do they advise you on your rights, but they are there there for you when you are at your most vulnerable to protect you. They can help you focus, and process your emotions.
I don’t mean to minimize the pain of divorce emotions because I know it is very real. However, one can find that place where a person can let go of the anger and hurt in order to move on. Forgiveness during divorce and after really is possible.
Don’t Be a Monkey
Perhaps you have heard of the fable of the monkey trap. Apparently, you can take a jar with an opening large enough to fit a monkey hand and fill the jar with cookies. The monkey then comes along, inserts his hand through the opening to grab a cookie. However, because his fist with the cookie is now larger than the opening to the jar, the monkey can’t remove his fist and is trapped. Rather than rationally letting go of the cookie, the monkey will remain trapped indefinitely.
There is at least some truth to the story as shown by this video about a hunter capturing a baboon with a similar strategy:
Similar to the monkey who won’t let go, we tend to hold onto our grudges. By holding onto our hurt and anger with a clenched fist, we can become trapped until we figure out to let go. Similar to the monkey, it’s hard to escape a divorce situation without learning to also release the clenched fist. A person might finish her divorce, but will still carry the pain into the post-divorce life and even into the next relationship.
Forgiveness during divorce is an important way to release anger.
Buddha said, “Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Anger and the search for revenge rarely help anything. They certainly don’t bring peace.
If you find yourself consumed with anger when you think of your ex, consider letting go. Make a conscious decision to forgive the other person. Notice that I am not suggesting that you allow anyone to cause you harm again. I simply suggest that forgiving and letting go of the anger will help to control divorce emotions. It will go a long way to finding peace.
Remember, forgiveness during divorce is an exercise that only the injured person can control. It does not require the wrongdoer to pay for what he did to you or to apologize. The other person does not even need to be sorry. Your forgiving and letting go is entirely up to you. It’s not easy, but it is completely within your control.
If you find forgiveness during divorce difficult to achieve and find that it gets in the way of moving on, consider discussing the issue with clergy or mental health professionals. Those former professionals can dig up the Church Resources and help you with solutions on how to proceed in life. Perhaps, hearing such practical and reliable advice could be something that you need at this point. Until you can control divorce emotions and let go of the anger, you, like the monkey, will be stuck. If you have employed one of the Denver law firms to assist you through the divorce process, they may be able to offer you some support too.
If you think forgiveness during a divorce is too hard, you are wrong. It is reachable. There are tons of examples in the world of people who forgave the unspeakable and made their lives better. See the examples below:
Sometimes it is most difficult in divorce cases to divide personal property -the “stuff” accumulated over the years of a relationship. When people share their lives with each other, they also share and accumulate a lot of personal property. Sometimes the task of dividing the household furniture, furnishings and appliances can be a real struggle. Not only can it be difficult to physically divide and value the assets, it can be a real emotional rollercoaster.
I mediated for a divorcing couple recently, who had their most difficult struggles dividing the pots, pans, furniture, washer, dryer, stereo and those little knick-knacks they picked up at the swap meet over the years. Worse they were on the “pack rat” side of things so they accumulated a lot of things together. Each item represented something important. One piece of artwork reminded them of their romantic vacation in Mexico. The silver they had purchased together to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. The little statuette on the mantel was a gift from their child. All through the house they saw many symbols of their relationship and all that they had invested in each other. As a result, a task to divide personal property was extremely painful.
Here are some tips to help you divide personal property:
Understand that the court would only award a household asset at garage sale value.
Unless it is a Steinway Grand Piano or a rare piece of artwork, the chances are high that your stuff is not worth nearly what you may think. While you are looking at the values of things, think of what you would, as an objective outsider, pay for the item at a garage sale or a flea market. Be careful not to allow emotions to “inflate” in your mind the value of the flatware or the coffee maker. Yes we know that the teddy bear collection is absolutely adorable, but honestly, what would a third person really want to pay for it. Use common sense and don’t allow your emotions to cloud things for you when you divide personal property.
Do it yourself.
It is really not cost effective to pay your attorney $300 plus per hour to fight about who gets which couch or who gets the bath mat. If it’s a high dollar asset such as expensive artwork or collectable antiques, you may want to use your professionals. But, for most things it makes more sense to save the money and do it yourself.
Do an inventory first.
It’s a good idea early in the process and before you start dividing things to make a list. If time is a problem, I often recommend going through the house with a video camera and speaking about each item as you tape. You can then go make your list later.
Make a list to divide personal property.
In fact, make several lists. I suggest four columns. Column 1 means he gets it. Column 2 means she gets it. Sell everything you list in column three and divide what money you get equally. Column 4 is for those things in your closet to throw away or donate like the polyester suit in the closet, your old beta video tapes or the pile of Louis L’Amour novels that you haven’t read in twenty years. Notice, I am not including a list for items about which you cannot agree. I am a big believer in using the old Solomon method. If you can’t agree on who gets it, then sell it or donate it. You simply can’t afford, for most items, to spend the time arguing and spending money on your attorneys. One idea, if you are stuck, is to just take turns picking items you can’t agree on until they are gone. Another idea is to give extremely sentimental items as gifts to your children.
