Looking for a miserable divorce? Here’s how!
Under the best of circumstances, a divorce can be an awful experience. Even if you have done all your research and know exactly how divorce works, it is still often a very toxic and harmful process. But there are some things you can do right now to make sure that you have a completely horrible, miserable divorce. Here are some tips:
1. Hire the cheapest attorney.
You get what you pay for and an attorney can be the difference in having a good divorce or a miserable divorce. So by all means, hire the cheapest attorney in the phone book if you want a miserable divorce. But if you’re looking for a good divorce, it might be worth finding a more experienced and reputable lawyer in your local area.
For California divorces, we recommend finding a specialist in family law who is certified by the California State Bar Board of Legal Speclialization. Such attorneys have had to meet certain experience requirements and have passed an extra bar examination for family law specialization. You will often see the person referred to as a Certified Family Law Specialist or with a designation such as “CFLS” or “CLS-F”.
2. Find a shark to represent you.
Make sure that you find the toughest and meanest attorney you can find. Make sure she is very expensive. Look for the largest ad in the phone book and find the picture of the attorney with the angriest face. This is indeed a sure way to increase the conflict in your divorce and make things completely awful.
A shark attorney will do a good job of running up the clock and the billable hours, but generally won’t care about you at all. The shark will unnecessarily increase the conflict so that he can increase his billable hours. In fact, what little relationship you have left with your soon to be ex will be out the window and you will have years of anger and hatred to look forward to. When the case is over, you will probably have to declare bankruptcy because the definition of victory for a shark is that you have $2, your spouse gets $1 and the lawyers get the rest. Best of all, you will spend your kids’ college funds and probably put your lawyer’s kids through school instead.
At Weber Dispute Resolution, our philosophy is to be a dolphin instead of a shark.
3. Whatever you do, don’t get a therapist.
You don’t want a therapist to help you with the emotional turmoil you are experiencing now. Moreover, you want to be plagued by depression, anger, guilt, and anxiety.
A therapist can help with all of those things, so to truly have a miserable divorce, you want to avoid any mental health professional. By all means, try to deal with it yourself and let your emotions blossom into a full blown temporary psychosis.
Without being sarcastic here, it’s smart to seek counseling from a qualified mental health professional if you believe you are not ready to hear what the other person is saying or the problem is something other than what you see. In truth, it can be helpful getting a third person’s point of view so that you can understand how it might appear to others. It may also provide you with a fresh perspective on things.
4. Use your children as pawns.
One important key to having a miserable divorce is to destroy your kids in the process. Studies have shown that the conflict of divorce does more to harm kids than the divorce itself. So go out of your way to increase the conflict between you and your ex.
Without a doubt, make sure that the kids are in the middle of the conflict. Use them as messengers for adult business. Tell them about how horrible your ex is. Make sure that you fight for every minute with your kids that you can. Be sure to have a lot of shouting and swearing when you exchange the kids. That’s a sure way to make sure that your children grow up to have depression, relationship problems, obsessive-compulsive disorder, eating disorders and drug addictions. Best of all, your children will grow to resent you, which would truly make for a miserable divorce.
5. Demand justice.
There is no such thing as justice in Family Court. That’s why to have a miserable divorce you should demand it! It’s a sure way to spend a lot of time, money and energy only to be disappointed. Don’t compromise unless it meets your perfect definition of justice and fairness. Because your spouse probably has a different opinion of what “fair” means, this technique is particularly effective at disappointing you.
Shawn Weber’s appearance on the Bryan Devore Connection
Shawn was recently a guest on the Bryan Divorce Connection, where he shared his Five Tips to Have a Miserable Divorce with Bryan’s viewers. Check it out and let us know what you think.
To learn more about Bryan Devore and the Bryan Devorce Connection, click here.
Forgiveness During Divorce: https://weberdisputeresolution.com/forgiveness-during-divorce/
How much does it cost to go to divorce mediation? https://weberdisputeresolution.com/divorce-mediation-cost/
6. Don’t establish a goal with your lawyer’s advice (an ideal and realistic end game). If you do establish a goal , e.g. a prompt dissolution leaving kids and relationships going forward a shot at happiness and positive ongoing future. Who wants that outcome?
7. Fight over every personal property item and once you jointly decide to sell the home, throw roadblocks in the way and maximize the likelihood of getting less from its sale.
Good article Shawn!!!
Taunt your spouse with a new girl/boyfriend by bringing him/her to court and publicly spending money on her/her.
No 5 needs a spell check/edit
“Don’t compromise unless it -meats- your perfect definition…”
Shouldn’t that be ‘meet’ ?
Thanks! I found some other dumb mistakes. That’s what I get for writing on my iPhone instead of sitting with my desktop. 😉 Hopefully we are typo free now.
8. Fight over principle. After all, it doesn’t matter if you go home with much less money because the principle is the most important thing. And it doesn’t matter how much the kids are involved because the principle is the most important thing. Don’t worry about what the principle is, or even to define it. Just be sure you use it to fight everything, even the things that don’t harm you in the least.
9. Be sure to let your ex-to-be know that you’re dating during the divorce. Make sure the kids know, too. Make sure your new love interest sits with you so you can exchange PDA’s at the kid’s basketball games and school plays. Introduce the kids to the new love interest, too. In fact, move your new love in with you a few weeks after the divorce filing, to make certain your spouse knows how easy he/she can be replaced.
Love it! I often tell my clients that principles are nice– but they’re very expensive.
10. Demonize your spouse. After all, the person you married no longer has any positive attributes. Not a good parent, nor a good spouse, nor in any way appreciative of your hard work and charming disposition. Never miss a change to disparage your spouse to your children, or your friends, particularly your mutual friends. Post disparaging comments on Facebook and other social media, so your kids will learn what a horrible person your spouse is.
All right to the point.