Alas! A New Year has come and gone again. For most of my current clients, 2023 was a rough year. It brought them the end of their marriages. Although the year may have been filled with conflict with a former spouse over money, kids, etc., you are ready to move on. Perhaps there were tears shed. Maybe dreams were shattered. Sound depressing? It can be. But 2023 is over, so there is an opportunity to build a new experience for the New Year post divorce.
Here are my suggestions for some words to consider when making your resolutions for the New Year post divorce. This is in no way a comprehensive list. It’s just some of my own thoughts. Perhaps you have your own resolution ideas that you would like to share. Here are mine:
Peace in the New Year After Divorce.
You got a divorce for a reason, right? I’m sure things weren’t all butterflies and rainbows. But now you are divorced. So take the opportunity to stop the fighting and discontinue the war with your ex. If there is a legitimate legal concern that needs addressing, use mediation or Collaborative Practice instead of adversarial litigation to resolve those differences. It’s a great opportunity to move on and find peace in the New Year post divorce. A meditation or mindfulness practice can go a long way towards achieving some peace.
Co-Parenting in the New Year After Divorce.
Before your divorce, parenting may have been easier. Post-divorce, you still have to interact with the person you divorced to raise your kids. Your kids need you to get along. There is a lot of evidence that continued parental conflict after the divorce is very harmful to children. Resolve now to be the best co-parent you can be in the New Year post divorce. Look for ways to be cooperative (even when the other parent doesn’t). If you haven’t always been a leader in the child rearing arena, now is the time to step up to the plate and make a helpful contribution. Be the grown up here and your kids will thank you.
Self-reliance in the New Year After Divorce.
Now that you are on your own, you don’t have the other person there to rely on. This is a great opportunity to stand on your own two feet with your head held high. Be your own person. Be strong. Be self-assured. Be independent.
If you are receiving alimony, look for ways to be self-supporting so that you don’t need support anymore. Meet with a vocational counselor to make new career goals. Enroll in school or get trained, or retrained, in a field that you can be passionate about.
Plan for your future financial well-being. So, meet with a financial advisor to make sure you are using your money wisely. Come up with a five year or ten-year plan. Then, check in with an estate planning attorney to make sure you have updated your will and estate plan, as you’ll want to make sure that anything you name in this document goes to the trustee of your choice.
Health in the New Year After Divorce.
Perhaps during 2023 you let the stress of the divorce affect your health. Maybe you didn’t eat well. Perhaps you stopped going to the gym. Or maybe you weren’t sleeping well. Perhaps you were depressed or angry causing your emotional well-being to suffer. Resolve now to restore your health in the New Year post divorce.
Take the time to eat well and exercise. Get good sleep. What’s more, get your annual physical from your doctor and make a plan for your physical health. Take care of your body and it will take care of you.
But don’t forget your emotional health either. Divorce can be such a toxic and painful experience. If you are struggling, meet with a therapist and work through the changes in your life resulting from your divorce. Before you date, make sure that you work though any lingering issues you may have so that you can be your best self before you involve another person in your life. I have noticed a clear correlation in my clients who sought post-divorce therapy and their level of happiness years later.
Forgiveness in the New Year After Divorce.
I know that “forgiveness” is a loaded word. It’s easier said then done. You may feel hurt or anger toward your former spouse. As mentioned before, you’ve lived through the whole process of finding a family lawyer, dealing with the stress of separation, and still taking care of the kids. You chose to divorce for a reason. And yes, consequently, you are divorced now. It’s time to let it go. The past is in the past.
Now keep in mind, I am not suggesting you allow more abuse if that is what happened before. Keep in place whatever safety measure you have to prevent others from hurting you again. I am just suggesting it is time to move on from there. Anger and hurt can be very damaging emotions. Do what you can this year to forgive so that you can leave those terrible feelings behind you. If you find you can’t do it alone (and most can’t) talk to someone. Turn to a spiritual advisor or a mentor to help you leave the past in the past.
Don’t forget to forgive yourself. Guilt has it’s place, but it can eat you up if you can’t get past it. Perhaps you have serious regrets about how your marriage ended. Rather than let the guilt consume you, find a way to learn from the experience, forgive everyone involved and move on.
You have read my list of New Year’s Resolution words for the newly divorced. What are some of your words? I would love to read them!
