Email is a powerful communication tool—it’s instant, convenient, and creates a clear record. Its power lies in its ability to facilitate communication and provide a clear record of interactions. However, these strengths can quickly turn into weaknesses if not used carefully, especially in the high-stakes world of divorce and family law. Many attorneys have horror stories of clients’ poorly thought-out emails being used against them in court. It’s tough watching someone squirm as their own words backfire. While technology has made communication more accessible, it also has its traps. Here are my essential email rules for divorce and family law cases to help you avoid these pitfalls and navigate the potential risks:
Assume a Judge Will Read It
Always assume that anything you write could end up before a judge. Avoid sarcasm, humor, or angry expressions. The reader can’t see your facial expressions or hear your tone, so a joke or a sarcastic comment can easily be misinterpreted.
Keep It Informational, Not Emotional
Don’t let email become a battleground for arguments. Use it to share information, not to vent. Emotions don’t translate well in emails, so stick to the facts. For instance, say, “Alex missed school today with a fever,” rather than, “Since you didn’t bother to check on Alex, he’s now sick and missing school. Thanks a lot! Way to go, Parent of the Year!” In other words, a smart email rule for divorce is to keep it factual, not personal.
Never Email When Angry
In the past, if you were angry, you could write a letter but never send it—giving you time to cool down before doing something rash. But with email, it’s all too easy to type out an angry rant and hit “send” before you realize the consequences. I’ve seen clients face that sinking feeling of regret when they realize their over-the-top email is now out there with no way to take it back.
The best email rule for divorce? Never email when you’re angry. If you must type out your feelings, do it—but don’t send it. Could you wait 24 hours, then reread it? Nine times out of ten, you’ll be glad you waited. It’s incredible how much clearer and more reasonable you can be when you’ve had time to calm down.
Use BIFF
My friend and colleague, Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq., founder of the High Conflict Institute and author of books like High Conflict People in Legal Disputes and Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder, has a great strategy for responding to hostile emails called BIFF—Brief, Informative, Firm, and Friendly. This strategy is a powerful tool in your arsenal, equipping you to confidently handle hostile emails. Here’s how it works:
- Brief: Keep your response short and focused. Don’t let your email become a lengthy rant that can be weaponized against you.
- Informative: Stick to the facts and avoid personal attacks, sarcasm, name-calling, and emotional outbursts. The goal is to provide clear information, not to engage in a battle of emotions.
- Firm: State your position clearly and concisely without leaving the door open for further unnecessary negotiation unless you’re open to it.
- Friendly: Maintain a calm and neutral tone. Your response will be more likely to defuse conflict if you keep it friendly and composed, even when tempted to fire back. This approach will help you maintain control over the situation and prevent unnecessary escalation.
Beware of Social Media
For example, a seemingly innocent post about a night out could be used to argue that you’re not fit to have custody. This is a stark reminder of the potential impact of social media on legal cases. The takeaway? Assume anything you post online could be enlarged and displayed in court.
In Summary
Remember, every email is a potential exhibit in court, so think twice before you hit send! Not following these email rules for divorce or family law cases could lead to your emails being used against you, potentially damaging your case and prolonging the legal process.