Let me preface this post by noting that there are a lot of terrible fathers in divorce. Many of them are abusive, punitive, and cruel. Many are irresponsible and fail to take their role as parents seriously. Some abandon and neglect their families. In such cases, it may very well be better for the kids if these dads weren’t around. Such men are not “fathers”. They are unworthy of the title. My heart goes out to their victims. But there are good dads out there, and their roles can be unnecessarily marginalized in many cases. I am only talking about the good dads in this post. Women, please don’t hate me.
The Essential Role of Fathers in Divorce
I find myself contemplating the role of a dad in the family- in particular, given my career as a family law attorney, the role of a dad in a post-divorce family. I grow increasingly frustrated with the term “single parent,” which is often bantered about unnecessarily. We are told of how hard the single parent has to work. Frequently, we are treated to images of single moms struggling to make ends meet with kids at home and a dad nowhere to be found or, at least not involved. For many of my clients, that is the case. To be sure, there are a lot of dads out there who don’t step up.
In most cases, however, single parenting isn’t necessary. Co-parenting is the better way to go. After the demise of their marriage, one parent does everything possible to eliminate the other parent from the equation. I have heard moms say they would be happy if their kids’ dad would simply go away. Some even say they would prefer their ex-husbands to be dead. Such sentiment is surprisingly common. “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.”
To be sure, some fathers in divorce deserve the ire of their ex-wives. Some dads check out and neglect their families, refusing to pay child support and refusing to take responsibility as fathers. There are dads who are abusive. It is only natural that a woman may feel uneasy about the man who beat her up. I am not talking about the bad apples here. However, many dads do not deserve the level of scorn they receive.
Why It’s Important to Include the Kids’ Dad, Even When It’s Hard
Divorce can be nasty.
When people get to my office, things are usually bad. Folks don’t make the big decision to get a divorce unless they are very unhappy with their spouse. However, all too often, a wife can unnecessarily extend her hatred of her ex to his relationship with the children. These women, not realizing the damage they inflict on their children, will stop at nothing to minimize or even eliminate a dad’s involvement in the family. While they are pleased to maximize the child support they receive, they are relentless in removing dad from the parenting equation. This is not ok. Kids need their dad, and although a wife’s experience of her ex-husband as a spouse may be less than perfect, to say the least, this man still has a vital role with the kids. In short, fathers in divorce matter.
I have had many cases where a mother decides, for whatever reason, to relocate out of the state. These women have reasons for their decision to relocate. Sometimes, the reasons are good. Many times, they aren’t. Perhaps they are moving closer to family. They may feel they can get cheaper housing. Universally, they minimize the impact on the kids’ relationship with their dad. They wrongly believe they are the only critical parent in their children’s lives. They fail to understand that this man, with all his imperfections, is still the kids’ dad. He is a part of them. They love him. Yes, they even need him.
One prominent psychologist told me that the moving parent, almost in every case, fails to understand how devastating moving the kids away from the other parent can be. In family law, move-away cases are not about what is in the child’s best interest. Rather, it is about minimizing detriment. It is rarely in the child’s best interest to move away. As participants in the legal process, we are then asked to determine whether it messes the kids up more by causing them to lose their dad or their mother. Judges hate these kinds of cases.
Dads have emotions too.
I have seen grown, tough men weep openly in my office as they explain to me how hurt they are that the mother of their children cares so little for their contribution. One such parent lamented that with his wife moving, he would no longer be able to attend Cub Scout meetings or coach the soccer team. One father told me how upset he was that his son would miss out on campouts and fishing trips. Another dad told me how tragic it was that he and his daughter would miss their regular basketball scrimmages at the local park.
Children need both parents.
I have also seen children in pain that one of their parents is being cut out of their lives. One teenage boy told me he misses his father terribly and doesn’t understand why his mother speaks negatively about him. He says, “He’s my dad. When she bad-mouths him, it’s like she’s talking bad about me. It makes me cry. I don’t show her, though; I just go in my room and punch my pillow.”
Another twelve-year-old boy told me that while he loves his mom and understands that she had her reasons for leaving his father, he feels like a piece of him is missing. He said, “My uncles are great. But they are not my dad. Why can’t I just have my dad around.” Then, with tears in his eyes, he said, “I just wish I could still hang out with him.”
Not just to pick on the moms, I have had many mothers complain that they wished that their ex-husbands would be more involved. They try to encourage dads in divorce to participate, but he refuses. Sometimes, dads “check out” as parents after the divorce. This is not ok either. Dads, you need to step up.
Two Parents Make Better Parenting
I firmly believe it takes two parents to be most effective in parenting. I am sure that there may be someone out there who will take me to task and wrongly accuse me of sexism. As much as we would like to say there are no differences, men and women are, in fact, different. Rather than being seen as a way to divide families, these differences should be embraced and celebrated.
As a father of five children, my wife and I have had many conversations about how important we believe gender differences are in our parenting. We each bring different parenting styles and different approaches to the table. These differences enrich our children and bring them balance.
The best co-parenting I see deeply involves both parents. While the parents may have profound and real differences that led to a divorce, they don’t show their children these differences. Instead, they present a unified front to the kids. They both encourage a relationship with the other parent. They seek the other parent’s guidance and counsel about issues with the kids. The kids benefit greatly from having both parents as active and equally essential parts of their lives.
(Just an aside, it is equally damaging when fathers in divorce eliminate mothers from the equation. We also see more cases where the dads get pushed out than the other way around. But the inverse does happen.)
What’s the Take Away for Fathers in Divorce?
So, what is the lesson to be learned here? Moms, unless your ex is truly one of the bad apples I mentioned above, you should go out of your way to include him in parenting your kids. Remember, he is part of who they are as individuals. That is meaningful. Encourage him to be involved. Encourage your kids to reach out to him.
Dads, it’s time to step up if you haven’t already. You are vital and irreplaceable. Fathers are more than a convenient source of child support. You are far more important than a mere sperm donor. Make SURE that your children know you love them. Demonstrate your love by word and deed. Be responsible. Be involved. Tell your kids that you love them. Show an interest in their activities. Don’t give up. Don’t just blame your ex if you have a terrible relationship with your kids. Step up and take the initiative. Those kids of yours are precious, and they need you.
To both parents, minimize your conflict. Spend less time fighting about stuff in court and more time working together in a mutually respectful manner. I encourage using mental health professionals, mediation, or Collaborative Practice to help folks work together. The split-up probably hurt. Now, be the grown-ups. Swallow your pride. Find a way to work together for your kids.
Note: In discussing the vital role of parents in their children’s lives, it’s important to recognize that families come in all shapes and sizes, including same-gender families where there may be two dads or two moms. The value of each parent’s involvement, love, and support is paramount, regardless of gender. Our focus is on promoting healthy co-parenting relationships that prioritize the well-being of children in every type of family structure.