If you’re interested in using mediation to divorce but your spouse is not willing, there are some things you can do to convince your spouse to mediate. Here are seven tips to help you convince your spouse to do mediation:
1. Discuss the benefits of mediation.
Before you attempt to convince your spouse to mediate, it’s important to be clear on the benefits of mediation. Emphasize how mediation can save both of you time, money, and emotional stress compared to going to court. Explain how the process allows both parties to have more control over the outcome and can lead to a more amicable resolution. A good approach is to communicate your desire to honor what was good about your relationship as you transition out of the marriage. Hiring a mediator is a good way to part with mutual respect rather than with anger and hurt.
2. Address your spouse’s concerns.
If your spouse doesn’t want to participate in mediation, convincing them to mediate requires you to address their concerns. First, listen to their reasons for resistance and acknowledge their feelings. Then, explain how mediation can help them address these concerns and work through any issues that arise during the process.
3. Choose a divorce mediator who aligns with your spouse’s goals.
Because a divorce mediator must be neutral, it’s important to find one who aligns with your spouse’s goals and yours. It’s hard to convince your ex to mediate if she doesn’t feel good about the mediator. Ask potential mediators about their approach and style and then choose one who will work well with your spouse.
4. Involve your spouse in the mediator selection process.
It’s important to involve your spouse in the choice of a mediator. If your spouse feels like they have some control over the process, they may be more willing to participate. Show them a list of potential mediators and ask for input about who would work best for them. At this point, you may not need to covince your spouse to mediate because they will have convinced themselves!
5. Hire a divorce coach to help with how to convince your spouse to mediate.
If your spouse still resists to the idea of mediation, consider hiring a divorce coach to help you enroll them. A coach can help you strategize how to present mediation to your spouse in a way that resonates with them, address any concerns they may have, and help you communicate more effectively with them. By enlisting the help of a coach, you may, as a result, be able to overcome obstacles preventing your spouse from participating in mediation.
6. Find success stories.
Research and share stories of successful mediations with your spouse. Perhaps you have mutual friends who were successful with their own divorce mediation. This can help alleviate fears or doubts they may have about the process and show them that mediation can be a positive experience.
7. Seek therapy or counseling.
If your spouse is still resistant to mediation, it may be helpful to seek therapy or counseling together. A therapist can help you both work through emotional blocks keeping your spouse from participating in mediation. Additionally, a therapist can help you both communicate better, which can ultimately lead to a more successful mediation process. As such, therapists can be terrific allies when convincing your ex to mediate.
Conclusion: Convincing your spouse to mediate may not always be an easy process, but it’s worth the effort.
Convincing your spouse to mediate may not always be an easy process. However, it’s worth the effort if you want to avoid a long and ugly court battle. By using these seven tips, you can help your spouse understand the benefits of mediation, address their concerns, involve them in the selection process, and even hire a divorce coach or seek therapy to enroll them in the process. Remember, mediation can save you time, money, and emotional stress, and it can lead to a more amicable resolution that both parties can feel good about. With the right approach and resources, you can successfully convince your spouse to participate in mediation. This will help you move forward with your divorce in a positive and helpful way.
Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience. Even if you have done all your research and know exactly how divorce works, it is still often a very toxic and harmful process. But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce. Here are some tips:
1. Hire the cheapest attorney.
You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce. So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book if you want a miserable divorce. But if you’re looking for a good divorce, it might be worth finding a more experienced and reputable lawyer in your local area.
For California divorces, we recommend finding a specialist in family law who is certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Speclialization. Such attorneys have had to meet certain experience requirements and have passed an extra bar examination for family law specialization. You will often see the person referred to as a Certified Family Law Specialist or with a designation such as “CFLS” or “CLS-F”.
2. Find a shark to represent you.
Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find. Make sure she is very expensive. Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face. This is indeed a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful.
A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all. The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours. In fact, what little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to. When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest. Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.
You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now. Moreover, you want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety.
A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional. By all means, try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.
Without being sarcastic here, it’s smart to seek counseling from a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are not ready to hear what the other person is saying or the problem is something other than what you see. In truth, it can be helpful getting a third person’s point of view so that you can understand how it might appear to others. It may also provide you with a fresh perspective on things.
4. Use your children as pawns.
One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process. Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself. So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex.
Without a doubt, make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict. Use them as messengers for adult business. Tell them about how horrible your ex is. Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can. Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids. That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions. Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.
5. Demand justice.
There is no such thing as justice in Family Court. That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it! It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed. Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness. Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.
Shawn Weber’s appearance on the Bryan Devore Connection
Shawn was recently a guest on the Bryan Divorce Connection, where he shared his Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce with Bryan’s viewers. Check it out and let us know what you think.