Make a plan for photographs and videos.
I recommend that you choose a date when each of you will make photographs and videos taken during the marriage available to the other. The person making the photograph or video available will allow the other to choose which ones he or she would like to duplicate. There are services available that can duplicate photographs and even restore some of them for you for a reasonable fee. You can also convert your old vhs to digital so that you both can keep a copy of your videotapes with yourselves. With today’s computers, scanners and printers, you might be able to do a lot of this yourselves. Each of you should share equally in the duplication costs.
Pets, according to the law, are property.
I have had many clients tell me how their pets have become nearly as important to them as children. They are often surprised to learn that the court deals with them not as living things so much as property. Few courts will entertain a pet “custody battle.” Remember, a court has the ability to truly play Solomon with your pets and order them sold. I advise parties to do everything they can to work it out relating to the pets. Do everything possible to consider your pets’ needs and do what is best for them rather than allowing them to become an issue of property division.
Be careful if there is a history of domestic violence.
In cases where there has been domestic violence, sometimes it is difficult to sit together and divide personal property. In such instances, it is probably advisable to go ahead and use your attorney as at least a go between. Naturally, if there are restraining orders in place, it would be impossible to meet face to face. But the same ideas described above apply. It is just you will need to make arrangements to inventory the house without the other being present and with proper legal arrangements. Don’t violate a restraining order just to get some stuff out of the house.
I have had many clients tell me that the process of dividing the personal items was a healthy cleansing process.
One client told me, it was nice to get rid of some of our old, useless stuff and start over for a fresh, clean break. If even after following these steps, a couple still finds it difficult emotionally, I recommend making use of a divorce coach, who can even come to your home while you do the division. Typically using a single divorce coach is much more cost effective than using your attorneys to divide household items.
If both parties approach the task to divide personal property with a fair, patient and open mind they will likely be successful in doing the division with little to no attorney intervention. The court’s are particularly happy when parties can reach agreements on their own. Parties should be careful not to allow the division of things bring unnecessary conflict. Remember, they are just things and not people.
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For many of my clients, the holidays after divorce can be a difficult time.
Many are keenly aware of the loss they have suffered as the result of their divorce and will go to great lengths to preserve a sense of family. The changes to the family, for many, are in stark contrast to the ideal Norman Rockwell Holiday memories they want their kids to have. People also, quite reasonably, want their children with them on those special days. All of that is reasonable, but when the wish to have your kids with you on a special Holiday turns into conflict between you and your ex, your kids can suffer.
It’s a bit ironic that in this season when we are supposedly celebrating peace on earth, some of the greatest interfamily conflict can occur and if you’re not careful, your kids will be right in the middle of a holiday visitation disaster. Here are just a few ideas about how to bring “Peace on Earth” to your kids for the holidays after divorce:
Consider Celebrating Some Part of the Holiday Together with Your Ex.
I know, you worked hard to get away from your former spouse, but your kids didn’t. For their sake, consider putting the past behind you and let your kids open presents with both of their parents. That said, if you just can’t be in the same room with the other parent without it devolving into a slug fest, then reconsider. But if you both can keep it together long enough for the kids to have a nice holiday, you will have done something very kind for them. This is the season of giving after all.
Coordinate Presents with the Other Parent.
Much of the holidays after divorce conflict we see is when the parents compete with each other over the present giving. Don’t let that happen. Rather, spend some time early coordinating the gift giving with the other parent. Perhaps consider purchasing joint gifts. Don’t let something as beautiful as gift giving turn into an ugly competition.
Don’t Project Your Own Emotions About the Holidays After Divorce Onto Your Kids.
Holiday visitation stirs up all kinds of feelings and emotions. Regret, guilt, anger, resentment, loneliness- these are feelings that can pop up in spades during the holidays. However, if these are your emotions, they might not necessarily be what your kids are feeling. We have a tendency to project our own feelings and frustrations onto others, when that is usually not appropriate. Be aware of that and keep your expression of emotions in check. Stay selfless and make the holidays about others and what their needs are. Be mindful, that your kids’ needs will likely include time with the other parent.
Plan the Holiday Visitation and Travel Schedule Early.
Don't just assume that your ex will be aware of or will cooperate in fulfilling your expectations for the perfect holiday with the kids. Communicate early and plan ahead with your kids' other parent to reduce confusion or frustration when the holiday comes around. Don't assume anything about the schedule. Don't wait until Thanksgiving to talk about the holidays. Start talking and coordinating in July – or even earlier. That way, when the holiday comes around, there will be no surprises.
In summary, the holidays after divorce can be a time when cherished memories are created. However, they can also be a time of heartache and terrible memories if not done properly. Don't let problems with holiday visitation be a flashpoint for your kids to remember how badly you and your ex behaved. Let it be "Peace on Earth" for your kids. That means that you need to take responsibility to be a peacemaker with the other parent.
These are just a few ideas. Maybe you have some ideas or tips. Share them with me!
