Archive for divorce humor

Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce

miserable divorce

Looking for a miserable divorce?  Here’s how!

Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience.  But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce.  Here are some tips:

1.  Hire the cheapest attorney.

You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce.  So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book.

2.  Find a shark to represent you.

Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find.  Make sure she is very expensive.  Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face.  This is a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful.  A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all.  The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours.  What little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to.  When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest.  Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.

3. Whatever you do, don’t get a therapist.

You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now.  You want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety.  A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional.  Try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.

4. Use your children as pawns.

One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process.  Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself.  So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex.  Make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict.  Use them as messengers for adult business.  Tell them about how horrible your ex is.  Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can.  Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids.  That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions.  Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.

5. Demand justice.

There is no such thing as justice in Family Court.  That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it!  It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed.  Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness.  Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.

These are my top five.  Do you have any others?  Comment below and share with me your tips for a miserable divorce.

See Also:

Forgiveness During Divorce: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/forgiveness-during-divorce/

How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation? https://weberdisputeresolution.com/divorce-mediation-cost/

Robin Williams and the Two Headed Monster Demonstrate Conflict

As I am a mediator and a collaborative divorce practitioner, my job is all about managing conflict. A key component to managing conflict is recognizing it when you see it. To that end, I thought this video would make a great tribute to the late Robin Williams while educating my readers. Enjoy!

Funny Divorce Quotes

My mother always said, “You might as well laugh as cry.”

I came accross this article written for Psychology Today by Leon F. Seltzer, Ph.D. entitled “The Wittiest Quotes on Divorce. ”  While divorce can be an unbearable experience, it is good to be able to laugh.  Here’s the link:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/evolution-the-self/201211/the-wittiest-quotes-divorce

Enjoy!  And please…. laugh a little!

Thanksgiving Divorce (A Joke)

I found this joke on the internet here: http://zimmer.csufresno.edu/~sasanr/Funny-Stuff/thanksgiving.htm

I am not sure who authored the joke because it’s all over Google.  But, I thought I would share it to possibly give you a much needed laugh for Thanksgiving.  Enjoy!

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says,”I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay, honey ” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

Happy Thanksgiving

The Divorce So Bad it Made the Family Judge Flip Out

Getty

I came across this article from Time Magazine by  BELINDA LUSCOMBE about a family judge in Canada that basically flipped out on a couple because their behavior during the divorce was so bad.  The Judge apparently wrote his opinion having taken a very dim view of both parties.  I particularly enjoyed his dark and sarcastic tone in his very unusual order.  However, the opinion underscores in a humorous way a significant problem facing many family court judges.  I have often heard the saying that in Criminal Court, we have bad people on their best behavior.  But in Family Court we have good people on their worst behavior.  I wonder how many family judges have considered making an order like this one.

Here’s the link to the article.   http://healthland.time.com/2011/01/05/the-family-judge-who-flipped-out/

Funny Divorce Court Moment

I have to admit, as a divorce professional, I need a good laugh now and then. This video was terrific. I love this woman’s method that she discovered to control her anger. It’s too much!