To learn more about Bryan Devore and the Bryan Devorce Connection, click here.
I have seen A LOT of malpractice by otherwise supposedly competent lawyers in the area of prenuptial agreements. The California law for prenuptial agreements is fairly strict for what will pass muster and what will be thrown out. If you don’t get it right, your prenup won’t be worth the paper it is written on.
4. There must be a waiver of further disclosure expressly waiving, in writing, any right to disclosure of the property or debts of each spouse beyond the disclosure provided. The parties should execute this prior in time to the signing of the prenup. California Family Code § 1615(a)(2)(B).
5. Both parties should have counsel. Furthermore, each attorney should sign off on the prenuptial agreement. California Family Code § 1615 (c)(1). (Technically, California Family Code section 1615(c)(3) provides that a prenuptial agreement could be enforceable with only one attorney. However, it is harder and I don’t recommend it. I won’t do a prenup without lawyers on both sides. That’s because the requirements to show that the other party was fully informed of rights and obligations is too onerous. Because it sets the single attorney up for a lawsuit, I simply won’t do it.)
6. Both parties must have had no less than seven calendar days to review the prenuptial agreement between the time it is presented in final form and it is signed. California Family Code § 1615 (c)(2).
Download the free Weber Dispute Resolution Prenup Checklist HERE!
Notary?
Although the code does not specifically require it, I always notarize my prenuptial agreements. Another tactic is to follow the agreement up with a postnuptial agreement for reinforcement.
Do a postnuptial too
Different rules apply to postnuptial agreements. So, if a court throws out the prenuptial agreement under the premarital agreement act, the same document as a postnuptial agreement may save the day
Gotta have counsel
When you are contemplating your own prenuptial agreement, make sure you do it with an attorney. Don’t rely on an online service or a paralegal service to prepare your documents. Too much can go wrong and it is very easy for a court to throw out an agreement if it doesn’t meet the requirements of the code. Also, as mentioned above, don’t let your attorney fly solo on this. So, make sure the other party has counsel.
Get it right!
Again, I have seen a lot of attorneys go down in flames because an agreement ran afoul of the code. I have seen even more agreements go down in flames because the parties tried to do it without counsel. Word to the wise: Get it right.
This article was originally posted in 2013. We have received such a positive reaction that we are reposting it. It was the subject of Shawn Weber’s upcoming interview on the Real Talk San Diego Facebook Live program on March 28 at 1:00 PM PDT. Watch it here: https://www.facebook.com/yourwealthhour
Some dads aren’t so great
Let me preface this post by noting that there are a lot of terrible fathers. Many of them are abusive, punitive and cruel. Many are irresponsible and fail to take their role as parent seriously. Some simply abandon and neglect their families. In such cases, it may very well be better for the kids if these dads weren’t around. Such men are not “fathers”. They are unworthy of the title. My heart goes out to their victims. But, there are good dads out there and in many cases, their role can be unnecessarily marginalized. I am only talking about the good dads in this post. Women, please don’t hate me.
Every time Father’s Day approaches, I find myself contemplating the role of a dad in the family- in particular, given my career as a family law attorney, the role of a dad in a post-divorce family. I grow increasingly frustrated with the term “single parent”, which is so often bantered about unnecessarily. We are told of how hard the single parent has to work. Often we are treated to images of single moms struggling to make ends meet with kids at home and a dad nowhere to be found or, at least, not involved. For many of my clients, that is the case. To be sure, there are a lot of dads out there who don’t step up.
Co-parenting is better when possible
In most cases, however, single parenting isn’t necessary. Co-parenting is the better way to go. After the demise of some marriages, one parent does everything possible to eliminate the other parent from the equation. I have heard moms say that they would be happy if their kids’ dad would just go away. Some even say they would prefer their ex-husbands to be dead. Such sentiment is surprisingly common. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
There are dads who check out and neglect their families, refusing to pay child support and refusing to take responsibility as fathers. There are dads who are abusive. It is only natural that a woman may feel uneasy about the man who beat her up. I am not talking about the bad apples here. However, there are many dads who do not deserve the level of scorn they receive.
Divorce can be nasty. When people get to my office, things are usually pretty bad. Folks don’t make the big decision to get a divorce unless they are very unhappy with their spouse. However, all too often, a wife can unnecessarily extend her hatred of her ex to his relationship with the children. These women, not realizing the damage they inflict on their children, will stop at nothing to minimize or even eliminate a dad’s involvement in the family. While they are very happy to maximize the child support they receive, they are relentless in removing dad from the parenting equation. This is not ok. Kids need their dad and although a wife’s experience of her ex-husband as a spouse may be less than perfect to say the least, this man still has an important role with the kids.
