Alas! A New Year has come and gone again. For most of my current clients, 2023 was a rough year. It brought them the end of their marriages. Although the year may have been filled with conflict with a former spouse over money, kids, etc., you are ready to move on. Perhaps there were tears shed. Maybe dreams were shattered. Sound depressing? It can be. But 2023 is over, so there is an opportunity to build a new experience for the New Year post divorce.
Here are my suggestions for some words to consider when making your resolutions for the New Year post divorce. This is in no way a comprehensive list. It’s just some of my own thoughts. Perhaps you have your own resolution ideas that you would like to share. Here are mine:
Peace in the New Year After Divorce.
You got a divorce for a reason, right? I’m sure things weren’t all butterflies and rainbows. But now you are divorced. So take the opportunity to stop the fighting and discontinue the war with your ex. If there is a legitimate legal concern that needs addressing, use mediation or Collaborative Practice instead of adversarial litigation to resolve those differences. It’s a great opportunity to move on and find peace in the New Year post divorce. A meditation or mindfulness practice can go a long way towards achieving some peace.
Co-Parenting in the New Year After Divorce.
Before your divorce, parenting may have been easier. Post-divorce, you still have to interact with the person you divorced to raise your kids. Your kids need you to get along. There is a lot of evidence that continued parental conflict after the divorce is very harmful to children. Resolve now to be the best co-parent you can be in the New Year post divorce. Look for ways to be cooperative (even when the other parent doesn’t). If you haven’t always been a leader in the child rearing arena, now is the time to step up to the plate and make a helpful contribution. Be the grown up here and your kids will thank you.
Self-reliance in the New Year After Divorce.
Now that you are on your own, you don’t have the other person there to rely on. This is a great opportunity to stand on your own two feet with your head held high. Be your own person. Be strong. Be self-assured. Be independent.
If you are receiving alimony, look for ways to be self-supporting so that you don’t need support anymore. Meet with a vocational counselor to make new career goals. Enroll in school or get trained, or retrained, in a field that you can be passionate about.
Plan for your future financial well-being. So, meet with a financial advisor to make sure you are using your money wisely. Come up with a five year or ten-year plan. Then, check in with an estate planning attorney to make sure you have updated your will and estate plan, as you’ll want to make sure that anything you name in this document goes to the trustee of your choice.
Health in the New Year After Divorce.
Perhaps during 2023 you let the stress of the divorce affect your health. Maybe you didn’t eat well. Perhaps you stopped going to the gym. Or maybe you weren’t sleeping well. Perhaps you were depressed or angry causing your emotional well-being to suffer. Resolve now to restore your health in the New Year post divorce.
Take the time to eat well and exercise. Get good sleep. What’s more, get your annual physical from your doctor and make a plan for your physical health. Take care of your body and it will take care of you.
But don’t forget your emotional health either. Divorce can be such a toxic and painful experience. If you are struggling, meet with a therapist and work through the changes in your life resulting from your divorce. Before you date, make sure that you work though any lingering issues you may have so that you can be your best self before you involve another person in your life. I have noticed a clear correlation in my clients who sought post-divorce therapy and their level of happiness years later.
Forgiveness in the New Year After Divorce.
I know that “forgiveness” is a loaded word. It’s easier said then done. You may feel hurt or anger toward your former spouse. As mentioned before, you’ve lived through the whole process of finding a family lawyer, dealing with the stress of separation, and still taking care of the kids. You chose to divorce for a reason. And yes, consequently, you are divorced now. It’s time to let it go. The past is in the past.
Now keep in mind, I am not suggesting you allow more abuse if that is what happened before. Keep in place whatever safety measure you have to prevent others from hurting you again. I am just suggesting it is time to move on from there. Anger and hurt can be very damaging emotions. Do what you can this year to forgive so that you can leave those terrible feelings behind you. If you find you can’t do it alone (and most can’t) talk to someone. Turn to a spiritual advisor or a mentor to help you leave the past in the past.
Don’t forget to forgive yourself. Guilt has it’s place, but it can eat you up if you can’t get past it. Perhaps you have serious regrets about how your marriage ended. Rather than let the guilt consume you, find a way to learn from the experience, forgive everyone involved and move on.
You have read my list of New Year’s Resolution words for the newly divorced. What are some of your words? I would love to read them!
