I was very pleased to have the opportunity to appear on Real Divorce Talk, a new show streaming via Facebook Live. We talked about my “Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce.” We also covered topics like emotions, Collaborative Divorce and divorce mediation. Be sure to leave a comment and let me know what you think.
Archive for Collaborative Divorce
The F-word
Those of you who know me are aware that my wife and I have five kids. When I tell people how many kids I have, there is usually an audible gasp and sometimes an expletive. (I don’t know why because I love my kids.) But as any parent will know, kids have a lot to learn about this world. One very important lesson to learn in the Weber house is that a lament that something isn’t “fair” gets you nowhere. We make it clear to the kids that “life isn’t fair and the sooner you learn that, the better off you’ll be.” That’s why “fair” is the F-word.
When people come through my door, I see the tumult in their lives. Clients will often make demands for what they view as the “fair” outcome. However, “fair” is a subjective concept and quite impossible to define objectively during family law or divorce negotiations. In their search for peace, clients sometimes bog themselves down in a vain attempt to achieve an unachievable result.
Really, there is no such things as a”fair divorce” in family law.
There’s a reason for that. The idea of “fair” is rooted in one’s perspective and perception. We view “fair” through our own prism of reality. In family law or divorce negotiations, what one party might view as fair is often different from what another person views as fair. If fair were easy to define, I would be out of a job because people would just be able agree with little to no effort. But fair is not an objective standard. Fair is always subjectively defined. A truly fair divorce is very rare.
The Myth of Lady Justice
Concepts of “justice” are equally subjective. The statue we see at the courthouse of Lady Justice with the blindfold and the scales is a myth. Anyone who has spent any time around a courthouse knows that achieving true justice is rare. Rather, the courts simply apply the imperfect laws written by imperfect legislatures and interpreted by imperfect courts. Very often, folks perceive the application of those laws as unfair or unjust.
Make a Good Business Decision
Rather than asking, “what is fair,” it makes more sense to ask, “What is a good business decision?” or “What will maximize my outcome given the hand that I have been dealt.” These questions remove the emotional and loaded questions regarding justice and fairness. They allow the participant to focus on reaching a settlement that he or she can live with. A settlement by definition requires compromise. A compromise by definition means that both parties are giving something up. A fair divorce, in that situation, isn’t the point. Rather, the focus is on making a decision that can end the conflict so that a person can move on, which in turn will bring peace.
Many of the rapids on our journey through life a borne in a sense of dissatisfaction with the choices before us. Divorce has a way of limiting many of our choices.
I’ve never seen a client find peace in life by focusing on what is fair or unfair. Peace comes from finding a resolution and reaching an acceptance of what is. It’s an opportunity to transition from a conflictual sense of being to one that is harmonious and whole.
See Also:
Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/five-tips-to-have-a-miserable-divorce/
Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/forgiveness-during-divorce/
How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation? https://weberdisputeresolution.com/divorce-mediation-cost/
Shawn Weber, CLS-F: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/meet-our-team/shawn-weber/
My friend and colleague, San Diego Divorce Attorney Fran Setzer, wrote a great post about using a neutral Child Specialist to help with divorce proceedings.
A neutral Child Specialist, who is a mental health professional experienced with children and divorce, can be an excellent resource for parents and really puts the needs of the children front and center. I am a big fan of bringing the right specialized resource to the right situation. A Child Specialist is the perfect tool when considering the needs of kids in a divorce.
Read Fran’s post at the Collaborative Family Law Group of San Diego Blog here: http://collaborativefamilylawsandiegoblog.com/do-you-need-a-child-specialist-for-your-divorce/
Do you want to give your kids a voice?
Issues involving kids and divorce can be tricky. One of the great things about using consensual dispute resolution options like Mediation and Collaborative Practice in your California divorce is that you can give your kids more of a say in how the parenting plan will turn out. This is not to say that you leave the decisions to the kids. It does, however, mean you can hear their voices, which can mean a lot to them, especially if they are old enough to thoughtfully express their preferences.
Not all kids should be given the same level of input. How much you let your kids sway your decision making is up to you. You will want to consider such factors as the child’s maturity level, age, ability to articulate and emotional needs. But if you decide that giving the kids a voice is what you want to do in your family, here are some tips.
Let Your Divorce Mediator Talk to the Kids.
With kids and divorce, it is important to give children a voice. As a mediator, sometimes I will talk to the kids. I only do it if both parents agree that it will be appropriate. Importantly, I never ask the kids, “Where do you want to live.” But, I will give them the chance in a non-threatening environment to say what is important to them. Writing their responses on a whiteboard and then, with their permission, I boil their thoughts down into a report to share with the parents.
