by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Aug 31, 2018 | Uncategorized
Along the banks of the Ho Truc Bach Lake in downtown Hanoi, Vietnam is a monument sculpted from stone.
It’s an image of a person with arms raised and head lowered. The monument portrays the fateful moment in October 1967 when then U.S. Navy pilot John McCain was captured. The monument text, roughly translated, reads:
“On 26 October 1967 near Truc Bach Lake in the capital, Hanoi, the citizens and military caught Pilot John Sidney McCain. The US Navy Air Force Aviator was flying aircraft A4, which crashed near Yen Phu power station. This was one of ten aircraft shot down that same day.”[1]
The John S. McCain monument at Bruc Back Lake. Photo: Jim Bryant, U.S. Navy
Fast forward to August 27, 2018.
A 62-year-old Vietnamese man, Pham Van Khanh, brought flowers to the McCain monument in Hanoi.[2] He joined countless other Vietnamese who wished to honor their former captive.[3]
Even McCain’s jailer and operator of the prison, former Col. Tran Trong Duyet, said, “When I learnt about his death early this morning, I feel very sad. I would like to send condolences to his family. I think it’s the same feeling for all Vietnamese people as he has greatly contributed to the development of Vietnam-U.S. relations.”[4]
How could a nation that reviled and tortured the late Senator have such love for him after his death? Because of Senator McCain’s work along with former Senator and Vietnam Veteran John Kerry to normalize relations with Vietnam, the Vietnamese government now reveres him as a “symbol of his generation” who helped “heal the wounds of war.”[5] This mutual respect between Senator McCain and his former captors exemplifies the many times McCain rose well-above a conflict to find common ground and to make peace.
John McCain with his Navy Squadron (botrrom right). Photo: Library of Congress
I have never met Senator John McCain, but as a professional peacemaker I relate to his peacemaking words and consider him a peacemaking soulmate.
We all know the story of how McCain was shot down over Vietnam, beginning his terrifying and heroic stay at the infamous Hanoi Hilton prison. Refusing to be released before his brothers-in-arms, the North Vietnamese tortured him mercilessly and placed him in solitary confinement.[6]
His captors didn’t release McCain until after the signing of the Paris Peace Accords on March 14, 1973. Though free, he carried substantial injuries for the rest of his life.
As a Senator, he was known for his work across the political aisle. Sometimes he angered the more strident members of his party for taking the higher ground.
Senator McCain admits to his imperfections, and has apologized for his less than peaceful remarks at times.
For example, he famously used a racial slur to describe his captors, feeling he had a right to describe his former captors with any language he chose. He later reconsidered and apologized, and removed the word from his vocabulary.[7]
This man is considered a hero today in large part because he made a career of rising above the fray of the negative discourse that pervades American politics today. Perhaps most famously, he defended Barrack Obama against people who accused Obama of being “Arab”, saying “No ma’am. He’s a decent family man and citizen that I just happened to have disagreements with on fundamental issues.”
Senator John McCain meets with President Barack Obama in the Oval Office in 2011. Photo: Pete Souza, White House Photo Office
It’s telling that two of his principle political rivals, Former President’s Obama and Bush, will eulogize him at his memorial service.[8]
John McCain’s thoughts on the need to ‘win’ at all costs
Most recently, when speaking to the Senate with a request for a return to regular order in the Senate in the wake of a difficult debate on healthcare reform in 2017, McCain said the following to support his plea:
“I’ve known and admired men and women in the Senate who played much more than a small role in our history, true statesmen, giants of American politics. They came from both parties, and from various backgrounds. Their ambitions were frequently in conflict. … And they often had very serious disagreements about how best to serve the national interest.
“But they knew that however sharp and heartfelt their disputes, however keen their ambitions, they had an obligation to work collaboratively to ensure the Senate discharged its constitutional responsibilities effectively.
“Both sides have let this happen. Let’s leave the history of who shot first to the historians. I suspect they’ll find we all conspired in our decline – either by deliberate actions or neglect. We’ve all played some role in it. Certainly I have. ….
“Incremental progress, compromises that each side criticize but also accept, just plain muddling through to chip away at problems and keep our enemies from doing their worst isn’t glamorous or exciting. It doesn’t feel like a political triumph. But it’s usually the most we can expect from our system of government, operating in a country as diverse and quarrelsome and free as ours.