If you’re interested in using mediation to divorce but your spouse is not willing, there are some things you can do to convince your spouse to mediate. Here are seven tips to help you convince your spouse to do mediation:
1. Discuss the benefits of mediation.
Before you attempt to convince your spouse to mediate, it’s important to be clear on the benefits of mediation. Emphasize how mediation can save both of you time, money, and emotional stress compared to going to court. Explain how the process allows both parties to have more control over the outcome and can lead to a more amicable resolution. A good approach is to communicate your desire to honor what was good about your relationship as you transition out of the marriage. Hiring a mediator is a good way to part with mutual respect rather than with anger and hurt.
2. Address your spouse’s concerns.
If your spouse doesn’t want to participate in mediation, convincing them to mediate requires you to address their concerns. First, listen to their reasons for resistance and acknowledge their feelings. Then, explain how mediation can help them address these concerns and work through any issues that arise during the process.
3. Choose a divorce mediator who aligns with your spouse’s goals.
Because a divorce mediator must be neutral, it’s important to find one who aligns with your spouse’s goals and yours. It’s hard to convince your ex to mediate if she doesn’t feel good about the mediator. Ask potential mediators about their approach and style and then choose one who will work well with your spouse.
4. Involve your spouse in the mediator selection process.
It’s important to involve your spouse in the choice of a mediator. If your spouse feels like they have some control over the process, they may be more willing to participate. Show them a list of potential mediators and ask for input about who would work best for them. At this point, you may not need to covince your spouse to mediate because they will have convinced themselves!
5. Hire a divorce coach to help with how to convince your spouse to mediate.
If your spouse still resists to the idea of mediation, consider hiring a divorce coach to help you enroll them. A coach can help you strategize how to present mediation to your spouse in a way that resonates with them, address any concerns they may have, and help you communicate more effectively with them. By enlisting the help of a coach, you may, as a result, be able to overcome obstacles preventing your spouse from participating in mediation.
6. Find success stories.
Research and share stories of successful mediations with your spouse. Perhaps you have mutual friends who were successful with their own divorce mediation. This can help alleviate fears or doubts they may have about the process and show them that mediation can be a positive experience.
7. Seek therapy or counseling.
If your spouse is still resistant to mediation, it may be helpful to seek therapy or counseling together. A therapist can help you both work through emotional blocks keeping your spouse from participating in mediation. Additionally, a therapist can help you both communicate better, which can ultimately lead to a more successful mediation process. As such, therapists can be terrific allies when convincing your ex to mediate.
Conclusion: Convincing your spouse to mediate may not always be an easy process, but it’s worth the effort.
Convincing your spouse to mediate may not always be an easy process. However, it’s worth the effort if you want to avoid a long and ugly court battle. By using these seven tips, you can help your spouse understand the benefits of mediation, address their concerns, involve them in the selection process, and even hire a divorce coach or seek therapy to enroll them in the process. Remember, mediation can save you time, money, and emotional stress, and it can lead to a more amicable resolution that both parties can feel good about. With the right approach and resources, you can successfully convince your spouse to participate in mediation. This will help you move forward with your divorce in a positive and helpful way.
Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience. Even if you have done all your research and know exactly how divorce works, it is still often a very toxic and harmful process. But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce. Here are some tips:
1. Hire the cheapest attorney.
You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce. So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book if you want a miserable divorce. But if you’re looking for a good divorce, it might be worth finding a more experienced and reputable lawyer in your local area.
For California divorces, we recommend finding a specialist in family law who is certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Speclialization. Such attorneys have had to meet certain experience requirements and have passed an extra bar examination for family law specialization. You will often see the person referred to as a Certified Family Law Specialist or with a designation such as “CFLS” or “CLS-F”.
2. Find a shark to represent you.
Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find. Make sure she is very expensive. Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face. This is indeed a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful.
A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all. The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours. In fact, what little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to. When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest. Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.
You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now. Moreover, you want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety.
A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional. By all means, try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.
Without being sarcastic here, it’s smart to seek counseling from a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are not ready to hear what the other person is saying or the problem is something other than what you see. In truth, it can be helpful getting a third person’s point of view so that you can understand how it might appear to others. It may also provide you with a fresh perspective on things.
4. Use your children as pawns.
One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process. Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself. So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex.
Without a doubt, make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict. Use them as messengers for adult business. Tell them about how horrible your ex is. Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can. Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids. That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions. Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.
5. Demand justice.
There is no such thing as justice in Family Court. That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it! It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed. Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness. Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.
Shawn Weber’s appearance on the Bryan Devore Connection
Shawn was recently a guest on the Bryan Divorce Connection, where he shared his Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce with Bryan’s viewers. Check it out and let us know what you think.
To learn more about Bryan Devore and the Bryan Devorce Connection, click here.