I have had a number of cases recently where a mother decides, for whatever reason, to relocate out of the state. These women have reasons for their decision to relocate. Sometimes the reasons are good. Many times they aren’t. Perhaps they are moving closer to family. Perhaps they feel they can get cheaper housing. Universally, they minimize the impact on the kids’ relationship with dad. They, wrongly, believe that they are the only important parent in their children’s lives.
What they fail to understand is that this man, with all of his imperfections, is still their kids’ dad. He is a part of them. They love him. Yes, they even need him. One prominent psychologist told me that the moving parent almost in every case fails to understand how devastating moving the kids away from the other parent can be. In family law, move-away cases are not about what is in the child’s best interest. Rather it is about minimizing detriment. It is rarely in the child’s best interest to move away. As participants in the legal process we are then asked to determine whether it messes the kids up more to lose their dad or to lose their mother. Judge’s hate these kinds of cases.
Dads matter to kids
I have seen grown, tough men weep openly in my office as they explain to me how hurt they are that the mother of their children cares so little for their contribution. One such parent lamented that with his wife moving, he would no longer be able to attend Cub Scout meetings or coach the soccer team. The opportunity to sport his child’s team badge and colors on a polo shirt, that can be customized from places like Imprint, will no longer be possible. The support he could show for his child has gone in a blink of an eye. Another father told me how upset he was that his son would miss out on campouts and fishing trips. Another dad told me how tragic it was that he and his daughter would miss their regular basketball scrimmages at the local park.
I have also seen children in pain that one of their parents is being cut out of their lives. One teenage boy told me that he misses his father terribly and doesn’t understand why his mother speaks negatively about him. He says, “He’s my dad. When she bad mouths him, it is like she is talking bad about me. It makes me cry. I don’t show her though; I just go in my room and punch my pillow.” Another twelve-year-old boy told me that while he loves his mom and understands that she had her reasons for leaving his father, he feels like a piece of him is missing. He said, “My uncles are great. But they are not my dad. Why can’t I just have my dad around.” Then with tears in his eyes he said, “I just wish I could still hang out with him.”
Dads, you need to step up
Not just to pick on the moms, I have had many mother’s complain that they wished that their ex-husbands would be more involved fathers. They try to encourage dad to participate, but he refuses. Sometimes dads just “check out” as parents after the divorce. This is not ok either. Dads, you need to step up.
I am a strong believer that it takes two genders to be most effective in parenting. To be sure, there may be someone out there who will take me to task and wrongly accuse me of sexism. I am just noting, that as much as we would like to say that there are no differences, men and women are, in fact, different. These differences, rather than seen as a way to divide families, should be embraced and celebrated. As a father of five children, my wife and I have had many conversations about how important we believe the gender differences are in our parenting. We each bring different parenting styles and different approaches to the table. These differences enrich our children and bring them balance.
The best co-parenting I see is when both parents are deeply involved
While the parents may have deep and real differences that led to a divorce, they don’t show their children these differences. Rather they present a unified front to the kids. They both encourage a relationship with the other parent. They seek the other parent’s guidance and counsel about issues with the kids. The kids benefit greatly from having both parents as active and equally important parts of their lives.
(Just an aside, it is equally damaging when fathers eliminate mothers from the equation. But we are talking about dads here. We also see more cases where the dads get pushed out then the other way around. But the inverse does happen.)
So what is the lesson?
Moms, unless your ex is truly one of the bad apples I mentioned above, you should probably go out of your way to include him in the parenting of your kids. Remember, he is part of who they are as individuals. That is meaningful. Encourage him to be involved. Encourage your kids to reach out to him.
Dads, it’s time to step up if you haven’t already. You are vital and irreplaceable. You are more than a convenient source for child support. You are far more important than a mere sperm donor. Make SURE that your children know that you love them. Demonstrate your love by word and deed. Be responsible. Be involved. Tell your kids that you love them. Show an interest in their activities. Don’t give up. Don’t just blame your ex if you have a terrible relationship with your kids. Step up and take initiative. Those kids of yours are precious and they need you. You are their father!
To both parents, minimize your conflict.
Spend less time fighting about stuff in court and more time working together in a mutually respectful manner. I encourage the use of mental health professionals, mediation or Collaborative Practice to help folks work together. I know the split up probably hurt. Now, be the grown-ups. Swallow your pride. Find a way, if at all possible, to work together for your kids.