It’s amazing what useful clues I can learn from the kids. In one case, the teenage kids told me that they worry their father will die from his alcohol abuse. In another situation, an over-scheduled child shared that he felt it was hard to relax because of his very busy schedule. He said that he had a hard time “just being a kid.”
Another child volunteered that his complex and confusing parenting schedule made it difficult to adjust to the move from one house to another. As a result, he felt his grades suffering. He expressed that because he was bouncing back and forth so often, he didn’t ever have time to feel at home in either household.
Before I talk to a child, I will get a release to speak to the child’s therapist if available. This gives me the insight to ensure that I spend time with the child appropriately given the child’s emotional circumstances.
Have a Joint Session with Parents and Therapist.
Another option for kids and divorce is to allow the child to articulate her feelings in a joint session with a therapist and parents. The therapist can help everyone find ways to work together for the good of the child. You can also trust that a mental health professional will take care to prevent the talk from becoming inappropriate. It can be a safe way to promote healthy dialogue and to appropriately empower your child.
With Kids and Divorce, Use a Collaborative Child Specialist.
In Collaborative Practice, we use neutral child specialists to make sure that the parenting plan will protect the child’s needs. The child specialist is a mental health professional experienced in helping kids through a divorce. In essence, the child specialist becomes an advocate for the child’s needs.
In the Collaborative Practice model, the work is confidential. As a result, it cannot be used later in court. Everyone can trust that they can be open and frank while working towards solutions. Children in divorce often tell parents what the parents want to hear and not necessarily how the children really feel. But kids will open up to a child specialist, giving her the ability to articulate the children’s unvarnished needs and worries. I have often used neutral child specialists even outside of Collaborative Practice. In my humble opinion, it never hurts to give kids an advocate. Using a trained child specialist is often the perfect solution.
Summary
There are many ways to give your kids a voice. These are just three. While it is generally not a good plan to let the kids feel like they are in charge, it never hurts to give them an opportunity to be heard. You may be surprised what your kids can teach you as you go through your divorce. Often the kids are ahead of the parents in dealing with the heartache and emotions of the split. Considering the kids’ needs and really, truly listening to their point of view can provide tremendous insight and great rewards. Most importantly, your kids will appreciate that you took the time to pay attention.
Read also:
Doing your Divorce with a Child Specialist: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/do-you-need-a-child-specialist-for-your-divorce/
Why “Fair” is the F-Word in Divorce Negotiations: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/why-fair-is-the-f-word-in-divorce-negotiations/
Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/five-tips-to-have-a-miserable-divorce/
How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation?: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/divorce-mediation-cost/
Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/forgiveness-during-divorce/
I will often receive a call from a potential client interested in a San Diego divorce mediation, but who is a little apprehensive because their spouse has had a history of coercion, manipulation and bullying. The question then arises as to whether mediation is really the appropriate venue to resolve the case. Many of my peers may disagree with me, but a good mediator can successfully resolve almost any case. Here are some points to consider for a successful divorce mediation when your spouse is a bully:
Check to make sure you have a well-trained mediator.
Mediating a case where there is a history of coercion or manipulation is advanced work and not for the faint of heart. You need to make sure that your mediator has the skill, background and personality to ensure a level playing field. It may be a good idea to bring up your concerns in a caucus session so that the mediator is aware.
Make sure you consult with an attorney.
Mediation is actually without risk because the mediator makes no decisions in your case. She can only help facilitate the discussion. Nothing becomes binding until you sign the marital settlement agreement. You would be wise, however, to work with advising counsel throughout the mediation process. Come to mediation sessions armed with knowledge of your rights and what the law may or may not provide. Under no circumstances should you ever feel pressure to sign any documents without first having had the opportunity to review it with your attorney. If you continue to feel uncomfortable, you may want your attorney to attend mediation with you.
Consider hiring a divorce coach or a therapist.
You need to bring your best self to the mediation sessions. To avoid falling into the same old patterns where you may have been manipulated or coerced in the past, it is wise to meet with a mental health professional knowledgable in divorce issues to prepare you for the sessions so that you can avoid getting your buttons pushed. You can find divorce coaches by looking up your local Collaborative Practice group. In San Diego, you can go here: http://www.collaborativefamilylawsandiego.com.
Demand Full Financial Disclosure.
In successful mediation, disclosure is essential. Make no decisions without having had the opportunity to thoroughly review all material financial information. A financial disclosure should also include back-up statements and documents. Like in the cold war, it’s “Trust but Verify.” You may consider having a financial professional such as a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA) review the disclosures to uncover any “red flags” deserving additional investigation.