I have seen A LOT of malpractice by otherwise supposedly competent lawyers in the area of prenuptial agreements. The California law for prenuptial agreements is fairly strict for what will pass muster and what will be thrown out. If you don’t get it right, your prenup won’t be worth the paper it is written on.
4. There must be a waiver of further disclosure expressly waiving, in writing, any right to disclosure of the property or debts of each spouse beyond the disclosure provided. The parties should execute this prior in time to the signing of the prenup. California Family Code § 1615(a)(2)(B).
5. Both parties should have counsel. Furthermore, each attorney should sign off on the prenuptial agreement. California Family Code § 1615 (c)(1). (Technically, California Family Code section 1615(c)(3) provides that a prenuptial agreement could be enforceable with only one attorney. However, it is harder and I don’t recommend it. I won’t do a prenup without lawyers on both sides. That’s because the requirements to show that the other party was fully informed of rights and obligations is too onerous. Because it sets the single attorney up for a lawsuit, I simply won’t do it.)
6. Both parties must have had no less than seven calendar days to review the prenuptial agreement between the time it is presented in final form and it is signed. California Family Code § 1615 (c)(2).
Download the free Weber Dispute Resolution Prenup Checklist HERE!
Notary?
Although the code does not specifically require it, I always notarize my prenuptial agreements. Another tactic is to follow the agreement up with a postnuptial agreement for reinforcement.
Do a postnuptial too
Different rules apply to postnuptial agreements. So, if a court throws out the prenuptial agreement under the premarital agreement act, the same document as a postnuptial agreement may save the day
Gotta have counsel
When you are contemplating your own prenuptial agreement, make sure you do it with an attorney. Don’t rely on an online service or a paralegal service to prepare your documents. Too much can go wrong and it is very easy for a court to throw out an agreement if it doesn’t meet the requirements of the code. Also, as mentioned above, don’t let your attorney fly solo on this. So, make sure the other party has counsel.
Get it right!
Again, I have seen a lot of attorneys go down in flames because an agreement ran afoul of the code. I have seen even more agreements go down in flames because the parties tried to do it without counsel. Word to the wise: Get it right.
The idea of the “Gavron Warning” came from the case In Re Marriage of Gavron, (1988) 203 Cal.App.3d 705, 250 Cal.Rptr. 148. In this case, the parties separated in 1976 after a 25 year marriage. Subsequently, the court ordered the husband to pay $1,100 per month of alimony. He did so until 1981, when he asked the court to reduce support to $550 and then terminate entirely after one year. This initial request was denied.
However, the husband tried again in 1986. This time the court ordered that support would continue for five months and then terminate. The wife appealed and reversed the trial court’s order. The appellate court held that because the wife was not warned in prior orders to become self-sufficient, she could not be penalized years later because the court did not tell her to make efforts. In essence, as the court argued, the failure to focus her on the expectation to become self-sufficient meant that the court could not cut her support now.
Because of this case, the courts will frequently issue a warning to the supported spouse. Here is an example of a Gavron Warning:
“NOTICE: It is the goal of this state that each party will make reasonable good faith efforts to become self-supporting as provided for in Family Code section 4320. The failure to make reasonable good faith efforts may be one of the factors considered by the court as a basis for modifying or terminating spousal or partner support.”
Supporting Spouses will want the Gavron Warning included
So, the lesson for support payers is to make sure that the court includes such language in the spousal support order. If it is not, it may be harder to reduce income later if the supported spouse refuses to make good faith efforts to become self-sufficient. When I am representing a support payer, I always ask the judge for a Gavron Warning and I almost always include it in written stipulations. I will also sometimes simply file and serve a written Gavron Warning to the supported party myself at the beginning of the case so that there is no question that the supported party has been warned.
The supported spouse will likely rather not have the Gavron Warning included, but it is hard to oppose it
When I am representing a supported spouse, naturally I will not bring the Gavron Warning up. However, if opposing counsel wants it in an order, there is no legal basis to resist it. The moral for the supported spouse is not to count on the alimony as a permanent means of support.
I frequently refer the supported spouse for vocational counseling to assist with re-entering a career. I get as much alimony as I can, but encourage the prudence of planning for self-reliance. After all, no one knows for sure what the future holds. Not only could the support payer try to reduce alimony, it could simply terminate by means of death. Any changed circumstance such as unemployment or disability could force a reduction or termination in support too. The best advice is to use the support as a life preserver to stay afloat in the short run, but take steps immediately to be ready for when the support may no longer be available.