“…. It is our responsibility to preserve that, even when it requires us to do something less satisfying than ‘winning.’ Even when we must give a little to get a little. Even when our efforts manage just three yards and a cloud of dust, while critics on both sides denounce us for timidity, for our failure to ‘triumph.’
“I hope we can again rely on humility, on our need to cooperate, on our dependence on each other to learn how to trust each other again and by so doing better serve the people who elected us.”
John McCain was a peacemaker
Senator John McCain walks with Vice President Mike Pence on the 75th anniversary of the Pearl Harbor attack in Honolulu, Hawaii. Photo: US Army. Jose A. Torres, Jr.
I read the words spoken by Senator McCain last year and listened to them again. I have a soulmate in Senator McCain. We have never met, but as a professional peacemaker I relate to his peacemaking words.
I have often thought the woes of Washington, D.C. could be greatly reduced if some mediators could head to Capitol Hill. We professional peacemakers understand that peace and agreement requires people who disagree to disagree agreeably. “Compromise” is not a dirty word. Rather, a compromise allows for differing people to find a common ground. The all-or-nothing subjective myths of “justice” or “fairness” give way to the higher principles of collaboration, mutual respect and peace.
As a divorce mediator, I am involved in helping people find pathways to settlement in the toughest of times.
There are very few experiences as heart-wrenching and personally painful as divorce. Consequently, my aim is to help others learn how to work together while experiencing peace. It’s possible.
Senator McCain’s approach to politics parallels my Dolphin Lawyering philosophy and approach to dispute resolution. Unlike some of my shark-like colleagues in the legal profession, I strive for a more humane approach encouraging peaceful outcomes. I therefore live by the creed, “It’s not just a legal process; it’s a human experience.”
Like Senator McCain, I look back on the contentious moments of my past career as a divorce litigator. Similarly, I realize that at times I didn’t always live up to my greatest ideal. But whenever I have embraced peacemaking and mutual respect, I have not only worked as an instrument for others to find peace, but I have experienced my greatest professional joy: helping others.
While many may disagree with political stands by Senator McCain, perhaps we can take his life as a shining example of a peacemaker a person of any political persuasion can follow. I, for one, am certainly grateful for his imperfect, yet sincere example.
Further Reading:
Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace
Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce
Dolphin Lawyering: Why I can be an advocate without being a shark
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Aug 28, 2018 | Uncategorized
Family law attorney and mediator Shawn Weber of Weber Dispute Resolution appeared on the NBC 7 San Diego Morning News on Friday, August 24 to offer advice to divorced parents who have conflicts over ‘back to school’ issues with their children.
Family law attorney and mediator Shawn Weber interviewed by NBC 7 San Diego news on back to school issues for divorced parents.
Weber recommends parents discuss their expectations and come to an agreement on time commitments, spending, and logistics involving school-age children long before the school year starts.
If you need help working through conflicts with your ex-spouse over parenting issues, contact Weber Dispute Resolution today at 858-410-0144.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Aug 15, 2018 | Uncategorized
The KOGO AM 600 Morning News with anchors Ted Garcia and LaDona Harvey featured a live interview with family law attorney Shawn Weber of Weber Dispute Resolution on Wednesday, August 16.
Weber discussed tips from his latest blog post, "Back to School Doesn't Have to Mean Back to Court," which offers advice for divorced parents on solving disagreements over their children and their return to school. Conflicts regarding spending over clothing and supplies, communication from school officials, and participation in various extracurricular school activities are common sources of friction between divorced parents. The failure to solve these problems can send parents back to their attorneys, and even back to court.
If you missed the interview, you can listen to it here.
Avoid an expensive trip back to court – contact Weber Dispute Resolution
Back to school sometimes sends divorced parents back to court. Are you fighting over:
- Responsibility for buying school supplies?
- Who’s driving the kids to school?
- After-school activities?
- Who talks to your kids’ teachers?
- Emergency contact?
- Who gets to sit where at the school play?
Call on Weber Dispute Resolution to help you and your clients get an A-plus on school plans that work for the entire family. Weber Dispute Resolution can help you avoid an expensive, lengthy, and emotionally damaging court fight. Call 858-410-0144 to set up a private settlement conference.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Aug 15, 2018 | Uncategorized
The KOGO AM 600 Morning News with anchors Ted Garcia and LaDona Harvey featured a live interview with family law attorney Shawn Weber of Weber Dispute Resolution on Wednesday, August 16.