Stand Your Ground.
Bullies often bluster and threaten. More often than not, the threats are empty. If you prepare yourself, you need not be intimidated. Often times, abusive relationship involve a sort of abuse dance. You don’t have to dance anymore. You are getting divorced. You are intelligent. You are certainly not stupid. Stand on your own two feet and rely on your support system to be strong.
If there is physical intimate partner violence, think twice.
It is one thing to be a bit of a blowhard and a verbal bully. It’s entirely different when the situation involved physical violence. Do not trifle with domestic violence. If that is happening, mediation is very difficult. However, even in such situations, mediation can be appropriate with safeguards in place. For instance, you can be in separate rooms at all times or you can demand anger management counseling. In any case, make sure you have trained professionals who know what they are doing. If for one moment, you do not feel safe, you can withdraw. However, as a general rule, physical intimate partner violence presents a huge red flag.
San Diego Divorce Mediation, San Diego Divorce Mediator, San Diego Divorce Mediation, Solana Beach, Shawn Weber, San Diego Divorce Attorney
Divorce and legal separation can be an extraordinarily difficult time in a person’s life. Clearly, divorce is not just a legal process; it’s a human experience. Although there are legal and financial questions to address, the transitioning of the family is not without a good deal of divorce stress. Here are some ideas to help manage the divorce stress that a lot of attorneys will never share with you:
Consider a No-court Option
If you ever want to get depressed, spend a day at the family court observing the poor folks being shuffled through adversarial litigation. At court, the lawyers make a lot of money and the parties cede the control of their futures to attorneys and strangers in black robes. While some cases require court, most do not. There are many consensual dispute resolution options available such as mediation or Collaborative Practice that can keep you and your family out of court. Ask your attorney if she offers no-court divorce options. If she doesn’t, then look elsewhere.
Consider Hiring a Divorce Coach
Resist the temptation to use your attorney as a therapist. In Collaborative Practice, mental health professionals assist as members of a team hand-in-glove with attorneys and financial professionals. While not doing therapy, coaches help the parties in a divorce situation deal with the emotions and the divorce stress. EVERYONE can benefit from time with a divorce coach. Even clients, who think they are handling the divorce stress without a coach, are often surprised with how much a mental health professional makes things go more smoothly. If nothing else, learning how to interact with you now estranged spouse and your kids during this difficult time is of huge benefit and can significantly reduce your stress. While divorce coaches are most typically used in Collaborative Practice, I have had a great deal of success incorporating coaches in mediation or even adversarial litigation.
Consider Hiring a Divorce Financial Specialist
Finances can be one of the biggest causes of divorce stress. Resist the temptation to use your attorney as a financial planner. I can tell you, most attorneys went to law school so they wouldn’t have to do math. As such, this is not the person to ask for financial advice. Hiring a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst is a great way to get good financial advice and to find clarity regarding money—even if you were not the spouse who handled the money. There is no reason to suffer in financial ignorance. Financial knowledge is empowering!
Take care of your body
Most people when they are stressed out first neglect taking care of themselves. When folks get scared or depressed, the temptation is to forget your health. Don’t do that! Besides, exercise is a great way to blow off steam. Join a kick boxing class. Lift weights. Put a punching bag in your bedroom. Also, make sure you are eating well. Eating too little or too much can exacerbate your divorce stress. You need good fuel for your body, mind and spirit.Get into the Spirit of Things. Prayer and mediation can be great ways to center yourself to deal with stress. No matter what your religious background, taking time to be mindful through meditation or prayer can significantly strengthen you. Talk to clergy or a spiritual advisor to find the best way for you to fuel your soul.
Forgive your Ex. This is a tough one for many people. But hate can do more to damage the hater than anyone else. So, look for ways to let go of your anger and forgive. Maybe the marriage is over, but holding on to hurt and resentment does little to help you move on. Look forward. Don’t look back! You will find that your load is much lighter.
Try these steps to reduce divorce stress
These are only a few ideas to reduce your stress during a divorce or legal separation. But if you take even just these tips to heart and implement them in your life, you will find that you will be strong as you go through this difficult time in transition your family. Don’t fret. There is a light to the end of the tunnel!
Other articles related to divorce stress:
Stress, Divorce and Down Dog by San Diego Attorney Win Heiskala
CNBC: Collaborative divorce can ease emotional, economic stress by Deborah Nason
Forgiveness During Divorce: A key to finding peace
Will I be able to keep the house?
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