Weber discussed tips from his latest blog post, "Back to School Doesn't Have to Mean Back to Court," which offers advice for divorced parents on solving disagreements over their children and their return to school. Conflicts regarding spending over clothing and supplies, communication from school officials, and participation in various extracurricular school activities are common sources of friction between divorced parents. The failure to solve these problems can send parents back to their attorneys, and even back to court.
If you missed the interview, you can listen to it here.
Avoid an expensive trip back to court – contact Weber Dispute Resolution
Back to school sometimes sends divorced parents back to court. Are you fighting over:
- Responsibility for buying school supplies?
- Who’s driving the kids to school?
- After-school activities?
- Who talks to your kids’ teachers?
- Emergency contact?
- Who gets to sit where at the school play?
Call on Weber Dispute Resolution to help you and your clients get an A-plus on school plans that work for the entire family. Weber Dispute Resolution can help you avoid an expensive, lengthy, and emotionally damaging court fight. Call 858-410-0144 to set up a private settlement conference.
by Shawn Weber, JD, CLS-F | Jul 11, 2018 | Uncategorized
For most couples getting divorced, their children are their single highest priority. Child support and child custody are their immediate concerns. When you go through the court system in California and in other states, the judge applies a formula to determine the amount of child support. Courts consider income as well as the tax effects of the parties’ various income. They then apply the state mandatory child support guidelines. If this decision goes in front of a judge, he or she has to follow the guidelines to the letter. If you do it on your own, there is flexibility to reach a more creative and equitable solution for your unique situation.
What couples don’t often consider are expenses which seem to be a long way off such as the costs of a college education. This can be one of the single most expensive mistakes couples make if it gets overlooked.
College expenses can be something the parties agree on, but the California Family Code does not require this. The Family Code is only concerned about what happens to your minor children until they reach age 18, or are no longer high school students. This is when child support ends.
Courts will not order parents to pay for college unless the parties agree. Most of my clients don’t choose to include orders in their marital settlement agreements relating to payments for college. You can imagine the problems if something goes wrong. What if the time comes, and you can’t afford to pay for college due to unemployment or disability – but you have a court order that says you must pay? If this occurs, your own child might have a legal cause against you. That’s not exactly healthy for family relationships.
Most of my clients opt out of having a college expenses provision included in their divorce decree. Sometimes, the parties agree to contribute to a 529 college savings fund, which has certain tax advantages.
Have a conversation about college funding as part of your divorce
Whatever you decide, it’s important to have a conversation about college funding. Sometimes, this might mean you agree to meet at a future time, closer to your child’s decision about college. The choice of college can be crucial. What if one parent is paying for college, and the other is encouraging the child to go to a private, out-of-state college that’s not necessarily affordable? If you’re lucky your child might be able to get a scholarship, which they found through something like Common Scholarship App (https://www.commonscholarshipapp.org/international-student-scholarship-guide/), to help with the funding however sometimes they are not so fortunate.
Simply because the family court isn’t going to order a couple to do something in the future doesn’t mean the expense isn’t going to come up. Discussing everyone’s individual expectations is crucial. Parents and their children may have different values about the college choice and the college expenses.
We recently worked with divorcing parents who had completely opposite opinions about college financing. One parent said, “I had to work and scrimp and save and take out loans, and I appreciated my college education more for it.” The other parent said, “No, this is our responsibility as parents to take care of our child’s college education.” This is an important conversation they needed to work through.
It’s often helpful to bring in a mental health professional to work with the parents when they have different values about what’s going to happen with college expenses. That’s exactly what we did, and in the end, the parents were able to reach an agreement.
Get expert advice on college expenses from a financial professional
For practical reasons, couples may also want to confer with a financial professional about their financing options. Does it make sense to set up a 529 account? Are loans or grants practical? What can they truly afford? What is the best vehicle to save for college?
Alternative dispute resolution options such as mediation or Collaborative Practice are ideal when divorcing parents need to work through complex financial decisions which may affect their family in the future, even years into the future. As any parent of a college student will tell you, those years pass by much more quickly than you realize. It’s best to talk now and come up with a plan.
Call on Weber Dispute Resolution for help in starting your family’s conversation about making college possible and practical for your children even after divorce.
